Hey, wow...I don't remember writng this article but it sounds just like me ( Tongue firmly planted in cheek...I hope you're not mad at me)

It's amazing that you posted this now. My son has met someone who may be the "right" one, and I realize I'm anxious about the idea of meeting her soon. I'm afraid of the projections on both sides and determined to try to be aware of these. I realize this is an important occasion and want it to go well -- without projections and stereotyping. 

I'm worried that she'll project her worries and that I'll be doing the same. It's like a shadow dance, isn't it? I don't even know who she is (if my son likes her, she must be cool)

I want to like her and want her to like me. 

Anyone else been through this?

I also relate to assigning motives to people without checking their validity. It's not fair to them. 

My "in laws" (my "common-laws"?) are visiting next month. We have never met in person (they live overseas). I imagine there will be a lot of that going on!

Projecting Smiles to everyone.

Ninjafaery, I love the shadow dance imagery.

I was particularly impressed with the author's observation that our projections are almost always negative and self oriented.  Why didn't she (and note I just projected the gender on the author, we have no way of knowing this) immediately think about her friend's well being.  Instead of leaving the self centric message "are you upset with me", why not the "are you ok?" query.

Yet we often project positives on others - I predict both of you will be loved by your new family members because I see you both as wonderful people and how could these people not see you any other way!

We would have something better between us if you would look at me rather than at your image of me.
      Robert A. Johnson, Owning Your Own Shadow...

ninjafaery . . . if she's the "one" . . . love her, whether you like her or not (which is unlikely) - don't compare her (in your mind and heart) to previous possible ones . . . get to know her . . . appreciate her uniqueness . . . if her son chooses her, she's the right one!  As for her liking you . . . no problem!!!  I'm sure she will love you!

Kimmio - you will do just fine also . . . be yourself . . . again . . . if their son has chosen you,, it will be great.

Sounds familiar to me . . . what did I say wrong, what did I do wrong, what didn't I say that I should have, etc. etc. etc. 

Why, I even go through that right here on Wondercafe . . . when I post something and it appears to be bypassed when I thought someone would have commented in some way, when someone comments or says "hi" to everyone else on the thread but I feel I am inadvertendly missed, when I post a topic starter and there aren't very many replies, etc. etc. etc.  Then I have to say to myself "why do I think I am so important that people must always acknowledge me LOL?)

Yeah I feel like that a lot Beloved. It's somehow comforting to know we're not alone in thinking that. So why are we like that?

The unanswered messages are particularily painful. Though I do try not to obsess or beat myself up with the what if's, and negative selfassessments. But then when you send something quite long and important and get ignored, what can you think? So I tell myself, maybe they didn't receive it or their computer is busted, or they're too depressed to write back, or maybe they've just moved on with their life...

So I've adopted a two message rule. I don't write to a person more than twice without receiving a response. That way I don't make a fool of myself, or give myself added pain asking for attention, and if they want off the hook they are free to go.

As for inlaws, I remember the expectations of my mother in law when we met each other, and she was dissapointed. I guess we can't help it. ANd when my mom met my husband, she was convinced he didn't like her. Well, they're quite different people, and they have since leanred how to relate to, and appreciate, one another.

This habit of negative projection is something I've battled with all my life - and I'm slowly getting to understand  why it happens and what to do about it............

The most practical help I got was from my husband, John.

In the course of our marriage he got quite accustomed to me returning home from work or an outing with a friend/friends in a distracted and upset manner.

"What's happened?", was his inevitable question.

"Well, "X" said..............., and that means she's upset with me because.........."

He would simply smile at me and say, "That's one explanation. I can think of at least five more -and I'm sure there are others. My point is that you don't know -and you're allowing yourself to get upset on a guess."

It was his way of making me see the bleeding obvious - I didn't know anything.

These days (but still not always!) I now mutter to myself "You're really only guessing - you don't know."

One reason for the negative projections in my case is that I was raised in a family where both parents were sensitive and too easily hurt.

Perhaps unwittingly to counteract their own extreme sensitivity, we kids grew up learning that the worst crime you could commit in our family was to hurt someone's feelings.

Perhaps due to my own personality, I had a lot of difficulty with this - particularly concerning my Dad. As a kid, I was often punished for this by withdrawal of his affection, which hurt me deeply.

I now see how it has led me to thinking that if someone is upset, " I must have caused it".

Fortunately, I can now at least challenge this assumption.........

Finally, in answer to the question, why are our projections usually so negative, I think clinical social worker Brene Brown has the answer.

Deep, deep down we all think we're inadequate in some way. "If only others knew "x" about me, they wouldn't think well of me."

Thus, in reality, it's not the other that thinks so badly about us - it's us.

Grow to love and accept ourselves - accept that we're "good enough", get away from over-compensating in the fruitless task of seeking perfection, and just maybe our projections will be more realistic.........

Yes. Of cource, we still need people to prove that we're ok in order to believe it. If you have nothing but being ignored, you will have a pretty tough time thinking well of yourself. It's a matter of how much approval you need I supose, maybe not letting the ammount needed get out of hand. ?? One person's approval can be enough.

I think as women we naturally use our empathy to assess what others are thinking and feeling, something men don't do as much. Hence they are very usefull in bringing us back to ground. Hubby does the same for me.

I can trace mine back to my childhood too. Maybe there's a genetic factor as well. SOme people/kids do seem more secure than others from the get go.

I was at a small concert recently, by myself, and I felt very isolated and alone, til I almost wanted to cry, then I remembered one important person who likes me, and because of that I felt that even if that was the only person in the world who liked me, I would be ok. Then I listened to the songs, and they were about sorrow and lonliness, and suddenly I felt that everyone in the room has their own sorrows, and they differ from mine, so I had no reason to feel any lesser than anyone else there. ANd the singer had the most guts of all, presenting her innermost feelings to the audience, what she doesn't have that I do. Then I felt very greatful for what I have.