Hi PP:

I agree with your step-daughter. I think we are at our most vulnerable when we are angry. I certainly am. Luckily, I am not angry very often.

Not sure, Pilgrims, but I think that crying and anger represent different types of vulnerability.

And of course, crying and anger can occur at the same time. 

I think for me it is anger, because that is when I am most likely to say or do something I will regret later.

Being totally honest and open, allowing ourselves to cry in public, yes I agree, paradox3, definately another type of vulnerability.

when i my most vulnerable?

naturally, when i'm on the toilet...

You stole mine! I too hate being caught with my pants down.

I see that there is another example of vulnerability - when even the thought of vulnerability, sends you fleeing into humour.

On further reflection I'm opting for anger as a sign that you're most vulnerable.

When you're crying you can allow yourself to be comforted by another.

When you're angry not only do you not welcome comfort - your own behaviour is almost a guarantee that if won't be offered anyway.

You are in a state of alienation...........

My first response is "when I'm in love". Second thought, "when I'm drinking"  ................Chuckle Inanna and Chansen!..............Interesting advice there. I don't think I get angry very much, I don't generally feel justified. Another answer "when I don't feel able to say what I feel".

When I am tired out.  When I am feeling overwhelmed - too many things coming at me at once.  When I make a mistake and feel inadequate or guilty.  When I am sad.  When I am angry.  When I am in unfamiliar territory - strange place; unfamiliar situation.  When I sense a difference in the balance of power.

Often these feelings come in clusters.  And they are hard to sort out to decide which one is primary. 

I would put fear before anger.

Alone on a dark city street at night, in a skirt.

Thinking about this more, I feel more confident in my earlier answer.  It's when I'm afraid.  That often happens when something out of the blue happens, being groped in an unexpected area like transit or a social dance floor, hearing a loud bang in the middle of the night, someone trying my apartment door, even walking in to see Chemguy when he told me he was out of town.

Getting angry gives me some power back.  When I'm afraid and shocked, I freeze up.  Getting angry allows me to react and feel in control again.

Pilgrim, those situations are probably very different than the type of ones you're refering to, but I really just don't feel as vulenerable with those that I'm close to.  I still open myself up, but that feeling is never as bad.

another time i've felt quite vulnerable was during some psychedelic trip -- nothing like having one's ego stripped and shattered...

i've learned some 'techniques' from them as well -- they've helped me to stymie two extreme panic/anxiety episodes...

...for me ..... I am most vulnerable when I am required to defend who and what I am to family......

When you love someone it is very hard to defend yourself when you know that will hurt the person you love......

I have taken to speaking out very publically in the hopes that I may help spare some other family some of the agony that my family and I have had to go through.

I must say ...... quite a bit of the negative stigma has been the result of the negligence and willfull ignorance of the leadership of the denomination we had belonged to for years.

Regards

Rita

We have had some discussions on racism in the Australian media recently.

One of our football stars is of Aboriginal descent. At a recent game a thirteen years old girl called out to him from the crowd that he was an ape. He heard her and let her know that her behaviour was unacceptable.

He said it brought him back to his schooldays -when he'd been taunted by similar comments from other students. He felt unable to speak up for himself then - but he could now.

After that example of overt racism  - a sporting commentator made what, to him, was a joke that maybe this football star would be asked to do a promotion for the movie King Kong?

Predictably, and rightly, there has been a huge public outcry - leading to a general discussion on racism.

It made me think how racist, sexist, homophobic etc.  comments don't have to be outright aggressive - that "humour" is often used as, for example, "racism lite".

This begs the question when is it humour, and when is it not? Most humour seems to be at someone's expense, doesn't it?

Then the retort becomes, "I was just joking, you're being too sensitive."

I suppose, like the footballer, it would depend on how often you heard these comments -directed at you.

It does change the perspective, doesn't it?

I think humans, like other animals, are tribal and differences are noticed. Most of us like to think we're not racist because we believe in equal rights and opportunities.

But this incident in our media has made me admit that, particularly at the joking level - that, although no harm was intended - , I have been guilty of this type of racism in the past.

It gets back to vulnerability. Being different from those around us strikes at our vulnerability - and an awareness is needed when others are in this position.

(Or, as my Nana used to say,  "Don't criticise someone if you haven't walked in their shoes.")

It is always safe to joke at one's own expense. Maybe this is a good way to get rid of one's vulnerability as well?

Arm, I think we delude ourselves if we think we can get rid of our vulnerability like we do old clothes.

Everyone that I've got to know intimately (I don't just mean sexually) has had their areas of vulnerability.

It's led me to think that vulnerability is part of the human experience......

Perhaps by admitting to ourselves our own areas of vulnerability, we'll learn to be more accepting of other's vulnerabilities?

It's tough at times being human - I, for one, see that there is room for improvement in me being aware  - not only of the vulnerabilities of others, but through our shared sense of vulnerability, being more empathic.

Yeah PP I've noticed you're kind of hard on people. I, on the other hand, am always careful and considerate of the feelings of others.

Hi PP: Sorry, I forgot to put a wink behind my remark.

But I do think we'll be less vulnerable once we take ourselves less seriously.

What, with a barbed hook as an avatar?

qwerty, I'm having an unkind thought about you..........

The next time you go sailing and tack - just keep a sharp eye out for the boom.

Arm, I've learnt to my detriment that being light-hearted on social media without winking emoticons can get you into hot water.

But, no need for an apology, I'm an Aussie -not a Canuck, remember? 

I've given this one a lot of thought.  I'm at my most vulnerable when someone I love is suffering and I am powerless to change it.  

Yes, mists, I know that one........

I am at my most vulnerable....when I take down a barrier to the inner me, have gotten past the minor waltzing... because at that point, I presume you are doing the same.

I don't get the vulnerability / anger.

If I am truly anger, and yes I do get angry at times, my walls are up...you aren't moving into that space. I will psycho-analyze, over-analyze what you stated and couch my words very well to ensure they have most impact.  

I would say, when angry, it takes longer to get to solution, but, I wouldn't use the word vulnerable.

can you help me understand more about anger / vulnerability

I'll have a go........

You say "if I am truly angry my walls are up" - why the need for a wall -unless you are so vulnerable that you need a wall?

To me, vulnerability is about the distance between us and others.......

When we are sad, grieving, etc we can be comforted by others -we are open to hugs and displays of warmth.....

Not so when we are truly angry. Then it's impossible to be comforted by the other -we are locked in our own prison. (Forgetting for a moment that when we are confronted by another's anger, it's difficult to even feel affection for them!)

Conversely, we are at our least vulnerable when we are at our most open with others.

PP, the walls go up as heightened defence, I am not less vulnerable than I was the day before, just more protective.

Now, does that mean that I am less open to hugs or comfort?  hmmm..I think that I am open , I don't see the walls being a full circle....more just protective in the direction the slash back will occur.

When I act in anger, I tend to do or say things I later regret. So I try to cool my anger before I open my mouth or jump into action.

Anger, of course, has evolved for reason of self defense, to trigger the fight-or-flight response when we are threatened. In modern life, however, this is hardly ever the case, but the old animal response is still there.

When im angry.

Don't get angry! Just get ... um ...

(a) Empathetic?

(b) Sensitive?

(c) Loving?

(d) Vulnerable?

(e) Even!

(Choose one)

Okay will your choice make your macho drinking buddies spit out their beer laughing?  Wanna try again?

(a) works for me

qwerty,

You've given me a Hobson's choice.........

I'm supposed to say (e) Even, aren't I?

I would, but I'm much too nice - but, then again -with you - I might manage an "even".

(p.s. Arm in his overalls is a much nicer chap!)

Pilgrim Freud is attempting a diagnosis - qwerty is at his most vulnerable when he uses humour on serious topics to hide his vulnerability.

Am I even? 

Geez Pilgrim! I don't know.

Usually when I get angry I hurt someone's feelings.  Sometimes I feel bad afterward.  I guess that's a kind of vulnerability.

Anger......

We all have it, but how we express our anger differs.

Direct anger is hurtful and can be even frightening. But it's clear, direct -and, as such, I find it easier to deal with than passive- aggressive anger.

Now passive aggressive anger makes me really angry.

For a start it's as slippery as a wet fish, and difficult to handle.

Here's an example.....

When my Mum was angry with Dad, she would suddenly decide that the carpet needed vacuuming - particularly in that three feet in front of the television whilst Dad was watching his favourite football team play.

Dad, understanding from past behaviour that this was a signal that Mum was angry, would ask her what was wrong?

"Nothing" she would reply - in a manner that clearly stated that, indeed, it was something, not nothing.

This left Dad with no chance of resolving the conflict......

Even worse, are those folks that, when you ask them outright if they are upset with you, respond "No, you must be imagining it." - with just a trace of a self-satisfied smile.

Once again, no chance of resolving the conflict.......

I think that the key there is "overthinking". When we are angry, everything to us is a potential offensive remark, a personal attack that you must counter or risk being hurt further. Even things that would  not be on your radar become personal assaults on your being. It is when you are focused on those percieved attaks that real issues slip by.

At least, that's how it makes sense to me.

RobbieJean,  reflecting on when I'm angry, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head.......

It is invariably the result of taking what was said personally - and is felt as a personal put-down in some way.

If only my rational frontal cortex could overcome the influence of my emotional amygdala.

Yep, well said RobbieJean. I agree.

Hi PP:

Don't despair, it's a common problem. Almost everyone experiences it.

I think it always deserves to be delved into why one is angry.

Anger can fend off some of our more vulnerable feelings like helplessness, hurt, fear....
Anger usually means something is scary, upsetting, sad... and you are in fight or flight. It is a response to something else.

Some are very vulnerable when angry regardless of the anger motivation.They lash out or they have regrets.

Others are not especially vulnerable to such when angry.

Many folks don't know how to deal with anger, theirs or someone else's. 

It also is one emotion we don't tend to like to own or see displayed and so we may not know much about it.

That said, we can know the roots of our anger response and own our "stuff" and learn to deal with what underlies anger or even the anger response.... and so not feel specifically vulnerable in that emotion.

Our core vulnerabilities differ. Some dread being angry. Some dread crying. Some have as a core vulnerability shame or fear.

Where our core vulnerability is we will build our defenses and so our defenses differ, too.
 

What we dread differs and so what we are avoidant of differs. What we prefer to avoid will likely be where we are at our worst, least prepared, more reactive... when we cannot avoid it.

I would say most humans have fear or shame as a core vulnerability.