ninjafaery, my MIL and I get along quite well.  She drove me a little crazy during wedding planning at times, but not as much as my own mother did!  When it comes to my FIL and I, there really isn't much talking.  It isn't that we don't like each other, but we're very different and don't have much in common.  He also isn't much of a talker.  He does like to tease people, jokingly quite a bit, and I think he is just a little nervous to do that do me.  One time I did it to him and my husband said it was great and now FIL is more comfortable around me.

Relationships take time.  Dinner with inlaws when you don't know them well can be very awkward, especially for people who aren't extroverts.  Luckily, my husband and I were each living with our parents when we started dating.  Getting to know our inlaws started with us just going to the other's place before we were headed out somewhere.  It's easier to get to know the inlaws in small doses like that.

It might be easier to get to know your DIL if you weren't doing something where conversation is a focus.  Dinner is a bit of pressure.  If it's just an issue of getting to know each other and there's nothing that you two particularly disklike about each other, going shopping together, or going to an event where talking is expected like a hockey game, or just going for a walk can making conversation a little easier and less forced.  If your issues are bigger than that, it's hard to offer more advice.

Hi ninja...I think you said the most important bit for yourself, already.  You want your son to be happy.  You don't need to stress or fuss over anything else, imo.  The BAD mil's are the ones that are jealous of son's relationship with his girl and try to one-up her in every department.  That's not you. 

Don't worry if she seems uncomfortable, you know your intentions are kind and supportive and she'll find that too, as things bump along.  You're the elder gal in this scenario, so wait for her to unfurl and come to your kindness naturally. 

It sounds like your desire is to have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law . . . that is a good thing.  It sounds like you wish the best for your son's and her life together . . . you are on your way.

Just . . . love, love, love . . . be respectful, kind, caring, supporting, and encouraging . . . it will take time for a bond to form between you.  My MIL was accepting of me and very loving toward me, despite at times my immaturity and lack of knowledge way back when when we first met and her son and I entered into our relationship and subsequent marriage.  I'm thankful that she accepted, loved, and took me into her family and life despite any mistakes I made along the way.  As the years went by our relationship and our love grew for one another and we became quite close.  I am thankful for her wisdom that gave me the time to make mistakes but enabled her to not hold onto them.  I am thankful for her unconditional love and the time we had together until she passed away a few years ago.

Hi ninjafaery,

Sure.  Family A does things a certain way.  Family A likes to think that certain way is known as the "right" way.  Family B also does things in a certain, though different, way. Family B likes to think that certain though different way is known as the "right" way.

A1 meets B3 and it is love.  In math they would do things a certain way (labelled A+B or maybe AB) and that way would, in time come to be known as the "right" way.

Time, being a commodity, may not be something Family A and Family B want to offer to FAmily AB.  Family A and Family B convinced in the supreme rightness of their ways will pressure A1 and B3 to abandon AB as "wrong" and embrace A or B as "right."  It is certain nobody from Family A is going to champion way B and nobody from Family B is going to champion way A.

This means that A1 is the target of Family B and efforts to assimilate A1 into the B family while B3 is the target of Family A and efforts to assimilate B3 into the A family.  If A1 will not intervene with Family A on behalf of B3 and B3 will not intervene with Family B on behalf of A1 conflict will happen and the maturity of all members from both families will be tested.

My family did not agree with my wife's parenting technique and one day decided to say so.  I arrived home to tears.  When I heard what had happened I made a phone call and stated.  The next time anything like that happened I would disown those involved.  There were protests made about paternal lines so I quoted Genesis 2:  24 and stated I had already left and was willing to go much further away if staying close caused injury to my wife.

And then to make my point I hung up the phone and refused to answer the call back.  My wife eventually answered and brought the phone to me and I made it clear that I was not ready to talk to members of my distant family at that time.

As she had recovered somewhat she passed on the message that I was still angry and that she would talk to me about everything while making no promises.  To her credit she seemed stunned that I had been so hard on my mother and sister.

It was about two weeks before I was available to chat with them on the phone.  In the mean-time they had apologized to my wife and promised that nothing like that would happen again and to their credit, they have made good on that promise.  There have been other hiccups along the way.  My wife and I have been very deliberate in stating that while we still wish to keep our place in our families of origin and find comfortable places for our spouses in those original families.  We have started our own and if others want to belong it is on our terms.  Which are not arduous.

Are you sure it isn't?  I mean if you don't know what the issue is then pushing might make matters worse..

Honesty is the best policy.  You don't know what you have done yet you sense she has put barriers up between the two of you.  How about saying something like, "I get the impression that you aren't pleased with me.  I do not know what I have done that may have hurt you and if I have hurt you in anyway I am deeply sorry.  My son loves you and I look forward to getting to know you better through his eyes."  And then leave it at that.

By no means put her on the spot in front of your son.

Blending holiday traditions can be a huge pain.  I remember our first Christmas Turkey made with my wife's family recipes.  My BIL was quite the ass.  On his third or fourth complaint I very politely offered that he decline any future invitations to dine with us and if that was too much trouble for him I could make a mental note not to invite him back.

When it comes to extended family we don't always get a say in who gets to be a part.  We always have the right to shape our own boundaries.  That becomes difficult when families blend because boundaries need to be radically redrawn to make way for the new family that results while the other two families continue to exist.

Even now while my daugher is dating, he could wind up being the one she chooses.  So there are boundary skirmishes.  I won't say I treat him as one of my own children.  We are acclimatizing him to our environment.  The running joke now is when he crosses a family boundary we wonder how sharp the family axe is.  It took a couple of months for him to realize I don't have an axe now that he knows that fact he understands the code employed and how to respond.

I would think that being a good Mother would automatically force you into being a good Mother-in-law.  I don't think you should have to apologize for who you are.  Unless, of course, you are a rotten mother and then you are probably pooched.

Now, how good a Daughter-in-law she wants to be is a whole other issue and I would have to talk to her about that more than you.

My wife and I have a rule.  I do not raise my voice towards members of her family and she doesn't raise her voice towards mine.  If voices are needing to be raised she yells at hers and I yell at mine.  It is only when we have to yell at our kids that we are both free to pile on and tag-team.

We have a second rule.  I broker the peace between her and her family and she brokers the peace between me and mine.  This tends to happen only after voiced needed to be raised and the upshot is that each of us gets to wear the peacemaker image in the eyes of our in-laws.

What kind of father-in-law will I be?  Stay tuned.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Thanks all, for the thoughtful and kind responses. It's helpful & interesting to hear your stories.
I'm encouraged especially that it's possible to have a close relationship between dil & mil.
Revjohn - your flow chart will require a diagram...I liked that you mentioned that it isn't necessary to apologize for who I am. Getting stressed about being acceptable enough isn't where I want to go.
Really appreciate everyone's responses.

Relationships between blood family are difficult but those involving in-laws can be almost beyond understanding, in my experience.

My MIL and I slowly warmed to each other until, as her life wound down, she chose to live with us rather than take any of her other options. 

I'm finding my DIL easy and comfortable to be around, but neither of us arrange 'alone' time together.  Her childhood home was quite similar to the one we provided for our children, which eases things quite a bit.  She always seems to enjoy the time she spends with us and the young ones that are part of our family, 

Neither of my SIL's seem intersted in speaking to me much..  One is basically ok and does appreciate the time and loving we share with the children, and shares that.  We are basically  friendly but not not close.

The  other one openly expresses that he doesn't like me.  He has, in front of my children and grandchildren,  thrown insults  my way.  At one family gathering that included both sides of the family he yellled at me to 'quit with your stupid family  stories - they are boring and no one is interested'.  It was however fine for me to sit and listen to the family stories he and his parents were telling.   I bit my tongue, ambled away and went outside.     After trying for years I have reached the stage of meeting him at events, saying Hi and then carrying on without trying to have any sort of meaningful conversation.  I can't think of a single positive thing he has said to me in the last ten or so years.   My partner and my other kids find him difficult and pretty much ignore him  too

I'm sorry about the strain that the behaviour of your son in law has been to you & the family. That must be hard to deal with. At least it looks like you have better relationships with the others.
My ex SIL & I weren't on good terms, but it's been decades since then & we didn't stay in touch after my niece was grown (she's very special to me).