I started this post because I really would like to know how others handle this. I want to be a better and more loving and caring person, not just in the big picture..on the broad issues.. but to do better for people already in my life. I am not talking about when someone is in a crisis, how to handle a crisis is oftwn more obvious, I am talking about day to day matters and spending time with people. I have not been attentive enough to someof the people in my life. I would like to make a new resolution to be moreso. I would like to resolve this ongoing problem because it's a bad pattern in my life. I used to try to please everyone obsessively--but I never could-- now I don't feel I don't make an effort to please the people in my life enough. Sometimes i feel like I treat strangers better than I do my own friends. I enjoy spontaneous conversations with strangers when I am on a bus or in a coffee shop...we don't expect anything from one another.

For example, my partner and my dad, the guys in my life mainly but a few women also,  would rather not make plans in their leisure time unless they have to...they like to play things by ear. I lean that way too, but not always..but I have learned to take it in stride and not too personally if they don't want to do something when the time comes. However, a specific event, one that involves tickets or travel.. if one is enthusiastic, involves planning to a certain extent..so if noone wants to plan for it with me, I might feel frustrated and just give up on the idea. My mother and many of my girlfriends usually like to plan to a T, this is usually stressful for me, and they may feel hurt if I can't plan because something else is up in the air with someone else important in my life who isn't much of a planner...it's like, "Well, I would do X with you, but I think  I am already doing Y...can I let you know tomorrow?" ..and if activities X and Y  appeal to entirely different people (because I have different interests and know people who have more specific interests), then I can't invite one to the other event at the last minute, etc. if I know it's not something they are interested in.  If I pressure one party to plan things (or they perceive it as pressure) they get upset, if I can't make diffinitive plans with the other party, they get upset if I am not reliable, and if I end up doing nothing  or missing out on too much because none of us made up our minds, I get upset sometimes too...so it can drive me nuts.

Sometimes I would rather just isolate myself from the pressures of pleasing others and do my own thing in my own way,, so I don't have to make commitments, and I don't have to have expectations. I know that's not good, but it does happen at times and I would liek to change it. Or, I default to just doing whatever my partner and I decide to do in the moment...or maybe invite people to our place, and not go out of our way to plan to go out to places with others...there have been times I have even said to heck with pleasing anyone else, and have gone to movies or events by myself when I can't get anyone to agree or reach a consensus on what's happening...which isn't exacltly as loving and community minded as I should be. It's pretty selfish of me to isolate, I realize, and it can be lonely for me too. It doesn't mean I don't feel love for them, it just means I am probably thinking, "well, how big a deal is it if we don't do X or Y tomorrow?There's no crisis.  We will see each other when we see each other." ...but if they were in a crisis, that would be a different matter. Does anyone else have this dilema?...or does everyone in your life have a similar view of things as you do and you all get along great with no conflicts like this?

It's not always about doing things, sometimes one friend will say, "You should be more assertive, don't let people walk all over you"...and another friend will say..."you should be more agreeable"..my partner says I have to lose the guilt complex and stop apologizing so much and be myself...that my friends and family should understand me by now. He certainly doesn't try to please everyone all the time, and his friends don't give him flack about his choices. They accept him as he is and are happy to see him when they see him, even if it's been a long time in between visits...no expectations on either side, yet they will be there in a heartbeat if there's an emergency...however, it's different for me (except with him..he is about the only one is easy going). My mother still reminds me that I need to apologize for and try to make up for everything that inconveniences another, especially her. Forgiveness is a challenge for her, even with small things like forgetting to call at a specific time to tell her exactly what my plans are days from now, so she can know exactly what her plans are days from now. She has no tolerance for waiting for me to decide (often based on waiting for others to decide--at Christmas this always comes up). I get lectured still like I am 15 and I got a low mark on my report card and it's like I have to beg her to forgive me because I didn't apply myself enough. It gets me very distressed.  I'm an adult. It's not right...but she's my mother, and I love her.

For a ccouple years, when I felt my "career" was going along well, I was really being my own person, I was on the track of asserting myself...but  in the workplace culture, competition and self-interest was too much the norm, and I didn't like that either...and now, with the Christian view to loving another as I would want to be loved. how well I do that is all the more important to me than it ever was--I don't like to feel hurt or let down and don't want to hurt or let down anyone else. I have become more acutely aware of it.. I feel like to focus on my own needs is selfish...to feel tempted to tell others to buzz off is even worse...but sometimes I want to do just that.

Does this mean I am unevenly yoked with others...is that what that means...what to do about it?

This might seem trite and immature. I am a full grown adult and this shouldn't be an issue...but it really can become a problem for me at times. Right now, it's an internal conflict, and I feel like my own "house", or me, is divided against itself.

It seems to me that you have to do what feels right to you - and be clear in your communication about it. It may not feel right to focus on your own needs, but it's important and healthy to do that sometimes. It's natural, I think, to be unevenly yoked with others.

Our relationships are not all the same and equal and should not be treated as such. It seems to me that, when it comes to being around our family, many of us tend to revert to childhood in both our eyes and the eyes of our parents.

If someone asks to join them in an activity, I always tell them that I must double-check my calendar before I can say yes. If I have tentative, unconfirmed plans with someone then I will talk with them and ask for a confirmation before getting back to the other person. If they can't or won't confirm for some reason, I will simply tell them that someone else has asked me to do something with them at the same time and that I have decided to do it. I'll then say something like, "but perhaps you and I could watch a movie on another day."

I don'y know if that's helpful or not, but I hope it is.

Thanks Somegal...your advice is helpful, and your reply. I am sort of embarrassed that I posted all of that.

 It's largely a divorced parents thing. Sad but true. It sounds also like you could do with a long trip away wit your guy, and no one lese to please.

A friend of mine said, "That's their job to make us feel guilty!" She's so great, so I'm passing that wisdom on to you too.

About friends, sound like you've got a lot going on. But I think what Somegal said about making plans works. I think there's a way to treat others as you would be treated without doing yourself disservice. You must always act with dignity toward yourself, and that will in turn inspire, even oblige, others to treat you with dignity. And that coming from someone who doesn't have all the answers. I think what your man said about guilt and not appologizing so much is spot on.

I think you're right Elanor, it is a divorced parents thing. After enough times of getting pulled in two directions, sometimes I just shut off and do my own thing...and that behaviour carries over into my other relationships.

Thanks for sharing your experience. My Christmas this year was once again, much like that. I went between the two homes.  My mom is always very curious as to what goes on at my dad's, and she gets jealous if I appear to have a better time over there than at her house. She perceives that I like him better, because our relationship is less conflictual...it's also less available, and I love them equally, so I am still like a hurt child around them-- but she can't seem to understand my feelings about it all. Anyway, she has her issues with him still after all these years, and nothing will likely change that. We even got them together at our place a year or so ago, and they got along fine, but soon enough it was back to the same old same old.  It will take a miracle (them being in the same room was already a miracle...with the help of my peacemaking partner)! Everything has been tried. My step father is a wonderful man, but she still can't get over my dad leaving. She seems to  hang onto that pain like it is part of her identitiy that she can't live without...as if she can't live without that wound, it is so familiar....and I guess, in some ways, I have learned to hang on to old pain too. So, I just get through it. As for the plans with people, things are likely to slow down now that the holidays are over...but Christmas season seems to be about trying to make and keep plans with everyone, and emotions are running high for a lot of people. I have trouble keeping the smallest plans these days myself...which I need to work on..because I don't only let down others, but myself as well. It's a depression thing...but it will pass.

 SOmetimes it's good to leave it all behind and just look forward. Well,  maybe we should do that most of the time.

The best thing is taking joy in tranquility and nature and our creative endeavours, knowing our parents love us. : )

Hi Kimmio,

Expectations are boundary issues.  Typically, where there is conflict around expectations it is due to unclear or unreasonable boundaries.

Every relationship exists with its own dynamic of reasonable and unreasonable expectations.  Because relationships are malleable those expectations wax and wane in their reasonableness.

Once upon a time it was reasonable for my mother to expect me to call her and tell her if I would be late to dinner on a daily basis.  When I left home for school that expectation changed and it would have been unreasonable for my mother to expect the daily call.  The same held true when I was married and started my own family.  If I have been invited by mom to dine with her on a special occasion and I am running late it is reasonable for me to let her know.

When I was single I could go out with my friends as long as I felt like it.  When I was dating my wife I could still go out with my friends as long as I felt like it.  I just didn't feel like doing that at the expense of the relationship with my girlfriend then fiancee then wife.  When I became a father and a husband I still had the freedom to go out with my friends it was understood that my time with my friends would not come as a detriment to my wife and children.

As far as what others need to feel loved.  That isn't my problem.  I don't exist as the means to their emotional end.  You don't either.

That said, it is not unreasonable to expect that relationships we have be loving relationships.  What may be unreasonable is what we demand as proofs of loving.  I know that my mother loves to have me over.  It would be unreasonable of her to expect me to visit her daily (unless of course she was in poor health and her death was imminent) even then expecting me to be present with her and for her 24/7 for an indefinite period of time begins to become unreasonable, particularly if it threatens my well-being and the relationships that I have with my wife and children.

As far as others being disappointed goes.  That isn't really my problem either.  Unless the disappointment is due to may failure to live up to my commitments.  And if I have a habit of over-extending myself so that I cannot live up to my commitments that is my problem and I need to learn how to manage my limitations better.  Either way it is still a boundary issue.  I either have no clue what my limits are or I'm letting somebody else set them for me.

Which means I say "no" to requests from friends and family quite freely.  I say yes as often as I can.  When the request is beyond my ability to execute I have no problem admitting my limitations.

Grace and peace to you.

John

I'd want to say too much here… if you like, see:

http://nosretap-ekim.blogspot.com/2010/12/whats-it-about-love.html

It's about becoming/being love. I don't get "expectations" when it comes to love. I can't remember having any... my folks' approach, I guess. Expectations seem almost contrary to love.

Expectations form from past experiences of the expecting person, past hurts, past losses. I have compassion for this. But yes, you are right Mike. Free free, set them free, if you love someone.

Other people's expectations of us are their responsibility.

When we do not match other people's expectations, then we have not disappointed them. They have disappointed themselves, or their expectations of us.

It sounds like both Elanorgold and Kimmio have rather intrusive parents.

I used to feel a bit bad because my parents were rather distant.  Looking back on it, I can see that there were advantages there.

I am divorced and have two grown children (they were very small when we divorced).  I always tried to encourage their father to see them as much as he could.  Ditto other relatives, such as their paternal grandparenets.

Things were not too bad until my ex re-married and his new wife was very possessive.  She basically made it as hard as possible for him to see my kids.   But there was nothing I could do about it.   She is still like that.  

My ex and his new wife had a new child (now a grown woman).   But because of this, my kids barely know their half-sister and vice versa.  This seems not so good to me.  You need as many supportive family members as you can get.   My ex's wife denied her daughter the chance to get to know her only siblings.

It is an emotional situation EO, having half siblings, new spouse and all that.   It is a tricky situation, but it is sad when the new spouse pushes the old children away, the old wicked stepmother syndrome! But at the same time I can understand it.

Thanks Arminius. I shall try to apply that to my expectations of others too.