wow, do i ever know what you are feeling like!!  i married my high school sweetheart, and we went through what you are describing here... quite a few times, i'm sad to say.  i wish i could tell you that once you get through this episode, it will be smooth sailing from there on in, but that would be a lie.  i look at our relationship as a never ending series of choices... there are many days when i wake up and feel love for this man.  and there are many days when love isn't a feeling, but a choice i have to make.   we have now been married for 20 years, and i still have to remind him that me and his family need to come before his job... he is a very hard worker, and every so often he starts coming home later and later.  at that point, i have to pull him aside and tell him that he needs to be home by 5pm. 

so yeah, that feeling that you aren't a priority??  its a part of your life from here on in should you choose to spend it with this man.  it doesn't mean that you are not his priority... it simply means that he will need to be reminded that you are his priority from time to time!!!

first of all... have you told him about all the things you wish he would do for you??   i found that this was the biggest hurdle for our relationship... i had it in my head that if he really loved me, he should KNOW that i was feeling neglected.  that led to a lot of arguements and pain... most men aren't able to read women easily, and you need to sit them down and draw them a roadmap.  i'm not kidding... my husband has no idea how i'm feeling.  that doesn't mean he doesn't love me, it just means he has no idea how i'm feeling.  but if i sit him down and say 'i am feeling like we are drifting apart again... lets go on a date friday.  you plan the outing, i'll get a sitter for the kids.', he comes up with some amazing ideas for dates.  but again, I HAVE TO TELL HIM.  otherwise, i just sit there seething, and he floats along thinking that everything is okay.

does any of that make any sense???

Oddly I too married my high school boyfriend.  Married 29 years but been together 36 years.

I think a couple of different things from your post.

He is in a band and right now that may well be his priority.  He has a committment to the band ( my son is in one too) and it can be hard to rehearse and plan and get gigs if all members don't make it THE priority.

He is also at university with you so classes, studying and all that stuff is a very big priority too.  As it should be for you.

then there is his girl friend, you.

I think you need to sit down and really think about what are his priorities, honestly and what are yours.

is your number one priority to have a boy friend or get an education.  What about him?  Is the band his love and the education just something to fall back on?

i assume you are about 20ish.  It may well be that having a girl friend is great, he honestly loves you and you him but that it isn't and can't be the number one thing in either of your lives.

As to "what missing" .  When you start a new relationship it is all about time and romance and gifts and loving cards and notes and flowers........  that is because you are wooing each other.

Then you settlel into love.  You become comfortable.  Everything doesn't need to be a big event or planned out to the Nth degree.  you say you go to his gigs but then you want him to take you "out"  I am guessing that he has considered the night in the club for free, drinks on the band and being part of the in crowd a date.  Isn't it?  Is there really time for dates between school, practicing, gigs, your commitments.

If you don't like going to gigs, don't go.  Or tell him you will bring a friend so you have someone to sit with.

Lastly, you are young.  I married my highschool guy when I was 23.  I finished school, was working he was too.  After all the sort of oddity of school and the unreality of university life, once we had jobs and were organised then we knew we coudl be married.

And my hubby had a high powered job with long hours that cut into family time alot.  We dealt with that and I didnt' begrudge him those hours he needed to work.  Others like Sighs asked for changes.  I just worked around it with our kids.

Thank-you both for your input! It is also comforting to know that relationships like mine can work out. Love is something that needs to be worked at and I feel like I am trying to do this everyday. Many would tell me just to break off the relationship with this guy, but the reality is even though I am not always blissfully in love with him, I don't want anyone else. I love his company and I am not ready to give that up yet.

The root of all heartache is expectation and I think that is what I am dealing with here.

Sighsnootles: In the past I have told him how I feel and specific things I need him to do which I interpret as him showing his love for me. He was grateful that I just told him, but he also then feels guilty and disappointed in himself for not doing those things in the first place. I am thinking of making a list, but I don't want to be demanding. How can I present these ideas to him without sounding too demanding or overwhelming him with a huge list? And yes, your post does make sense. Thank-you for replying! It means a lot.

lastpointe: The dynamics with the band is part of the problem. I was friends with the other members of the band before I met them. We are good family friends. When I started dating him there was a bit of tension between him, a member and myself. Its really a long story, but I think what it comes down to is the band being worried that I will "steal him away" from their music, which is not at all my intention! Its hard when they can't understand that although the band is important to him he also chooses to share his time with me and that is his choice.

Education is both very important to both of us. I think this is what brings us together and keeps us sane. Instead of smothering each other we are able to support each other by showing interest in our educational goals. This is another way that I like the way he shows love for me. I think his education is more important to him right now than the band, and the opposite can be said for the other band members. This is another reason why its so hard. He is thinking long-term, with education and relationships and they are thinking short term.

I guess I will just have ot accept these changes for the better and wait and se what happens. If you don't mind me asking, how did you and your highschool sweetheart now husband make it through highschool, university and transion into marriage?

i think a list is a great idea, really... for you as well as him.

just do it right here on this thread... write down all the things he does or does not do that make you feel like he is not making your relationship a priority.   don't present it to him yet, just write it down here so we can go through it together... i think that once you actually start writing it down, you are going to find that 'the list' isn't really as long as you think it will be!!

also, try and point out the problem, and allow him to find the solution on his own as much as possible.  for example, rather than saying 'we should go to restaurant 'xyz' for supper once a week', simply say that you would like to have a date night with him once a week, and allow him to take you someplace.  HOWEVER, if there is something that you REALLY WANT TO DO, like a stroll along a beach or something, you'd better tell him directly... again, guys are not good at reading minds!!

as far as him feeling guilty???  tell him to get used to it.  he can't read your mind, and he obviously is having trouble setting boundaries for himself and sticking to them.  my husband has exactly the same problem - its just part of the human condition for them!!  my husband feels bad sometimes too that he is not able to see that i'm struggling until i grab him by the shoulders, look him in the eye and say 'HEY YOU!!  I AM STRUGGLING HERE!  HELP ME OUT NOW, WOULD YOU?!?!?'

for us, the biggest problem we had was that we fell in love when we were very young, and so as we grew, we found that our relationship HAD TO grow up as well.

when i was first with him, i was very dependent on him, for everything.  and man did that ever get to be a problem as we graduated from university with our degrees and entered the workforce... suddenly, he couldn't be there any time i needed a shoulder to cry on - he was at work 9-5, and i was a nurse doing shiftwork 24/7.  we struggled like crazy with that one... i had this idea that he should be just dropping everything if i had a bad day and come and cheer me up, whereas he had a professional job now, and that simply wasn't an option if he wanted to remain employed.

once we had kids, then that REALLY became an issue... i chose to stay home, and so i begrudged him going to work even more... HE got to go and talk to adults and go for lunch with adults and didn't have to have some kid clinging to him all the time, whereas I was stuck at home with no adult company changing diapers and wiping runny noses.  we had so many blow ups during that time i can't even remember them all.

the transition in our relationship FINALLY came when my husband had to take a job that required him to be away from home 6 weeks at a stretch, with 2 week breaks in between.  suddenly, i was THE ONLY CAREGIVER... if something was going to be done, i had to do it myself.  i remember one night where we were all sick... some kind of stomach bug.  i was vomiting, my kids were both vomiting, and i remember thinking how this was all HIS FAULT... HE should have been there to help us.  and i thought 'if i can get through THIS, i can do anything.' 

well, i got through it.  it wasn't pretty, but i did it.  and some switch was thrown inside my head, and our relationship practically LEPT to a higher level... my husband will still say that he felt like he was coming home to a different family after that night, and that our decision for him to go on that job probably saved our marriage.  i now know that i don't NEED him.  i choose to be with him because i love him, not because i can't be without him.  and he will tell you that my finally understanding that fact was like a HUGE weight off his shoulders.

at this point, i find that i quite enjoy having him go on 3-4 week business trips every so often... it allows me to get back into that grove, and reminds me that i'm strong enough to do this myself, and that i am married to this man because i choose to be.

Hi.  My hubby and I were part of the same crowd in Highschool.  I guess i met him when i was around 15.  We started dating in grade 13 when i was 17.  A typical hot and heavy teenage romance.

After graduation we ended up in different cities at school although i came home each weekend.  That was a pretty good thing I think in hindsight.  We each worked hard during the week at school and tried to have minimal work left over for the weekends.  Kept us both very organized.

On weekends we spent a lot of time together but again that was mainly limited to a movie Saturday night or whatever as he worked Friday eveing till 9ish and all day Saturday.

Often he woudl have dinner with my family Sunday evening and then drive me back to residence for some quiet talk time in the car.

Eventually I started working, I am also an RN like Sighs, whiel he did his MBA but we lived in the same city.  That time created an understanding for us of how our jobs were going to bump into each other a bit.  We both though used those times when one was at work and the other not for the necessary alone time that can be hard to find.

Once married I never felt a need to adjust.  He was my best friend .  I had shift work adn he worked long hours.  He was usually goen 6:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. but we knew that was life in the financial world.  He loved it and so we adjusted.  Kids came and we just worked everyone into the mix.

I can see the band issue you have outlined as being a bit of a problem.  But I think you need to let him figure that one out.  He needs to be the one who decides that the band takes a back seat.  If he does then most likely the band will drop him. 

Personnally, I would ride out the summer with jobs and dates and fun.  Summer is an unusual time for students.  Plans for next year.  Coping with sometimes very yucky jobs. being home agian with family can be stifling.

If he is spending time with the band it may be the last of it.  He may be feeling that it's his last chance for that life.

If I was you though, I wouldn't hit him up with a list of things i want him to change.  You can't change someone else.  You can only change yourself. 

If you want a certain type of date then organize it.

Call him up.  Ask him if he is free on a certain day and tell him to will pick him up/meet him at a spot and then organize it.  A walk along the beach adn a picnic or whatever.  Do it every week and he will soon see that you are putting effort into dates and will perhpas start to do the same.

Thanks for the advice! I think I may do that. I appreciate your offer to help me go through it aswell. I think it will also be useful just to get it all out and realize what I want.

This was really profound for me. Love is a choice, but not a chore; love is a journey. I guess I am making the choice to stay with him at the moment because I love being with him and spending time with him. I may not be happy all the time, but when I am I love to have someone to share my happiness with!

So true. I DON'T want to be a Yoko Ono! I would just hate for my friends (the other members of the band) to think that it was my fault, that I influenced my decision. Their has already been some tension among the band regarding old flames, responsibility and commitment. And they already think that the addition of me in this boy's life has caused this change.

I'm trying my best, to just stay out of it, remain supportive and confident in myself. Our happiness is different than the band's happiness.

Heres the list (that I'm not sure yet if I'm going to give it to him). And Sigh, you were right, it wasn't as long as I thought!

I wish you would:

-Text me just to say you're thinking of me

-Call when you want to hang out or have a conversation with me instead of texting, if you can

-Plan more activities

-Talk to me and hold me rather than just kiss me

-Take me out somewhere, like you're tkaing care of me

-Include me in your musical conversations

-Come to my performances, it shows that you support me creatively

-Write me love letters

-If you write a song about me, tell me so

-Surprise me with flowers

-Surprise visit me

-Surprise call me at work

-Make me something. Whether it ba food, art, music or something written

I realize the last few are kind of petty but a girl can dream right?!

You have issues with communication with this guy.

Just tell him that.  And then start calling him rather than texting him.  People text because it is convienient but it is cold and distant.  If he texts you just text back"call me when you have time" 

If you want to go out start planning no cost/inexpensive dates yourself.  Dont' be so passive. 

If you have a performance, invite him.  Check that it isn't overlapping his stuff and tell him you want him to come.  If you invite him, tell him you want him to come and he still doesn't then i think that tells you something about how much he values your musical talent.

love letters  ?  songs?  how many have you written him.? How often have you sent him a cute card in the mail.?  Is he the writting song/letter kind of guy.  If you see him daily he most likely figures he doesnt' need to write.  Guys are pretty practical sorts.

Never  ever have your boyfriend call you at work.  Myhusband never once called me at work.  I called my husband perhaps 6 times at work in the past 35 years of dating and marriage.  I never once called him at work when we were dating.  Work is work, socializing is not on the bosses dime.  And dont' ever call him when he is at work.  He isn't getting paid to chat.

Dont' ever visit him at work either.  If he works at a Starbucks, get your coffee somewhere else.......

Have you bought him flowers or some other gift he might like. What sorts of things have you made him. 

I think you sound like you are looking for your ideal of "Romance" and you don't seem to have it.  Decide if you like him for who he is or if you want to find someone who is all about big expressions of love.  Those showy things like flowers and notes and songs and gifts and surprises are not natural to everyone and would seem phoney and silly to lots of people

OH. MY. GOD. 

you would not BELIEVE how much this list sounds like what i would have said when we were in university!!!    the flowers, calls... i remember i asked my husband to make a card and write a poem for me once (he would always buy me those hallmark ones and just sign them), and him, being an engineer with nary a creative brain cell made this card for me.  it was on a sheet of graph paper, written in black and red pen... kind of a 'roses are red, violets are blue' thing.  but the best part was on the front of the card, he drew a great big eye, then a heart, and then a very stylized letter 'U'.  i still have it all these years later, to remind me that there is no way that i will ever be able to make this man a romantic poet!!   a few years ago, our son had to write me a poem as part of a 'mothers day' art project at school, and you can tell that his teacher told the class to write a poem.  and then had to explain why mothers should be important to the kids.  my son (who is like my husband in practically every way) wrote this...

mom -

you are important because i need you

i need you because you are important to me

you are important to me because you are someone who can't be replaced

you are my mom.

love, your son

every time i read it, i always hear him say 'now, can you make me some eggs for breakfast, please?' right at the end there...  thank you SO MUCH for allowing me this trip down memory lane... wow!!

ANYWAYS...

as i look down your list, it occurs to me that what you are looking for is for him to simply acknowledge you throughout the day... you are being very specific as to HOW HE SHOULD acknowledge that you are important to him, and based on my experience, you should allow him to come up with his own ways of acknowledging you.  my guess is that if you tell him to buy you flowers, for example, he will do just that.  however, if you tell him that you would like him to find a way to communicate to you that you are on his mind throughout the day, he will come up with a way to acknowledge you that will be very personal and unique... trust me, you don't want to get the 'engineering graph paper card'!!!  

the one that resonates the most for me is that one about wanting to be held rather than kissed... again, WOW.  did i ever deal with that one a lot!!  that one specifically speaks to the condition of men vs. women... men are very physical, and women are more mental and emotional.  this is a part of your relationship that will evolve and change over time... i don't know if you have ever heard the statement that men hit their sexual peak at like 18 or something, whereas women hit it in their early 30's... for us, we found that the roles evened out and reversed as time went on.  things will change in this department, and i think that you need to be very specific in what you want, and allow him to be very specific in what he wants as well. 

does any of that make any sense??

The thing is I do plan most of the dates. But there comes a point where you give, give, give and it would be nice if the other person would as well. Relationships are a two way street.

On this point I am more talking about birthdays, holidays. Events where you give gifts. Of course I don't expect him to shower me with gifts and write for me til the nth degree, I would just like him to know that to me, a homemade thoughful something is better than a store bought gift or smothering me with kisses. He has written a number of songs about me (because he is in a band) but never told me they were about me! It wasn't until well after they had been preformed that he said that he thought I would just know that they were about me.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend isn't your husband, so our situations are not totally alike, but you are probably right; mixing work and relationships can be a slippery slope. But since we both work in small, low-key offices I was thinking more of a call on our lunchs.

I know the the last things on the list are a bit sappy and more extras than real things I need to change about the relationship. Perhaps my problem is that a lot of these things I have on the list are things he has done, so I know that he can do them and because of this it seems like he's just getting lazy. Not that he's uncomfortable doing them or isn't a songwriter. Thank-you for all the suggestions. It helped me put things in perspective because I really do love him for who he is its just that the spark you feel in the "honeymoon phase" seems to be missings and there is no reason why we can't recreate it from time to time even for a short period.

This is so dear!

Thank God for that! We have discussed this before. It is something that we both need to work on, me included. Everytime we do discuss this we take a step back and do things that help us connect mentally and emotionally. Maybe its just time for another reminder?

Thanks for all your help! Specifically in your last post, the mention of "Love is a choice that you make every single day" really reasonated with me. But I had to discover and experience it for myself in order to truly know what you were talking about. I am much happier :)

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don't kid yourself here... there are days when love will be a chore.

honestly, there will be days when the easiest thing in the world would be to walk away from your marriage... the hard part is to stay, to turn back to your husband and say 'okay, lets sort this out and make it work.' 

if you are in it for the long haul, then expect that there are days, maybe even weeks where love is most definetly a chore.

Definately love is something you work at.  You decide that it is worth and then you go all out to keep it lively, fun, romantic.....

Sometimes that is a special dinner, sometimes it is a candle in the bedroom, or all the other things we do to make sure the other person knows they are loved, valued and adored.

My comments about calling at work are obviously ntorelated to lunch hour.

But I can tell you that when my I have been at work and my hubby too, there is always that person whose spouse calls all the time.  the little chats daily.

It gets noticed by bosses and coworkers and it is unprofessional, no matter how small your office.

On your own tiem, away from your desk, sure, but those emails and phone calls on company time are wrong.

and dont send emails on company time or equipement.  It just isn't professional.

i think its different for everyone, lastpointe...

my husband gives me a call at least once a day, we maybe talk for a minute or two.   it isn't a problem for him whatsoever.  he sends me emails all the time too, again, never been a problem.

these aren't long calls or emails, though... just 'hey, hows it going.  kids off to school??  good.  i should be home at the regular time... see you!!'

True but then he isn't a young kid starting out

 lindsayspark, from what I can gather from this thread, its sounds like your boyfriend is getting lazy in the relationship and/or taking you for granted.

Either way, its really important to address this early on.  It went on for years with my ex, until we split up.  How very refreshing it was later to be with someone who did not take me for granted, and would even do little things like help me bring in the groceries without being asked.

If it continues, it will only become habit and get worse.  Towards the end of my marriage I did an experiment where I began to stop doing everything to see whether he would start to pick up his share.  Well, he was completely lost!  He just didn't know what to do anymore.  His solution was to putter around and try to fix a door or something.  It never occurred to him to do his own laundry or help me with any of the many extra tasks I had to do while my Mom and Grandma were very ill.

For example, I came home from a long day at work on a Saturday, which he had off.   I had to do the grocery shopping, bring in the groceries myself (thru the snow which he had not cleared), put away the groceries, cook dinner, do dishes, feed the dog,  and go to the nursing home to see my Grandma, who I was responsible for because my Mom was terminally ill.  I was cooking a really easy dish which he knew how to cook as well.  To serve this dish hot, it was usually prepared in two portions for a dinner sized meal.  When he finished his first round, he looked at the stove, looked at me, got up saying "I'll let you finish", and went into the livingroom to read the paper!!  And he had been home all day sleeping on the couch!

Let me tell you, there were pots and pans flying and banging around that kitchen like a tornado hit!  He couldn't even be bothered to stay at the table while I finished the cooking, let alone help me with it.  That was about the last straw, and I told him that his behaviour was really bad.  I then began to withdraw my services.

I guess it was my own fault for spoiling him and doing so much over the years, but I'm a giver and he became a taker, because its just so easy for a lazy person.

Hopefully you can talk to your boyfriend about keeping things equal in the relationship, and as soon as you feel taken for granted, just let him know that.  At this early stage as a couple, he should learn to take that seriously, and you need to see action and effort on his part.

 Being taken for granted is a deal breaker for myself, and many others I know who ended up in divorce.

FYI, he was a lazy lover too, beware.

I have seen this sort of scenario many times, oui.  It is sad to watch it going on and slowly killing the narriage.

I know an old woman who eventually left her marriage.  He never helped, never did any of the daily, weekly, never ending work.  He became increasingly uncaring and ended up beating on her.

It didn't register on her for quite some time after leaving that they had both bought into the patterns they had grown up with.  Guy earns money, woman does everything else.   Guy is 'in charge', woman does whatever is needed to 'make' him happy.  When things proved to be 'less' than she needed emotionally she denied her instint to tell him that changes were needed.  She is now a feisty old lady, active, creative, cheerful, with many friends.  He has been through at least six 'relationships' and is now lonely and alone.

Genuine love is a miracle worker!  It unites the heart and brain and sense of rightness and brings much challenge and much joy when the challenges are met.

I'm sorry you had one of those 'lazy men' and hope your life grew in helpful directions after you split with him. 

Thanks!  Yes, my life & happiness improved immediately after the split.  I'm with the greatest guy in the world now, who also went thru being taken for granted by his ex wife.  So we are both very  sensitive to it, and work hard to stay away from doing it.