Dear Myst-You are not "off".

Jim had good care from his parents-you were free to do other things that needed doing.

You knew it wasn't forever. You had 2 weeks with Jim and rRachael over winter break.

Ask Jim how he felt. If he was fine with it-and you are fine with it-so be it.

Your friend is different than you. She has different expectations for herself and her hubby. Is she wriong? No just different than you.

 I agree with Tabitha - as long as you and Jim are happy with your arrangement, then who cares what others think!

Different strokes for different folks.   You are different.  Your situation, although on the surface it might look similar, is different.  Hers was an emergency for which she was unprepared.  And it will probably be over soon  (I'm not saying it was 'nothing', I've had emergency bowel surgery).   You and Jim had planning time - and you are in it for the long haul.  

Your personality may be something like mine.  When stressed I like to keep busy and occupy my hands and my mind.  I also find that sticking to routines helps.  So I am more apt to go to work, or ahead with my plans, than to sit around doing nothing but worrying.   If your being at the hospital all day would have helped Jim, I am quite sure you would have been there.    I am also more apt to seek out friends (just to be with them and feel their support) than to retreat to solitude.  I am more apt to share what is happening in my life with friends (both real and virtual), than to refuse to talk about them.   On the other hand, I hope I don't dwell on my worries when I am at work or at a meeting.

what I'm trying to say is that we all are different and we handle things in different ways.  From what I know about you and your family from what I've seen you post - not just since Jim's illness, but all along, I would consider you a close and loving family.   I wouldn't worry if your relationship with your husband is somewhat different than your neighbours relationship is with hers.    (I kind-a worry about couples who are completely dependent upon each other all the times.)

Mists, there are so many things that affect what we do and how we react when dealing with medical problems.  You're in it for the long haul.  The way you are handling it is probably much healthier than how your friend was reacting, but she only had 1 major thing to process, you've had a few now.  I would be concerned if someone was panicking over everything for an ongoing condition.  You also have a daughter to take care of, which changes things a little.

Don't worry about what others think.  As long as what you're doing is working for you, Jim and Rachel you're doing it the right way.

MistsofSpring,

A friend was talking to us about something similiar. Another mutual friend was at home while her partner was away with a dying parent. She thought it strange because she was with her partner as he lost a parent and he with her as she lost one. I said then people are different. Some people retreat in grief and some pull close. Some want private time with the parent while another wants family time...  If she was with the other guy it would not work and vice versa... it works for the two involved. They get to decide what works for them. There are also tons of other things to consider, how many can they afford to be off work,etc...

Some folks make a long ditance relationship work when others could not. Some folks need alot of together time and others do not. Some work opposite shifts and others could or would not. ...

You and Jim make the rules for you and Jim. You both have your own boundaries, expectations, level of togetherness, etc...She and her husband make theirs

What works for one does not always work for another. We make and break our own relationships.

I don't think you are "off" MistsOfSpring - I think you did what worked for your family.  I agree with those who posted that it is up to those in the relationship to decide and agree upon what their needs and expectations - in any situation.  And that what is right or comfortable or necessary for some people is not the same for others.

One thing that is important to me personally is that if I, or a loved one of mine, is in the hospital having surgery, that someone is there with them, or waiting for them.  Now in my mind it does not necessarily have to be the spouse or partner - it could be a parent, sibling, friend, etc.  My reasoning for having someone there is that I believe the person who is having/has had the surgery needs an advocate - someone to be there to help them in a variety of ways in which they may need help.  There are probably many who disagree with the idea that someone needs to be there, but in the many cases where I had a loved one (or even myself) in the hospital, especially having surgery, that it was important that someone was there.  I understand that there are times when that is not possible.

I can really relate to this.  Among parents raising profoundly disabled children there seems to be a martyr competition at times.  She (or he) who makes the most sacrifices and gets the most run-down wins. She (or he) who loves their child the most makes the most sacrifices.

We have tried to step off that treadmill (though at times we probably played along) and acknowledge that we all have our own lives to live and celebrate when we can we can do just that.  As a caregiver it is my responsibility to NOT burnout, hard as that might be, and that involves doing things that remove you from the caregiver role and allow you carry on (whatever they might be).  At times it appears selfish but it is not.  Putting yourself in situations where all you do is skyrocket your stress level with no real positive outcome is not a good thing. 

DaisyJane - thank you for adding your wisdom to this thread.  As one who has 'been there/done that' your words carry a lot of weight.  

Thanks DaisyJane - I agree that caregivers need to protect there own health and well being and appreciate that coming from someone who is a caregiver.

My response to the origin post would be that we are all different, and we all cope as well as we can at any given moment. Sometimes others we claim we are coping well, sometimes that we aren't coping well.  Possibly, when tough times hit it is more useful for others to support, listen, assist as able rather than judge the 'performance'.

As someone who doesn't have a partner, I agree with Beloved- having had to go into surgery by myself, I had wished to have had someone around, before and after (no sense to hang around while in surgery)- someone to advocate, to help carry stuff, to listen what the dorctor or physiotherapist says while you are still all messed up in your head from the anesthetic (and to simply drive you home) . That doesn't have to be a spouse, it can be a friend or sibling. I highly appreciate my friends who helped us out in those situations as well as all the others who dropped off casseroles afterwards.

I fully agreee mrs.anteater.   We do need someone.  But that someone can be a parent, sibling, friend, or adult offspring.   I was cronically ill when my children were little.  At one time I took the kids and went to stay with my sister, so she could look after us, while my husband stayed home and worked.

Jump ahead fifteen years:  My daughter was the one to sit beside my bed as I came out of anesthetic from major surgery - while my husband was working.    And I often was with her, while her husband worked or cared for the kids, and she was having cancer treatment.   On one occasion it was my husband and I who made the late night run to the hospital with her in severe pain after chemo - while her husband stayed home (We all thought it would be less upsetting for the children if they woke up if Daddy were the one home with them.)

The someone doesn't have to be the spouse (or in the case of a child, the mother).

A bowel obstruction is life threatening and the surgery can end very badly.  I realize that your husband condition is life threatening as well but I don't imagine that his surgery was as immediately life threatening as your friends husband.  Also the unexpected factor makes a big difference too.  What you did was not unreasonable and your husband encouraged it so as far as I'm concerned it was ok.

Any operation can be life threatening, you can always have something go wrong, but would it make a difference, if you had sat in a waiting room next door or if you had been somewhere else? In both cases, the outcome is out of your hands.

Maybe you have to just answer the question- would it make me feel bad for the rest of my life if something happened and I hadn' t been close, even though I can't do anything about it?

I really wouldn't give anything to what other people think you should or shouldn't do.

One thing I have learned is that when you love someone unconditionally, your relationship changes to accomodate each other, not the expectations of outsiders.

Relationships are like snowflakes. There may be similarities at a distance, but up close, they are all different.

Extremely well said Judd.