Welcome Need2No! I hope you'll find this place to be a supportive and engaging community.

Thank you for your welcome!  I feel supported already.

Welcome.  I have heard other rural ministers say that they find it hard to have a personal social life.  Being friends with people from the congregation isn't a good choice because you also have to act as their minister some of the time.  Ministers from other denominations aren't always compatible.  Single ministers seem to find it more challenging than married ones, who can do things as a couple or family group.  One said that joining a club wasn't successful because the other people changed their normal behavior because there was now a minister in the group!

Hopefully some of the ministers in the WC will share their ideas amd provide some help for you.

Greetings Need2no . . . and welcome!

My hat goes off to all ministry personnel - rural or other - from where I sit their personal lives must be very challenging at times - being on call for emergencies, being looked to for help, fixing, and comfort in so many ways, sometimes having a hard time making and maintaining friendships.

I hope you find this a place where you feel supported and cared for.

I know this season is a busy one for my minister . . . and my guess is that it is the same for you.  I know my minister is working over the holidays . . . and my guess is so are you.  The difference is, my minister has a family and plans for Christmas - I hope someone in your congregation has included you in their Christmas Day celebration if that is your wish.  We've had two ministers previous to this one who were single with no family here, and we always tried to make sure that someone from the congregation invited them over the holidays.  It did not mean they always accepted, but at least they were included and asked.

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

Need2no,

Welcome!

Rural life and ministry comes with its own challeges, as does urban lving and ministry.

The same can be said about being single versus married.

I am in a rural environment, but partnered. My spouse is supportive, but she is not clergy and there is much she does not get and much I cannot confide. I am sure some would tell you that having a partner does not always get you support.

Wondercafe can be a great resource. There are times you can be ministered to, times you are fed rather than doing the feeding. It is definitely a community. There is laughter and fun. There is sharing of pain. There are also ruffled feathers and hurt feelers... and all that.

Some have hang-ups about what a minister is or should be or how they should act or what they should say... but, by and large, it lets you be you.

Can you share more about you?

Has the entire time been stressful? Is it the isolation or is it the lack of a partner, or both? I ask because sometimes folks are not cut out for rural life, sometimes being single is not stressful.... sometimes what was ok isn't any longer... a period of healing has happened or you are ready to be in a relationship.

Do you look for support outside partners? Do you have other support?

My experience, having served two rural ministries (the first very isolated) before coming to my present charge, is that you can, indeed, have friendships (and very close ones) within the church.

In my first pastorate, for example, we ended up being virtually adopted by one extended family in one of the congregations. We spent Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving with them, had days at their cabin, and socialized a lot. We had a similar relationship with a family in my second charge. In both cases, it caused no problems that I was aware of, and in both cases we remain in contact. One has to be cautious, though, of WHY a person or family wants to be your friend. Some, for whatever reason, simply have a need to be close to the minister. That's usually easy to figure out. My wife has a theory - always beware of the first parishioner who shows up at your door. They NEED to be your friend. That's not healthy. Always discern who "needs" to be close with the minister. Then keep some distance from them. You can become friends with those who don't NEED to be your buddy. The two relationships I spoke of above evolved over time. Some worry about favouritism, but my experience has been that parishioners don't really care that much if you spend social time with someone in the church, provided that you're available to everyone when you're needed.

I buck the accepted norm, here, I admit, but I just don't buy the whole "pastor can't be friend" boundary thing.  That's based on some sort of misguided 60's-70's notion that the minister is a therapist of sorts. I'm no therapist. I don't claim to be and I don't want to be. I accompany people on their spiritual journey, and they accompany me on mine. If they become friends while I do so, then we are both spiritually richer for the experience. If we don't become friends while I do so, we are still spiritually richer for the experience. 

Double post. Sorry.

kaythecurler,

As someone new to ministry and rather rural... I cannot say I see myself in much of what you say. Maybe, I am blessed. Well, I know that I am.

I began this pretty authentic (LOL).

I was me, warts and all, as laity and I still am. It means people know I am TG... I swear, drink, play cards, watch movies with nudity....

I have a circle of friends.Some are members of congregations and others not.  I believe that you can wear many hats. I was a domestic violence worker in a past life and I could have counselled a friend or loved one if called upon to. I would not have broken confidentiality to gossip over cards or dinner. I would not say I took off one hat to put on another. It was so much who I was, the same applies now.  I am not sure why people think that ministers cannot be friendly or friends with people in their congregation. If both parties are mature, respectful of boundaries, etc...I see nothing wrong.

The only thing I have experienced is that people do seem to initially attempt to change their behaviour. If they are told "knock it off" or "that is not necessary" then they usually don't keep pretending. If you do not act like you have changed they usually do not think you have changed and that they need to avoid you or act a certain way.
That said, I am partnered. I can imagine trying to mingle and date as a minister might pose a problem. Not that being a funeral home director or a proctologist is not without its problems.
 

I would hope that if you do not start by asking "are you saved?" or "do you know Jesus" and don't  at a wine and cheese party say, "the blood of Christ" or "the cup of blessing"... I would hope you could do ok....

Working with clergy for many years via local church M&P and Presbytery, I don’t envy rural ministers.  Lets face it – if you are in a town of 1400 people, the locals will always look at you as the Minister…..yes, you can have close friends….but the “community” see’s you as a Minister.  You are always under scrutiny.  I suggest that you don’t live in your community – even if just outside…people won’t be able to tell when you are coming or going etc….  Most don’t do it intentionally but it does happen. Our current Minister has no problem going into a bar and having have drink, wine with dinner etc.. – however, for some in the past, this has been an issue….feel like they are always being judged.

Depending on the health of your Presbytery – make friends with clergy there – sometimes Presbyteries will assign or ask folks to “friend” you so to speak……

Don’t let all this stuff get you down – rural communities (small churches) having something that larger communities will never have due to size – a sense of family and community – it just happens…people have known each other for years……

While there are lots of members here – not everyone posts – reach out when in need….or just to “vent”.  We have all done it at one point – some more than others…lol.

Welcome!

Welcome!.  You did not indicate how isolated your charge is. 

My first one (at the age of 42) was over an hour from the next community that was not part of the charge, but had an excellent ministerial association.  I was coupled with 2 very young children, so didn 't have the single issue as a minister, even though I did in my previous teaching career.  My second pastoral charge was only about 30 minutes from other communities, but it was smaller and socially a little more isolating, but it was where I was invited to join the Masons.

My teaching experience (in northern Alberta in 6 different communities--almost all as a single person), and ministerial experience points to the usefulness of finding the cfas (Come from away s).  The people in a community, rural or urban, that went to school together seem to form pretty tight cliques.  The people who marry into a community and those who come as transient workers (doctors, teachers, social workers, RCMP officers, administrators, etc.) create their own sub-communities, some of which overlap with the subcommunities of the people born there (Curling, choirs, sports, performing arts societies, etc.)  Continuing Ed classes can be a fun way to meet a mix of people.

To me it is important that you enjoy or have a passion for whatever activities you join.  And don't be afraid to try to initiate something new.  In my first fall in St. Paul, I saw an ad for the potential start of a cross-country ski club, an initiative of two cfa families, and it was the entry point for getting involved in many different organizations.

As Steven Davis claims above, it is okay to become friends with some people in a congregation, with the caveat he adds.  Our first day in one community, two people showed up: one brought a meal and asked to help make our beds as we unpacked, and she was quickly done and out the door -- awesomely generous person.  The second showed up with squares or cookies and was expecting to be invited to come in and visit -- became one of my arch enemies.  She needed a friend to replace the friends she had in the previous clergy family and felt abandoned.  One of our closest friends in the last rural community in which we lived was a 90 something widow who became part of our family -- she was a awesome presence in the community, and we still miss her because our move to the city.

Romance is a trickier issue.  Continuing Ed courses and workshops, and other events and activities elsewhere can be an option.  Meeting people outside the congregation through activities you enjoy are a common option.  One classmate married someone in the remote community in which she was settled, and continues to live there, but left ministry.  Occassionally the right person is in the congregation, but this can be a minefield, as you probably were informed at seminary.

I don't know if you are male or female.  As a male, making friends has always been a challenge -- being in ministry has maybe made it a bit more challenging, but I never made a lot of friends as a teacher either.

Being positive, compassionate and cheerful are helpful practices.

I wish you all the best in your ministry, in your life in a rural community, and in your participation in Wondercafe.

Obviously circumstances vary from church to church, community to community and minister to minister.   All I did was share some of things I have heard expressed to me by ministers from  several different denominations.

Do people in this community and the various congregations watch the ministers and the choices of activities?  Absolutely - and they talk about it.

Is there gossip around 'who the minister has a closer relationship with'?  Absolutely - and I have heard about the jealousy that arises from those who aren't in the 'in' group.  Some people get really upset when a minister accepts an invitation from someone else in the congregation.

I'm sure it doesn't have to be like that - but in my town that is what I see and hear. 

I enjoyed reading about how this works in other places and churches.

I have had a number of conversations about what I thought would change entering minstry... and none of these things really made the list, though I had a list of things that I felt would.

I have been asked about being seen leaving a liquor store...

I think I shocked people with my honesty. Then, they understood.

I do not have pretense and airs and a reputation to uphold....

I am me.

You see, I have this thing about me, that everyone knows.... if they don't already know theywill. They can see, hear, spot, talk about.... it.

I have let it out.... what do I have to hide or worry about? Nothing that big.

I cannot worry about gossip and scrutiny of my person or I could not be a TG person in ministry.

I think some ministers, present or ones in the past, talked about the sins of ___ and then were doing ___ or  ____.  I think they watched who slept with who and who came in when and whether people were married.... and they preached on it.

So, in a way, folks can say they had/have it coming, though two wrongs do not make a right.

My ministry will not be watching and judging. I would hope for the same.  

My ministry will call you to know me, inside and out.... and  welcome me, accept me, .... love me.... 

In return, my ministry will know anyone and everyone, inside and out, and welcome, accept and love....

So, far it has worked that people respect that some things are nobody's business but that person's and minding it is also not your place.

In a village without a population count. In a merged township of under 800 people spread out over about 280 sq. kms. Where everyone in the surrounding communities knows me. Where "town" with a population under 20,000 also has most people know me or know of me. Where I have lived as a non-minister for almost a decade. Where I have been pulpit supply for a few years....

I have had no problems...

Again, I am starting out where I live, openly, as me. I mean, really, why worry about swearing or being seen buying liquor when folks know you cross dress or cross live?

It may change. I pray it does not. I have encountered people who live their faith.

Hello Need2no and welcome to WonderCafe.ca

Well, WonderCafe.ca can offer support minimally.  We are a friendly enough bunch.  Virtual community has its limits and we may not be able to offer you enough support.

No doubt we will try.

So, once again, welcome and wade in as deep as you feel comfortable.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Hi Need to nI looked at your profile. You must have been lurking about for awhile.

Yes single in a small town can be lonely-even when you are not the minister!

I too am single and still quite new to this town 14 months.

I just read a Macleans article that said most adults are single-we do outnmber the marries. That was a suprise for me as I sometimes feel it is a couple's world. Guess it just seems that way sometimes.

When you need a humouress break-watch a video or 2 of " The Vicar of Dibley" It's English, she is single and it's funny!