Starboy
My Brother Is Moving Out - Is It Okay To Be ... Happy?
Posted on: 03/07/2009 16:39
Hey everyone,
This forum topic is about my brother. He's seventeen, and in gr. 12. Yep, it's his last year of highschool. He's finished the International Baccalaureate program, for those of you who know what that is, and he's been accepted into his first choice of universities. We're all happy for him.
But the rest of my family, everyone I know, as far as I can tell, are sad about him leaving. Oh so sad, our little boy is growing up, he's moving out... Well, of course my parents are excited for him, it's the next big adventure, so I guess everyone's a little happy, too.
But not happy like me.
Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. We get along, we're best friends. Most of the time. See, ever since last year, when I started being around him a lot more, in gr. 9, I've started liking him less. That doesn't mean I don't like him - I do. I really do, and I can't stress that enough. But, well -
Maybe it would help if I described him. He's tall and handsome, even I know that. He's got brown hair, green eyes. Everyone likes him (I'm not envious - well maybe a little, I don't know - but it's not like I'm the reject brother, everyone likes me, too.). He's dramatic and outgoing, intelligent and caring. An all-around good guy.
But maybe there's a side to him that not everyone else sees. Maybe they do, but ignore it. He's, well, he's a bit arrogant. He likes the center of attention, and although he's not one of those needy annoying people, whenever I'm with him and around people, I get shunted to the back. He's the star, and I don't want to try to get the spotlight because it will look like I'm showing him up, I'll become the annoying little brother or something. It's not that I don't have the attention, it's that he does. I don't need that much attention, I'm a pretty humble guy. He's not.
I came to highschool and made friends easily. I'm friends with everyone because, well I don't believe in hatred. But my close friends, now they're his friends too, but his friends aren't my friends because they think of me as a ... a little brother. I can understand that, but why does he have to take my friends? Now, and I can see how bad this will sound, but now they pay more attention to him. Maybe that's because they know it's his last year. I don't know.
I've gone to an arts camp for a couple years - I'm a counselor there now. Everyone knows me there, I'm everyone's friend. I'm a leader there (and everywhere else, but he's always ahead of me everywhere else but there, because he doesn't go there) but now, this year, he's going, too. And I'm dreading it, because I'm scared he will go with his charming personality and steal my 'fame' away. Ugh, I don't want to sound selfish, but I've spent the last two years of my life being referred to as his brother. Maybe that will be different at art camp - maybe he'll be my brother, and I'll still be myself. But I'm still afraid. Oh, and I went to Ontario Youth Parliament this year. He didn't, he was busy. I'm afraid to encourage him to go because I kind of want it to be my thing, the thing that I do and he doesn't. Because he does everything else, and takes the spotlight.
In the school drama program, we're in the same play. He got the lead (there's five parts) and I got the least important. I was typecast and am happy with my role, I don't have much memorizing to do, but I'm still important and recognized. But he's ahead - he's even more important, and in a couple of months people will be congratulating him on his role and then forgetting about me. Is he more important, more valuable?
That's how I stand with my brother. I love him and I don't. I'm torn.
He doesn't have much respect. Well, he does, but not for authority. He argues with teachers, and I do too, sometimes, but he, well provokes them. But they love him, and love me, but, well, it's different. He likes to say, "I'll do whatever someone tells me to do, as long as they have a good reason." And often, I don't have a good reason, so he doesn't do what I say, disrespects me, and builds that wall between us. And I can't do anything about it - even if I try to talk about it he doesn't understand. That's been going on for a long time now.
My parents know how I feel, for the most part. I don't think they know how confused I am, but they do their best to make me feel loved, and usually succeed. But he has their attention because he's been applying for universities and scholarships. That might change, but for now... Everyone other than my parents and my best friend don't know, and probably don't really care. He's important.
Now, now he's moving out. He's going to university. And, well, I'm glad. He's finally leaving, so maybe I'll begin to really love him again, maybe some distance is what we need. Maybe once he's gone, people will notice me more, and finally, he won't pop into my group of friends and take everyone's attention.
I think we're too much alike, and since he was born first, he has the attention and I don't. I'm powerless, but only for now.
Well, I'm done my rant. Maybe I came off sounding like a selfish, attention-seeking brat who hates his brother. I hope not. It's just ... I can't stand it - the way he goes around and I'm left hanging. I feel a lot better to have written that all down. I don't even need this to be read. I wrote it just to place my thoughts in order. And they're a bit better now.
Well, what do you think. Am I a selfish reject or a normal little brother? Is this way out of line or am I feeling the average effects of having an all-important brother? Please tell me if it's normal to feel this way or not!
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lastpointe
Posted on: 03/07/2009 18:03
You are a normal lilttle brother. Because you are at the same school you are in his shadow.
I had a french teacher who called me by my sisters' name for an entire year. I gave up correcting her.
It is fair that he got the lead and you got a supporting part in the play. He is in grade 12 , you in 9, you have three more plays to do and most likely they wanted a bigger, taller, more mature boy for the role.
As to camp, it is odd that he is suddenly attending you r camp. My grade 12 graduate this year is taking a trip with her friends and working. And he will overshadow you most likely. But hopefully you can find your own space and group.
It is normal to both love and resent your siblings. Distance is a good thing and school will be better without him. You then need to establish a more grown up relationship so that when he comes home for breaks and holdiays you can sincerely enjoy his company and catch up.
A sibling is a life long relationship and while lots of people don't have good relationsips , it is great if you can work on it.
Sachyriel
Posted on: 03/07/2009 18:24
Hey man, if you can be happy for him getting his groovy life on and also be happy that you'll have less shadow to stand in, then that's great. you get two things to be happy in. You're brother stands in the Shadow of your father, who has a bigger headstart, so he's moving out of that one and making his own shadow finally.
Starboy
Posted on: 03/07/2009 18:40
to lastpointe: thanks for the reply, that makes me feel a lot better. one thing, i'm in gr. 10, but i totally agree with your point about the play.
thanks!
Kinst
Posted on: 03/07/2009 23:04
Hey man. I was happy when my brother moved out, and now I we get along better than ever. I was happy moving away from my mom, and now I love her more than ever. You spend your entire life with people and moving away heals everything. You're completely normal. Your relationship will only improve with him out of your hair. Promise.
trishcuit
Posted on: 03/07/2009 23:19
I am sure my second oldest will be doing the happy dance when her older sis moves out.
seeler
Posted on: 03/08/2009 12:25
Welcome to the world of the second-born. I hope that you don't also have a younger sibling making you a middle child. That was me.
Believe it or not you will always be second in some people's eyes. When I was fifty, I sent flowers to a funeral on behalf of myself and two sisters. My older sister got the only thank-you note. Recently I ran into a relative on the street and she exclaimed "I wonder if M. . . has heard the family news about the old homestead." not "Have you heard . . . ?" Just my older sister - as though she is the only one in our line.
Your brother sounds like a typical first-born or only child in that he probably has an air of entitlement. Rather than feeling fortunate and blessed, he feels entitled to the good things that come his way. He also probably feels a lot of pressure to be best at whatever he does. And he probably feels you breathing down his neck, ready to step up and maybe even pass if he slacks off the least bit.
You have your place too. You don't have to compete with your brother. You are free to explore the things that interest you - do the things that you are really good at.
Yes, it will become easier when he isn't at your school, or even in your home or community. And you may become even better friends than you are now. But there will always be that little something. He was first-born.
mrs.anteater
Posted on: 03/11/2009 17:25
starboy,
You are amazing how you can reflect and analyze your relationship. I was far from that at your age, you are pretty smart.
I was the youngest of four and grew up with the role and the feeling that no one ever asked me about anything and decisions were always made without me. While stuff like that influences your self esteem and also your attitude in all kind of situations in the future with family as well as with co workers, it is not set in stone and the more you build your own life, the more and easier you can overcome those feelings. One thing that is natural for your age is that you don't consider the importance of time. While your relationship with your brother is like this right now- over the time of your and his lifespan, there will be lots of opportunities to change.
Since he is the "older one", that change might not come until he gets in a situation of weakness and you are going to be there as the stronger one. For this, he will have to have the skill to admit the weakness at that time, and some people develop these skills and some don't. I have a very close relationship to my three year older sister, because we came to that point, where she gave up the "big sister role"- which means to only give advice to "little sister" from a stronger position, but showed me her weakness by telling me about her deepest feelings and fears-giving me the chance to comfort and support her.
My oldest sister never did this move. Even though she had lots of trouble in her life, she keeps holding up the image of perfect mother, perfect marriage and perfect christian. We had about ten years when we only exchanged pleasantries, me being in Canada and she in Europe, until the time had softened the hurt feelings.We will likely never get as close as I am with my other sister- but, you should never say never. There are lots of opportunities in life to show eachother how vulnerable we are. You have the brains and the heart to be there for your brother when he is ready, usually, that's not early in life, unless fate hits hard. Time will come. Keep it up. And don't be afraid of "negative" feelings. They are part of life and they only start to haunt you if you ignore them.
Elanorgold
Posted on: 03/11/2009 17:59
Hi Starboy,
You sound really normal to me from what I know about brothers. That sucks that he's "taken" your friends. I'm sure things will be better between you as you grow into adulthood. You might benefit from watching movies about brothers, like Legends of the Fall, and Into The West.
Also, do you have a diary? Then you can write all the things like this out at any time, and always feel better. I used to carry mine around with me in my purse. Good for spur of the moment poetry too!
dirait-on
Posted on: 03/14/2009 22:47
Hey Starboy,
I was browsing through the site and I found this topic... and I think I know you (and your brother) in real life. Not sure if that makes this super awkward, but I was wondering if I could give my opinion anyway... I've got a personal story that's really similar. =)
- L.O. ( from OYP... and the great L-dot =P)
P.S. If you'd rather keep the online world and the real world separate, that's cool too... just message me or whatever and let me know, and I'll keep my mouth shut :)
carolla
Posted on: 03/14/2009 23:12
Hi Starboy ... nope, you don't sound a bit brattish or selfish to me! Just a regular brother. Get ready to fully enjoy being 'home alone' so to speak ... although to some extent 'be careful what you wish for' as the saying goes ... your parents might shift their attention & energy to you more than you wish once big bro is gone from the nest!
It is a big transition when the oldest leaves home. Last summer my daughter moved to BC - we had a big party to send her off with good wishes, which was lots of fun. We tried to make sure her brother (3 yrs younger) was very much a part of it too, and didn't feel overlooked. So I need to keep in mind that we also have to mark his accomplishments & life decisions in similarly important ways. Both of them said from time to time that they felt the other sibling was favoured ... go figure!
Starboy
Posted on: 03/15/2009 12:03
yeah, please comment, that's great. probably a view such as yours, since you know me personally would be even more of a help.
L.O. ? i sent you a wondermail.
somegirl
Posted on: 03/15/2009 12:55
I was sad when my oldest brother moved out, but delighted when my next oldest brother moved out. There was more of an age difference than you and your brother, we are six years apart. All my friends had a crush on him, he was the smartest person ever in the whole history of the world and had been earning his own money since he was was 12 or 13 and he saved the money he made to buy really cool things that were his passion and he was also really good at. Anyway, my point is that your feelings seem perfectly normal to me.
dirait-on
Posted on: 03/15/2009 16:28
k, there's a couple of things that really struck me about your original post.
Starboy
Posted on: 03/15/2009 21:29
thanks for that reply! it's hard to have the perspective of what it will be like in five years, but everything you (and everyone else) have said makes it a lot easier to bear my dear bro.
thanks again!
SLJudds
Posted on: 04/01/2009 12:15
Starboy, I'm 40 years older than you, and I still can't stay in the same room as my brother (who is 59) for too long.
Freundly-Giant
Posted on: 04/01/2009 12:45
Oh, the life of a little brother... I'm with you. My brother's moving out in... 89 days! I'm pretty excited.
mikese
Posted on: 04/27/2009 14:51
My sister has been out of the house for a long time from Italy to Portland and Upstate NY now brooklyn, i dont see her often but we keep in touch, moving isn't easy for anyone and there's always going to be changes.
puppypaws
Posted on: 04/27/2009 15:54
I am totally with you! I love my older sister but I also just wish she would just get out of here! I think it is a perfectly normal feeling that you are having or if it is not then I guess I am a "selfish reject" too!
SG
Posted on: 04/27/2009 16:30
Starboy,
First, sorry I did not see this thread sooner. I mostly watch "recently active" as the new design of wondercafe has proven difficult for me.
I found myself chuckling at the tales of siblings and I also found myself almost moved to tears.
You are soooooo normal.
My sister, also younger, used to get upset about me stealing her friends and the like. I used to think she was a pain... We each felt the way siblings often feel.
There was a wall, built brick by brick by each of us over the years.
Finding out how much you really care for someone who is a pain in your ass or a thorn in your side can be equally hard to bear.
I cannot put into words how hard it is to know the hold methamphetamines have on her, how it feels to wonder if today is the day she dies...
Whatever you feel about your brother, don't let it over-ride the feeling that his is your brother... don't let that wall get too high that there is no getting over it or around it....
Starboy
Posted on: 04/28/2009 19:47
it's like... sometimes i love him and
sometimes i don't.
today i didn't realize i had three (a bit of chest showing) shirt buttons undone, but apparently it looked interesting, and someone asked me what was with my outfit, undone shirt? and then my sister's friend (who was there) said, he's trying to be like his brother. that's why.
i cannot describe how strangely angry that made me.
no i was not trying to be like my brother. i was being me, and now it's like even that is disappearing.
*shakes head*
thanks, you guys.
jesouhaite777
Posted on: 03/07/2010 16:43
Kid you crack me up
Yes be very happy .....
carolla
Posted on: 03/07/2010 18:38
Hi PurpleHope - welcome to wondercafe! I don't think I've seen you here before. It sounds like you're posting from Europe - which is fantastic! Nice to have that international perspective here. I hope we'll hear more from you.
carolla
Posted on: 03/07/2010 18:40
Starboy - haven't see you lately ... everything ok? C.
puppypaws
Posted on: 03/07/2010 22:08
Carolla I believe purplehope may be a spamer... check out how he convinently hid a link in his post.
ninjafaery
Posted on: 03/07/2010 22:21
I flagged it. For some reason, spammers seem to resurrect old threads.
puppypaws
Posted on: 03/07/2010 22:43
me too ninja.... it's odd how they do that when they could probably slip in easier if they posted on a more current thread.
carolla
Posted on: 03/07/2010 23:19
I did see that link actually, but just ignored it. Who knows? It would be kinda interesting tho to have a European contributor.
Tabitha
Posted on: 03/08/2010 15:03
Well Starboy-now your brother is away at university how goes it at home and school?