That sounds really tough to deal with.  I haven't been in that position myself.  I wonder if your community has a Caregivers Support Group that you could share and learn at?  I suspect there is a certain amount that you need to learn to roll with - but I can't see why you should feel obliged to always dance to your mothers whims either.  Sometimes, for ones own sake they just have to say No.

Hope this gets better for you - and soon! 

Northstar, I can relate.

Though probably not the exact same, I may be of some help or at least a nod of "yes"

My mother died almost 2 years ago, and my Dad has been failing as well.  The years since she died have required a fair bit of support.  I am sure that his needs would only be met if I moved in there and quit my job so I could give him full-time care.  On good days, he is fine.

My siblings are either far away or no longer a part of his life.  

Had it been the other way around in terms of who died first, I think there would have been more support.

I have had to set limits to my father and encouraged him to get assistance.

He has hired a companion type person who comes in three times a week. That seems to work, though, he appears to be burning that relationship out.   I think he has always been selfish or maybe just unaware of the others own space/requirements.  When it is shared with him then he gets grumpy, shuts down, but, eventually comes around.

Namana and I have graduated from the sandwich generation into the upper crust. I am afraid that we are squeezing the meat out of the sandwich generation below us.

Naman, somehow I think you would be a delight to visit and be present with

Oops I posted in the wrong thread and am reposting deleted message in another thread namely my thread "Back to The Bible." in Relationships.

Ah the power of the written word!

Naman, I've a feeling that the next sandwich I eat will make me think of you.........

Pinga  brings up an important point that is seldom discussed.

One parent is more difficult to care for than the other - when their partner dies.

Old age tends to emphasise personality traits, and we "kids"  were somewhat relieved that Mum survived Dad. (I feel guilt saying this, but it's the truth.)

Dad, like a lot of men of his generation, would have found the day to day management of the house and his health difficult to cope with.

Also, he was emotionally dependant on Mum, and would have been lost without her.

(He himself knew this, and once confessed to me that life wouldn't be worth living without Mum.)

Just as parents want their kids to be happy -so do adult kids want their elderly parents to be happy.

Apart from finding the time -through being a sandwich generation and having your own life's interests and committments - there is the anxiety and sadness knowing that whatever you do isn't enough. They want their partner - and you can't be that..........

You can arrange home help etc -but, for me, it's this sadness that is the most difficult.

Since Mum's partner Hughie died earlier this year she is finding life tough. Her memory problems are worse -but I admire her so much. She still has the courage to face each new day with hope in her heart and a smile that seldom leaves her lips........

Exactly, Pilgrim's Progress.

I relate to Naman.  Seelerman and I are the top crust.  In our seventies, we still manage quite well - maintain our home, both drive, even have parttime jobs.  But we can see the writing on the wall.  The time will come when we need help - will we know when?  will we hire someone to cut the lawn, run the snowblower?  someone to come in a couple of times a week to do the heavy cleaning?  And eventually downsize to a more manageable senior's apartment? 

Or will we start nagging - expecting our daughter to 'be there' for us more and more often.  She has her own life, and her own problems.  And a busy teen and eight-year-old son who need her primary attention.   And our son lives on the other side of the world.

it's hard, isn't it seeler.  

It would be helpful for me to know your and Naman's thoughts.  Maybe we can have the conversation that is harder to have with your own relationship.

My guilt tells me my Mom stayed at home when I was little and of course was there when I was sick , etc.  I will say, though, that having had her Mom live with them when she was old, she said she would NEVER want her children to care for her.    

I know it isn't a bank account that you deposit into and then withdraw and yet, there is a lot about relationships built and nurtured over time.

What do you expect is reasonable to ask of your children?

My parents are in their mid 70's now and still in good health, but live an eight hour drive from me.  My nearest sibling is 5 hours from me and the same distance from them, and the other two are on the other side of the country.  Each of my parents has told us "don't ever put me in a home".  

I know the challenges for me, when their health fails and decisions have to be made, will be significant.   I am interested in this thread to see what others are doing. Distance makes things difficult.  

I don't know much about this and have heard of a few who do this - in-laws suite attached to main house or a separate structure on main property. It seems like a good solution if one could afford it.

Privacy but overseen.

Anyone know about this?

I come from a family of long generations, so although I'm relatively young to be so (late middle age), I'm the top of the sandwich myself already. My Dad died first (he was almost 40 when I was born, and a delicate man), and my mother had never lived alone and it didn't go well (she's bipolar and my Dad had kept an eagle eye on her for almost 50 years). I was single parent to two kids in a little flat, so a family meeting was called and it fell to me (the oldest) to "look after Mom".  Worked out pretty well until she had a stroke. Then we managed for another couple of years, with lots of home care assistance, until she lost the ability to weight bear and she had to move to a nursing home.  That was hard, as well - almost four years of regular visits, advocacy, support. At the same time, my children were going through rather difficult teenage years.

Antidepressants, yoga and intermittent therapy got me through those years with my sanity more or less intact. And Mom and I built a strong relationship out of those difficult years. She got to know her grandchildren in a way that wouldn't have been possible if we'd lived apart. She and I more or less worked out most of our baggage together. As deaths go, she had a pretty peaceful one. And my kids might argue, but I think it was good for them, as well. They learned about aging and family responsibilities in a fashion that most kids don't get. On the other hand, this isn't a family agreement, in that neither of my two sisters were even remotely interested in taking on a role with Mom. 

Do I expect my children to look after me? No. But should we mutually choose to blend our lives in a living arrangement at some point, I'm good with that.

Bette, did you move into your mother's home or did she move in with you?

Note: My husband's mother has absolutely no interest in living with anyone.  Years ago, when she lost her eyesight we started to look at an addition to have her live with us.  D'uh didn't consult her first. Was she ticked!  She was adamant she would live in her apartment and would manage, and had no interest in moving in with any of her children, of which three out of four could readily have her move in.  Nor did she want anyone moving in with her.  

There are situations where families make plans and agreements which dont' take into account later changes in family dynamics.   It does get complicated.  

What we would like in an ideal world; what we want; what we might reasonably expect -- three different things.   And I can only speak for myself - every family, every situation is different.

I think most people would want their children to be happy, successful (not necessarily rich), contributing individuals - in loving, supportive relationships - and, if it suits their lifestyle, raising children. 

The ideal picture would have some of them (in my case, my daughter) live within comuting distance.  They would call every few days, and drop in once or twice a week.  The grandchildren would come for sleep-overs.  they would listen to my stories, we would make cookies, granddaughter would help me sort and dust my books and bookshelves.  Every second week or so they would visit for Sunday dinner.  Son-in-law would cut the grass or help Seelerman with a chore or go down in the basement and admire his train lay-out.  They would invite us to their home for meals.  We would play games together - bocce ball or horseshoes; cards, Mexican train, Monolopy.   And perhaps once in awhile we would vacation together.   Seelerboy, from further away, might call once a month, e-mail several times, send gifts (maybe money to buy something special or go out for a meal in a fancy restaurant), and come home every second year.  When home it would be nice if he helped Seelerman some around the house, and took us for a week's holidays (a drive around the Gaspe, whale watching on Grand Manaan, or a beach holiday for the whole family in PEI). 

But Seelerboy lives on the other side of the world and has his own life.  And Seelergirl her own problems.

Realistic - calls several times a week; visits maybe once a week (come and have lunch - she works 10 min away)  Birthday and Christmas celebrations planned.  Grandchildren visit because they want to.   Take me shopping four or five times a year - help me pick my glasses, clothes, shoes.  Take me with her and granddaughter to the Spa to get my eyebrows shaped and my mustache removed.  Help me when my computer acts-up.  Meet me at church - with the grandchildren.  Don't rush away afterwards every Sunday - sometimes go for lunch together.  Take us out for a nice restaurant meal, or a short vacation.  Ask about my Parkinson's - keep aware of my health (without overwhelming me - I'm still capable and competent).  Encourage me to keep my own friends, my own activities.   And keep me involved in her life - tell me what's going on (not every detail, but don't leave me in the dark or protect me).  Cry on my shoulder, if need be. 

Be generous in sharing her life and time and encouraging the grandchildren to do the same.  (Maybe tell them that it is rude to 'text' or play computer games when visiting Grandparents).

My grandparents all live in another province, in their own homes, and my parents were the first to move away.  One set of grandparents does have their other children all still living in the same city, the other doesn't.  When I was still living with my parents, my mom was still the one to take care of the grandparents after a heart attack or surgery.  She would fly out every time.  By the time she was doing that, my sister and I didn't really need her, but she always seemed to feel guilty she couldn't be around to help us with laundry or make a hot lunch during our busy times like final exams.

I can't see the grandparents ever living with my parents or aunts and uncles.  They want to stay in their own homes, and when it comes time that they must move out, they will need more care than they can get living in an en suite with the family.  They are getting too stubborn though!  My mom has been after her parents to get a dishwasher and to convert a bedroom into a laundry room so they don't have to go down the uneven basement stairs.  My parents are willing to look after the arrangements and pay for it, but my grandparents won't agree to it.

Hopefully it will be quite some time before chemguy and I have to take care of our parents, but both of our moms have some major health issues.  I can't see us ever living with our parents though, unless it was temporary while waiting for a new place to be livable.  The opinion seems to be mutual both ways..

I have no parents/in laws  to provide support for as they all died quite some time ago.  MIL lived with us for her last few weeks of life and it worked out quite well, even though we had four noisy kids.  She LOVED listening to them, even if they were arguing!

How this 'aging' stuff will play out for my partner and I is a mystery.  I have two degenerative diseases that are definitely worsening,  My partner is in good health for his age. 

Only one of our kids lives and works close enough to be able to offer assistance - but has not done that in any way.  (yes, we have communicated our increasing needs).  I don't anticipate that this will change as I become less able to cope.  At the moment we manage by paying a grandchild to cut the grass and a friend to do housecleaning.  If medication costs and long trips to specialist appointments etc  continue to increase we wil suffer financially.  Paying for help may become a luxury we can't afford.  I've not spent time worrying about this yet - maybe there is some assistance available through the health care system?

Should my partner die first I would sell out and move into an apartment with some built in supports.  Moving in with the nearby 'kid' is NOT an option.  The other kids are too far away and moving away would cut me off from the community I have here.  

Northstar, I think that we should be giving you some more encouragement and new ideas. I hope that things are going better for you.

Government sponsored home care has been cut back. Some of the laid off social workers are  now working for the Alzheimers society which provides free counselling.

So glad this came up now in this forum! I feel that I'm not dealing with my role in the sandwich with anything like grace these days. Very fortunate that my siblings are involved and my kids are supportive but I visit guilt and resentment far more often than I'd like to.
The other day, a co-worker said something I like: "Think of yourself as the gooey white filling in the Oreo." Hmmm, sandwich cookie. OK, I can work with that.