Feeling a little weak right now, lonely, like a failure. Can anybody help?

Elanor, there's something about mother daughter relationships that makes them more complicated than other family dynamics.  My mom tends to be critical of me, but I know she cares and wants the best for me.  Sometimes it's hard to see that in the moment though.

I find it does help to see the motivation behind the criticism.  Does your mom maybe just worry about whether or not you are, or will be, happy?  Unfortunately it sounds like you value different things which causes your mom to question your decisions even more.

Elanorgold . . . It is only your eye's and God's eyes that are important as to the determination of who and what you are.  My guess is, a failure is not what you are .  I'm sorry your mom has made you feel this way.

I would like to thank you for opening up my eyes as a parent of adult children.  I hope my words and actions do not make them feel badly about themselves.  As a parent I want the best for my children . . . and perhaps what I think is best for them at any given time, is not what they want, nor necessarily best for them at all.  You have reminded me of how much an impact my words can have on my children.  And of how important it is that my words convey acceptance, unconditional love, and are uplifting, positive, and encouraging.

Wishing you an abundance of hope, peace, joy, love . . . and may you know how wonderfully and specially made you are.

Hi Elanorgold:

Well, everyone has their opinion, or is entitled to their opinion.

If your mother has a low opinion of you, that is her problem and her doing, not yours. She, not you, is responsible for her judgements of you. You may have made some mistakes, and failed at this or that (everyone does, including your mother!) but this does not make you into a failure.

We learn from our mistakes; mistakes are a necessary part of the learning process and the creative process in particular. If we blindly obey what authority figures tell us, then we forsake our creativity. For an artist like you, it is especially important to remain creative and learn from your mistakes. And, in order to learn from your mistakes, you have to make them. Moreover, what your mother regards as mistakes may not be mistakes in your value system.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Cheer up and don't let your mother's poor opinion of you affect you. As I said, it's her problem, not yours.

My mother was pretty hard on my sister and I.  She had higher expectations of us, it seemed, than she did of our three brothers.  It's that complicated mother/daughter relationship chemgal mentioned.

When I was attending university, my first year marks weren't as high as my mother expected, and she let me know how disappointed she was and how embarrassing for her to have to tell her friends.  She seemed to be more worried about what others thought, than asking me why I was struggling at that time in my life.

When I did graduate though, with decent marks, she was there to brag......

She seemed to have mixed opinions about my teaching career, because I chose to live and work in a rural area rather than a city.

When I purchased my little hobby farm I was terrified to tell my parents because the house needed a lot of work.  They didn't come to visit until I made it much more presentable.

She was judgemental and opinionated about my sister's and my boyfriends and the men we married, although she actually got along well with my husband - he was able to charm her.

My mother wanted us to be friends but I could never trust that friendship because she could turn on us and be very critical.  Being sensitive was the issue for me.

My advice, Elanorgold, is to be true to yourself.  You know what makes you happy and fulfilled as a woman and person. 

Although I don't know you personally, the woman I experience on Wondercafe is wonderfully gifted and creative.  I expect that is the real you, and your talents are something to be proud of.

You are certainly not a failure...anything but.  The failure is in your mother's inability to recognize the terrific person who is her daughter.

If it's not constructive or well intentioned criticism, then I just just say thanks for sharing that, I think I'll pack that in a bag and take it out if ever I need it.....I have many packed bags that never get opened.

Re: mother-daughter relationships - How different than parent-son relationships. I'm wondering if (some but not all) sons tend to distance themselves more than daughters from their parents. I haven't "needed" my parents since I was 20, so if they want to continue contact with me, it definitely wouldn't be by maligning me. I just don't value their company (or advice) that much. And being 700km away means it takes a lot more effort to keep the lines of communication open. It has to be worth it if that much effort is needed.  Are we obliged to maintain contact with our parents if we don't get along? Sure, the 10 commandments tell us to respect our parents, but as in all relationships, surely that is a two-way street. To me that respect comes out of our generosity, not out of obligation.

Too often, parents see their children as an extension of themselves. That means that they don't see the difference between criticism that they would direct at themselves and criticism of their children. How different that is with a friend. If you cross the line with a friend, there is a chance that friend will never hear from you again.  It adds a measure of restraint (and I would contend, respect) to the relationship. But too many parents relish that feeling of power over their children and they don't want to give it up. So criticism can be just a way of feeling that they're still in control. Like letting you know (frequently) if you're in their will or not. So why can't parents be more like friends?  Maybe it would take too much work. Friendships, like memories, need to be constantly renewed if we want to be able to go back to them.

Of course, that makes me wonder what I can expect of my own children, now that they have (just) left the nest.  My wife gets upset if our daughter doesn't phone regularly, whereas she doesn't seem to get nearly as disturbed if our son doesn't call for months at a time. And when either of them has sometime to tell us, it's always to "Mom" and "Dad" is just an afterthought. Maybe they think that Dad is just to busy to care, the reality being that yes, Dad is busy, but not uncaring. And Dad would prefer the relationship be built on voluntarily sharing rather than obligation, so the thought of expecting regularly scheduled reports seems like such an intrusion on their lives. Getting to sound like that Harry Chapin song "I've grown up just like you Dad" (or some such title).

Wow, 6 replies in an hour and a half! You do care!

Post deleted later on. Thanks for all your help.

Elanorgold,
 

My mom and I had some issues, to put it mildly.

She needed me to call her and I needed space. It was strained. My mom tried to bring us closer by "mothering" which felt naggy and confrontational and disapproving... it felt like she never had a good thing to say. I rejected naggy and mothering and wanted space and then avoidance... and she tried harder to be "mother".
It was push me-pull me.

One day, my wife said, "What are you worried she will say or do if you ask her if she just called to __?" (criticize, insult, complain, nag)

Rejection. As much as I hated the nagging, I wanted my mother. I was seeking her approval and so she had a right to offer it or not offer it. I was on the floor and mad and sad that I was mistaken for a rug.

So, one day I asked, "Did you just call to insult me?" She said no and she hurried off the phone. It was the big day. We both changed. Both of us revert. It is habit and pattern.
Mom will say some times "you are a grown up"
Some times, I say, "mom, I was informing you not asking for your opinion."

Habits and patterns can be changed, regardless of the legacy, if people are willing.

Tea & chocolate & a big hug for you this afternoon Eleanorgold.  You have many good & wise friends here, as I see by the replies already offered - isn't this place wonderful sometimes?  You said how you felt, and what you wanted ... and look what good things happened. 

I totally agree with others who commented on the complexities of mother/child relationships - I definitely find it much more challenging myself, now that my 'kids' are in their 20s.  How to transition out of 'parenting' into adult-adult relationships is not an easy thing.   

Sometimes I don't mean to criticize, but it's heard in that way, which I feel sad about.  Words do have power, sometimes in unexpected ways.  And e-mail can be particulary difficult in that way.  So my suggestion - delete the message now if you haven't already.  Sometimes (speaking from own experience) we hang on to those critical messages, reading & re-reading them from time to time, keeping the hurt open & active.  Hitting the 'delete' key is rather like  waterfall's 'packing it in a bag'  & letting it go.   Tomorrow is a new day.   

I have a similar relationship with my mom, as you know I think from a past thread or two. I keep my mom at arms length these day too.  We do keep in touch, and I keep the calls fairly brief now, but the truth is we are different people and see things differently. She did almost exactly the same thing to me as your mom, mine with phone call expectations and the nagging and the constant criticism...whereby I felt like I couldn't be a "success" in her eyes no matter what! She just likes to criticise. She thinks it's her job, I guess. Thank God for my stepdad, who stepped in and had a chat with her about "backing off" a little. I love my mom, but she needs to respect my choices and that my partner and I have own own lives, and life together, to lead.

 There's some really good advice here...people are right, you are your own person and your priorities might be different from your mom's. That does not make you a failure! You're wonderul and kind and creative!

A big hug for you, pagan princess.......

Mother/daughter relationships have an intensity about them that is not like any other relationship.

How can it be otherwise? Our mothers were our first attachment figure -our first love affair.

Even if they didn't raise you. Adopted kids all over the world seek out their birth mother........

There was a time when our very lives literally depended on them. This gives them tremendous power in our eyes - a power that is still retained in our psyche.

My Mum is the sweetest little woman (she turned 87 yesterday) and yet she can  with even gentle criticism fill me with either guilt or hurt.

There have been times when she's rung me that, when I hear her critical comments, I say to myself "Pack your bags, I'm sending you on a guilt trip". 

There is a part of a mother (often unconcious) that wants her daughter to be a clone of her.

Same personality, same likes and dislikes, same ethics, etc............

Elanor, I sense that you are different in many ways to your Mum.

That is your right - we all have to live an authentic life to be fulfilled.

A word in defence of Mums - more than any other myth we cling to the myth that a mother has to be perfect.

It's not realistic - Mum's are like us, imperfect creatures just doing the best they can on the day...........

Elanor, if you are very different in your values and ideas to your Mum your relationship might work better if you work at keeping it light -sticking to safe areas of conversation and steering the conversation away from "problem" areas.

We were once joined to our mothers by an umbilical cord.

At birth it was literally cut - but, metaphorically, it never is..................

Finally, for all those sensitive possums out there, like Elanor and I, this has become my mantra -

That is very appropriate PP.  It is also what I did.  When it was obvious that no effort on my part was going to be pleasing to my mother - I left for a point very far away.  We occasionally wrote a meaningless note to the other to be polite.  For the most part though we just ignored each other. 

SG, "I was informing you" is a good attitude. Thanks.

Thanks Carolla. I deleted it right after replying to it, and the one that followed. I am holding off reading her next one til tomorrow probably. Yes, this is a wonderful place. "Ask and you shall receive"  : )

Aww thanks Kimmio : )

Thanks Pilgrim. That guilt trip thing is cute. Mom and I are different in several ways, but also have a lot in common. I definately don't want her out of my life.

Thank you everybody for being there for me. I am feeling much better now. : )

Elanorgold - you are a worthy and worthwhile person (no matter what your mother says).

I can definitely relate to what others on here have said. I long for a close and healthy relationship with my mother, but I have way to many trust issues with her for that to ever happen. I have found that I need to make a choice between my mother and my mental health. Keeping my mother at a difference has actually helped me take control of my life and my mental health.

How are you doing today, Elanorgold?

Elanorgold,

I learned that motives matter. My mom was not hating on me or trying to give me a low self esteem or damage me. She just worried and wanted the best for me and well she was pushy and went about it all wrong.

Me being clear (not only about my stand but also being her adult child and not reverting back to our earlier roles) and mirroring what I thought were her motives helped.

"Mom, I know you love me and worry, but I am an adult.."
"You have concerns and I hear you, but it is my wife and I's decision now that I am grown..."

I did not want to end my relationship with my mom but I wanted a healthy one that we both benefit from. It took me getting help, though I liked to blame it all on her, I reverted and gave her mixed signals .

She laughs because one of her favourite things to say to the smaller me was, "when you have your own job and pay your own bills then you can decide..."
So I ask devilishly, "Mom, do I have a job? Do I pay my own bills?"
 She laughs and says "point taken" or her preferred "damn, why did I say that so much?"

Hi Elanorgold,

About a year and a half back I had recommended to me a book called "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  It was one of the most helpful books I have ever read.  I think it could provide some help to you in this struggle.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Chuckle chuckle SG. Thanks.

Thanks Somegal.

Thanks for that Rev John, that does sound useful. I'll check my library. I appreciate your contributing.

.

I had an interesting relationship with my mother, that got way more interesting when I became her caregiver.

She's gone now, and I miss the constant criticism, although I wouldn't have guessed so at the time. It's been a long time now since anyone has told me that my hair looks a right mess, even though I'm quite sure it often does.

My daughter has clearly separated herself much more from me than has my son. She calls me when she needs to, which means calls are weeks or months apart; he calls me more or less daily as a ritual.  She is very like me in personality, he is less so.

Glad you seem to be doing a bit better today Elanor. The England move sounds really exciting...hey, Triscuit posted a job posting (CBC article) to work at Buckingham Palace on another thread! You interested? Just being silly (unless of course you want to---then hey, you can tell your mom "I work for the Royal Family!"...how many people can say that?)

Anything could happen!

Well Bette, Your hair looks a right mess! ; )  Just kidding. I imagine it to be quite impressive.

Hey Elanorgold . . . hope those lonely feelings, and other feelings are dissipating even more today.  Hope your weekend is bright!

I was trying my luck at bad humour...but seriously, I could see you in Buckingham Palace! I think it would be cool!

At her worst my mom is competative, violent, abusive, jealous, envious, and has at one point attempted to destroy every one of my friendships or relationships with healthy or powerful friends or boyfriends. 

She was at her worst through much of my life. 

Eventually, after I figured out that my death would only raise her up a rung on the social scale, I realized that I needed to quit being a daughter to my mother and begin to look at her as  an exotic interesting person that I knew.

Things began to change at that point.  My emotional distance became the absolute ingredient to being able to be in the same room with her.  Now, we can even hug and mean it from time to time.

Hi jlin,

Good to see you btw! You've been away for awhile.

I'm sorry that you've been through such hell with your mom. I like that perspective...of seeing her as an exotic interesting person. I admire that you're able to do that. I don't know myself quite how to dettach that much.

Actually, I would really love to work at Chatsworth House in Derbyshire, owned by the DUke and Duchess of Devonshire. I fell in love with the place last May. I uploaded my tourist footage of the place to Youtube. I'm thinking of posting that here if anyone's interested.

Beloved, Thank you. I get pangs of lonliness from time to time, but feel much less lonely now that so many folks have commented about my videos too, and to watch or not to watch. : )

Wow Jlin. That's tough. You've done well adopting that perspective. And I think often people need to look for other moms, a better mom, one of their own choosing, to serve as that figure in their lives, and direct them in the direction they wish to go. Or fathers for that matter.

Hi Eleanorgold;

I can empathize with a critical mother.  I never could do anything good enough for mine. When I was doing her housework in the the last year she was alive she couldtnt even say thank-you she just said that I took too long to vacuum.

My mother never once said that she loved me.  All I remember are her criticisms. 

What worked for me is if I was at her house and she started I left and went home.  I didn't fight.  If she was nagging on the phone I'd say I had another call when I really didn't and I didnt phone her back.  I think the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" works well.

My mother has been gone now for around 2.5 years.  Since that time I have come accross some items from her past that explained who she was.  My great grandmother (her grandmother) came to Canada and married a rich farmer with 8 kids.  He made it clear he didn't want her kids and they had to work hard on the farm.  My Grandpa was the youngest and never went to school.  He got married and he and my grandmother fought like cats and dogs.  Physically and verbally.  They picked their favourite kids and were quite abusive to the ones they didn't like.   She grew up in that type of household and brought her parenting and marital style over from that household.  This is how she was.  Our parents grew up during times of large families and their mothers not being able to leave very bad marriages.

For me I can forgive and forget and feel empathy for the little girl (my mom) whose parents were so intent on fighting each other they had no time to be parents to her. 

My only advice Eleanor is to not cut ties.  You will regret it.  We all need our moms.  Our moms are not perfect they are very human.  But you are an adult and you have the freedom not to listen to her criticims.  Use that freedom.

Thank you for these words, Serena, they spoke to me.

I agree with the words.

Recentl my niece complained about someone saying something unkind.

I responded with  "Sweetie - people say all sorts of things.  Sometimes they are true and worth taking note of.  Other times the person is just spewing and you can choose to ignore them."

Thanks Serena. I haven't ever seriously considdered cutting the ties fully, just giving myself some more leash, and buffing my armour, understanding where it comes from, like you did. Psychology can be a big help.

I didn't give myself permission to walk out on my mother until I was 34.  It helped me to finally stop fighting with her.  It took the wind out of her sails.   My cousin is going through the same thing with her mother (my aunt) right now.  My aunt was also a pawn in my grandparents fighting marriage and this is how she relates to her family.

Its unfortunate when the one we seek approval from tears us down.  But we must be able to love ourselves and not seek approval from our parents.  Its nice when that happens.  But the reality is a lot of us cant count on it.  What you said about buffing your armour is right on.  Also be smart.  Don;t share failures with your mother.  Mine would throw them back in my face and rub salt in the wounds when we were fighting.  If you take away their ammunition they have no arsenal to use against you.

It boggles my mind how adults can do this to their children.  My mother always said to me "I can't believe you graduated from College.  You are too stupid to be a teacher"  My aunt says to my cousin (her daughter)I cant believe you graduated from College you are too stupid to be a nurse"  I wonder what my grandmother said to my aunt and my mother?  Likely, something equally as hurtful. 

This is helpful for me as my eldest daughter is now a teenager and we have major hormones in our house.  Our youngest is pre-teen and just starting with this. 

I DO have to remember to pay attention to their self-incriminations and help them through them to a better place.  Still, it is hard when I am feeling that I can't trust my daughter's judgement.  It is still a safety issue.  My partner and I are afraid of her getting into a car she shouldn't be in etc. . . .

It must be scarey having teenage kids. I know I kept my mother up many nights. Once I came home by police car, after having crashed her car. Boys and booze and all that naive judgement, and desperate need for peer acceptance no matter the cost... Yup, lots of firey horemones, lots of mistakes.

That really sucks Serena.  You did good.

I have no comment except to say that I am finding this an interesting thread about how we relate to issues. I think that I will go to Wikipedia and see what it says about "issues" as I have only recently started to view disagreements from an issues perspective.

Your Mom actually wrote those things to you? Oh my. I can't even imagine what that must feel like. I am so sorry to hear it. You must know that whatever anyone else says to you, bad or good, that's a reflection of them, not of you. I don't really have a similar story. I can tell my Mom is disappointed with my lack of material success, but mostly I think she just worries about me. Of my sisters, my brother, and I, I'm the only one who really hasn't "made it" yet. I can't ever imagine her sending me an email or something though. I will say a prayer for you and your Mom tonight.

I know its difficult to deal with this but sometimes we fail a different things to figure out what we truly want in life. I mean how can you say you wouldn't like something when you've never tried it. You can never say you truly lived if you didn't mistakes along the way, its the part of being human. I know it's hard to deal with the critisms of parents, and I believe that she only wants the best for you and for you to reach your potential and someday exceed it! But in order to have that happen we need to learn from things other than our parents. We need to live our own lives and learn from our own mistakes. Travel to iffy places, fall in love with the wrong person, have our hearts broken, make a few wrong turns, but you always have to remember who you are and that you live and you learn, something you can share with others someday.