post deleted. I have decided to put this away again, back in it's drawer. I thank everyone who replied. It has been good to discuss this a bit and have some new insight, and a film to watch.

post deleted. Thank you again to those of you who offered thoughts and support.

I don't really know what to say other than I strongly hope this is healing for you.

Thanks Jon. I don't know yet. Better out than burried? Maybe my experiences will help someone else.

It's interesting to reflect on those that we find ourselves attracted to over the course of our lifetimes isn't it? It can help us to see how we have evolved in our lives. Thank you for sharing this Elanor.

Hi Eleanor,

When I first read this, I was thinking, wow! So obsessive, but then after I got to thinking about myself and my girlfriends while still teenagers, I suppose there was that "one love that got away" that we all pined about.

Have you ever seen the movie, "Splendor in the Grass" with Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty?(another hunk) It's a great movie about unrequitted love. He moves on, but she can't. Her obsession almost destroys her.

Poem that the movie gets it's title from:  (William Wordsworth)

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.<
        (Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood, 175-186)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tbft-6o4MQs

Thanks SomeGal and Waterfall. Lovely poem. I've not seen the movie. Watching the clip, I know pretty much how she felt. Really well acted. I'll have to get hold of that film.

 ... 

It is something that is part of me, my past, that I live with. Most of the time I have moved on and I forget, but it left it's mark. I take these memories out once in a while, dust them off, look at them, and put them back on the shelf and close the cabinet door.

This is why I am Eowyn, and my hubby is my Faramir.

Another film that really resonates with me is The New World. Pocahontas's first love abandons her and she is found by her second love, her dear husband. Gut wrenching and very beautiful film. One of my favorites.

I am still in unrequited love.

She is the sweetest lady I know. She's highly talented, a wonderful mother, incurably upbeat, and a courageous cancer survivor. She has all the values I wish I had.

And she's beautiful to boot.

But she's 20 years younger than me. She doesn't deserve to be burdened with an old man with more personal baggage than you can stuff into Samsonite. I don't have the energy left to live the lifestyle she needs.

Dammit!

So I will wish the best for her and try to moon unnoticed.

C'est la vie!

Sorry to hear it Judd. I think we can cherish these feelings, keeping them in a special place in our mind. I have kept mine pretty much bottled up for 20 years. I keep a little leather covered box filled with red rose heads, and a picture of him, picture of me then, and a few poems, in my treasure trunk.

I also have my old diaries, which I have to be careful not to read or I'll be sucked into the past and have to read my way out through all the diaries that came after to get back to the present!

I thought I saw Splendor in the Grass listed in entirety on Youtube, I'll check that out shortly.