well you know darn right it ISN'T right to do it. Obviously he is a cad and only wanted what he could get. Some are real good actors too.OR  He may have said it out of intense feelings mistaken for love.  Either way, that's pretty crappy and hurtful.  I am sorry for what happened to you. If he is sexually active and not just 'dating' other girls I hope he is using condoms.

Keep your dignity no matter what. Chin up and don't let him see you suffer. Heck don't let him see you at all. 

 

If you love someone other than your self, you don't cheat: you don't even feel the inclination. Cheaters, in my experience, are emotional more than moral cot cases — and they can not be trusted in any way, in any capacity, ever. The moment some opportunity for ANY sort of gratification comes along, the self-obsessed opportunism will kick in and cheaters will compulsively go with it, even knowing they will hurt others and damage their own lives. It is like an addiction and maybe is an addiction … to the instant buzz, the frisson of the moment. I've had friends who had this addiction and most have become sad and lonely, and extremely boring, old men and women, bitter about the way others have treated them and still as self-obsessed as ever.

Give it away.

Commitment is very different it's an "addiction" to the growing, unfolding, living, emerging, surprising, delighting thing that happens within a relationship over time. It's being hooked on an unfolding story, but it's real and it matters wholly. It's what I thrill to every day in my relationship with a beautiful woman who was a fashion model when we met and is now my spiritual mentor and a minister as well as my best, most interesting and exciting friend (after 37 years). We both have changed considerably and it's been in response to each other. And our commitment to each other is much stronger than when we we far younger and more enflamed with passion. And we still surprise each other and still can make each other laugh. We are 'there' for each other, not because we grind our teeth and sacrifice our inclinations to some sense of "duty", but because that where we want and need to be. We are still interesting people, to each other anyway.

 Well said, Mike.

reply to Sparkle24:  I am sorry for your pain.  I know it really hurts, the betrayal.  There are biological reasons why men are statistically more likely to feel the temptation to cheat and to act on it.  Especially when they are young, they are more likely to succumb to temptation on account of immaturity.  After they've been betrayed themselves, they often grow up on that account.  There is no sure way of protecting yourself against betrayal.  However, these strategies will help:  1.  Don't be in a rush to get romantically involved.  Men need more time to become involved emotionally than they do sexually.  The same is not necessarily true for women.  2.  Look for signs of maturity, especially emotional maturity, before you get too close sexually.  Does he accept responsibility for his actions?  Can he take constructive criticism?  Does he keep his promises? Is he courteous to everyone?  Most importantly, what's he like when he's crossed?  Anyone can be nice when you're being nice to him.  When a person is clawed a little, then the real personality shows itself.  3.  Don't get paranoid.  If he says that he and another woman are just friends, it could be true.  Wait for signs that it's not before you confront him. 

50% of "I love you's" actually mean I am willing to say I love you but what I really want to do is to have sex with you and I am willing to lie to get it.

Austin has a point.  Learning to discover human nature, life is a lesson, full of risks.  If someone says "I love you"  I really want to hear it and believe it. Yet, I've learned that love can take only a moment.  It takes a lifetime to earn trust.  There will be another man who will come into your life.  Don't let this first guy destroy your quest for love.  However, take your time, and be careful.

 Fakirs made a good point in asking if the guy is courteous to everyone.  If you are out to dinner or whatever, how does he treat servers, the person at the counter etc? These little things tell you alot. ESPECIALLY when they don't know you're watching.

Some people have no real memory. When you are out of sight, they cannot really remember you. Some are so self centered that they are never really with anyone but themselves. Many are so spiritually shallow that their words have no real meaning. They are simply things they say to get what they want.

Don't go for looks, Look for depth.

 

One of the symptoms of a sociopath.

Whole lotta sociopaths out there.

If the words don't match the action it's not love. Don't listen so much. Observe.

It has been said that God gave men brains and male organs.  Unfortunately, they don't always work at the same time.  Blame it on the hormones (at least partially).

Haha great question. Let me know when you find out.

P.s. stoneeyeball, if every man could blame infidelity on hormones, then about every man would cheat. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating.

Is anybody else not picking up on the sexism? I'm sorry sparkle but just because one guy cheated on you doesn't mean we are all assholes.

Agreed killer. 

 

Be it resolved that all women are to clingy.

 

Doesn't that scream sexism and sheer stupidity?

 

Be it resolved that all men are assholes with dicks bigger than their heads.

 

Screams the same thing to me.

 

 

As-Salaamu Alaikum

-Omni

Women cheat a lot more than they admit too ...... men who cheat are obviously cheating with some gal who isn't faithful either so lets get the gals off the pedastal.

I love you is the easiest words to say and the hardest words to prove.

 

I assume he is about your age, and guys that age wanna have fun lots of fun and why have it with just one person ? girls want love and commitment at the age of 7 guys save that for later.

Why are you still with him after all this is the real question.

Maybe spend less time getting attached to one person and date and have some fun

 

Jesouhate, Simple math tells me that women cheat roughly as much as men.

Hello All......God bless you....

 

I believer the guy has some kind of past issues he needs to work on ...if he cheats it has nothing to do with you...it is him...he needs to find out why he cheats and face the problem head on....but there is nothing you can do except for prayer for him...

 

I believe a lot of us have serious issues to contend with and with decisions comes change....people do not like change....

 

But when I trust in God I know He will get me through all things of this world....

IJL:bg

i kno there is no excuse lol.. i mean if u wanna a relationship then be responible in it!

Well maybe this means he didn't want a relationship, that's obviously what yuo want, but isn't it obvious by his actions that your collective desires don't match up too well?

 

 

As-Salaamu Alaikum

-Omni

Sparkle, I'll start by saying that this is not intended to excuse the cheater at all.  Yes, he has deceived you and  betrayed your trust.  But why?  Because, as Mike points out, because he has no impulse control and because he thinks he can get away with this.

 

Again, not to excuse or belittle it, but compare it to a dieter who comes across a chocolate cake when no one is watching.  There are two kinds of people:  i) those who can control themselves; and ii) those who can't.  His cheating likely has nothing to do with you or the feelings he has for you.  It is all about his inability to control himself.  I don't expect you to feel too much better about him, but I think this way of looking at it should make you feel better about yourself (in case the cheating has effected your self-confidence).

Thank you Gilmore that was what I was trying to get across, you said it better.

 

As-Salaamu Alaikum

-Omni

If he does love you, maybe he feels that his love is not being returned.  I notice that you didn't say you love him. Maybe he sensed that you weren't really committed to the relationship and he's checking out the menu to see what else is appetizing should they be all out of "Sparkle 24."

 

Steve Savage "King of the Beasts"

http://sskotb.blogspot.com/

 

 

Depends what you mean by love!

There is an old saying that men play at love but want sex - and women play at sex and want love.

Once both sexes overcome that barrier then the relationship just might make it!!

I'll come out and say it, i have cheated on those i loved...

 

There is no excuse for it, no one to blame but myself and the consequences run quite deep. Where i was given love i turned a fall to lust..

 

It gave a moment of gratification but an eternity of tormentation. I tried blameing it on being drunk or high but truth is I was weak and gave into my weakness rather then trying to find strength in LOVE, i succombed to lust.

 

I think i cheated because i was weak, i hope in time i can redeem myself and conquer lust and temptaton. Its a battle that rages on in me, I believe that there will come a day when love will ultimetly win...

 

Thank you for lisening

 

Bless you

Very brave of you to make the admission, and moreso still to take responsibility for it.

Because guys do not think with their brain but use another organ sometimes to do their thinking.....

Whether, say, a man's actions (or thoughts) are considered "cheating" is inversely proportional to the possessiveness of the woman's "love", yes?

I don't want to assume that this guy is a total jerk because maybe he's actually a very good boyfriend but weak. I loved MikePaterson's post by the way. 

If you thought he was sincere and that his affair started recently, it might not be in his control because we are always changing. Just as our appearances change, our personalities and everything interior changes as well. The fact that couples that are 50 years in marriage can divorce proves this. 

I also enjoyed Ergo Ratio's post too. It is possible to still love a person even when you're not with them-- and even when they have turned to another! We all make mistakes and there's a possibility he doesn't know what he's doing. Those people who say, "If he loves you, he wouldn't cheat on you," should mind the people who say, "If you love him, you would respect his decision and let him go."

I would like to elaborate on your comment, jeshica. Yes, the two people in a relationship are always changing. That is why I think the goal of both individuals in a serious relationship should be to change together, to effectively share the same identity. It takes a certain mindfulness.

 

(I know this notion makes a lot of people in Western society cringe, but the goal itself is impossible in practice, so I don't see how it is incompatible with Western individualism.)

Hi, I'm Conrad and I'm new here!  Just joined this week!  Now as for the commonly-asked question "why do guys cheat when they say they love that person", while I can't speak for others, I can only voice my own true beliefs and feelings.  Firstly, I'm "old school" and still strongly believe in honesty and integrity.  I'm in a fourteen-year relationship and even after all this time, I still feel the honeymoon isn't over between my partner and myself.  Not once have I cheated nor have I even considered cheating otherwise what would be the point of wanting either a "relationship" of settling down with someone you wish to share you life with, right?  And as for the old adage of "hey if I cheat he or she will never know about it", the fact of the matter is how one feels about himself/herself and as for myself, I WOULD know and seeing that I have a concience, I wouldn't be true to myself nor to my partner.  Besides, in my situation, would I be so dumb as to throwing a 14-year relationship down the drain?  I don't think so.

In brief, it all depends on the maturity of a person, the age group that person belongs to and how he/she views certain values in life.  For someone like myself, my relationship is something I value and respect and the same goes with my life partner.  Prior to us meeting and falling in love, I had the chance to date, go out, and live it up.  That is why went I met my partner, I knew the time was right and I have no regrets whatsoever.  I can only wish and hope many others be as happy and in love as we both are!

 

[k so heres is deal i dated this guy for a while then he tells me he loves me and he means it then he goes and cheats on me with 3 other girls!! i mean what the point of saying i love you then?? why do people have to cheat?? is it really right to do??

[/quote]

I don't want to be mean about the subject, as I know it's pretty tender, but I'll be honest. Any guy that would do that is a bit of a twat. I mean, honestly. To first off, tell someone you love them, is a devotion and a vow, in my eyes. That being said, to cheat AT ALL on a person, even if "I love you" hasn't been said is still terrible. Now, to cheat when it IS said, and to cheat THREE times? That's terrible.

I know I can't speak for all guys, but that seems like a pretty cold thing to do. Personally, I know that guys don't always cheat. There's just the occasional few bad apples.

If having sex with another person is cheating, then would being in a threesome be considered cheating?

@ tionnas re "would being in a threesome be considered cheating?"

From whose perspective?  God's - or the people involved? 

The answer for the latter is 'no.'  A necessary element of 'cheating' in most situations, including that one, is deceit.

Heterosexual Men are not the only gender or orientation who cheat.



The point of saying I Love You is not understood by young people. Or, at least I don't.



People cheat because those who are monogamous think they can hog a person all to themselves, which makes them more attractive as 'forbidden fruit'.



The right thing to do would come in different flavours. If you wish not to be hurt again you might go polyamorous, which means you open your romantic heart to many people at once. You do not have to sleep with them all.



I am sorry to hear someone broke your trust.

There's an interesting article on this subject in the on-line version of the Utne Reader on this topic which has links to other articles and bits of information (click on the bolded, underlined title to go there) : The Strange Science of Sex and Cheating. The subject is not as simple as it is often presented. Human beings are complex and often aren't aware of why they/we do the things we do.

most boys at young ages, are told that girls are game pieces. And they are taught to keep score. In most cases a guys cheating has nothing to do with you. It is either an uncontrolled habit or his ignorance of caring or loving someone. its very important that a man is looking for the same thing your looking for. just saying I love you means nothing. find out if he is able to control his past behavior before you came along. get him to talk about it. you should also. if you both can come to agreement on that. theres a start. find out if his past behavior is an addiction or not. let him know that you have an expectation of him to be true to you. whatever you do. know that your worth it. never tolerate his cheating. its tough. but he will only do it over and over again. make him recognize your honesty and fidelity to him. expect the same. most men want to do right. but especially in these days. women are so seductive and easy. so men are really like the cat in a dairy. talk to him about the dangers of stds and let him know not to waste your time taking you for granted. try these things.. god bless you

@ tonton re "women are so seductive and easy."

What corner of the dark ages did you step out from?

 

Are you serious?

 

I can't speak for other men, but I know that most men I know were never raised to believe girls or women were game pieces and I'm almost 50 years old.  My 5 sisters and mother certainly never enforced that sort of attitude.  I am almost offended that you think that little of men, that we are so weak and manipulative, that we can be so easily seduced and unable to recognize both good and bad qualities in certain women.  I was raised to respect everyone and that disrespecting a woman was particularly vile and even other men would be disapproving.  Just as an example, a younger friend of mine was caught cheating on his girlfriend about a year ago and he was berated endlessly by his male friends for doing so.  Believe me, none of them high-fived him, congratulated him or tallied up his score.  We were disgusted.

 

Some men cheat.  Some don't.  Some women cheat.  Some don't.  We are often a very selfish species and sometimes selfishness is okay and sometimes it's not.  Sometimes we hurt others unintentionally, unable to control our basic, most intrinsic instincts and urges.  Maybe we've been tempted a thousand times and remained strong and slipped up once---not that that's an excuse, but it is a reality.  Sometimes there are other factors involved, some that people don't want to hear, and sometimes the event was nothing more than a physical response at a rare weak moment.  There are many reasons why people cheat, not just men, but women too and before we condemn one, we should take an honest look at ourselves, our own gender and try to understand human nature.  It might even be a good idea to question whether self-imposed monogamy was such a good idea in the first place.

@ way out there:  aww, and you were doing so great until the very end: : 

 "It might even be a good idea to question whether self-imposed monogamy was such a good idea in the first place."

Do you not see a fundamental contradiction in perspective between that and your claims of outrage when a friend cheated on a "girlfriend?"

 

Well, while my friend received a good dose of chastisement from his male friends for his infidelity, I was much less vocal than the others, not that I condoned what he did.  It also has to be questioned where that 'outrage' stemmed from: was it because we all knew both women involved; one being a good, caring, loyal, yet strong woman whom we all respected, the other being a nice girl, but with a well-earned reputation; was it an entirely genuine response to being unfaithful or merely a reaction to his timing (he was due to leave for a two-week vacation the next day and his girlfriend was at home in lingerie waiting to give him a special good-bye)?

 

To be fair to all sides, I question whether monogamy is natural to our species anyway as I personally don't think it is.  Throughout our history, we see countless instances of infidelity.  I think we set ourselves up with unrealistic expectations, personally.

 

The only reason I have been faithful when in relationships was because that was the agreement between us, but it was entirely self-imposed.

'kay two questions:  are you under 30?  and, are you okay with your wife being unfaithful to you, presuming you had, have or will have one?

 

Well, as I mentioned above, I'm almost 50 and, yes, if my wife (though not married anymore and doubt I ever will be again) ever felt she wasn't getting everything she needed from me, I would be okay with her being with someone else.  I'd want her to be happy.  I'm neither so vain nor dillusional that I think I could be everything any woman would ever want.

 

I don't like the term 'unfaithful.'  It has religious connotations that I don't subscribe to. My faith or lack of it has nothing to do with any commitment I might make.  My word does though.

There is an old song from teh 70's about love.

 

Each verse says "i love" you and it means different things.  The tenn means  " can i make love with you"   the older guy menas" will you marry me"   the next older guy means " will you care for me"........  I am drawing a blank at the song and the actual words but the idea is

 

I love you   does not mean the same thing to all of us. 

 

To some it means a pleedge, a devotion and commitment.

 

To others it is an expression of the moment.

 

If you are looking for monogamy and he is not giving it, move on.

thanks for your gracious responses to my inquisitiveness, Way Out There.

 

I think the song you're refering to is 'As The Years Go By,' by Mashmakan out of Montreal.  The song is one of my favourites from 1970 with a snappy 2/4 rhythm and a memorable Hammond B3 organ.  The band featured future April Wine drummer Jerry Mercer, by the way:

 

A child asks his mother, do you love me
And it really means, will you protect me
His mother answers him, I love you
And it really means, you've been a good boy

And as the years go by
True love will never die

At seventeen a girl says, do you love me
And it really means, will you respect me
The teenage boy answers, I love you
But it really means, can I make love to you

And as the years go by
True love will never die

I will love you forever
I will love you forever

At sixty-five his wife says, do you love me
And it means, I'd like to hear it again
Her husband says to her, I love you
But it really means, I love you till the end

And as the years go by
True love will never die

Now you're asking me if I love you
And it really means will I marry you
And I answer, yes I love you
But it really means that I won't be untrue

And as the years go by
True love will never die

I will love you forever
I will love you forever

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sq8VLC6vLLE

 It ain't cheating unless you are married.

sorry folks, unless your married.

unless you have made that promice that it is forever.

then it's temporary anyway.

 

cheers

JH

"Marriage" is an instituion... a club. It's not even very old all things considered. Are you trying to tell me that the coupling and commitments that take place between two adults outside of your club are somehow less? 

Thanks Way out there,

 

That is the song.  I was singing alone as I read the words.  I too lilked that song alot and while it is just a pop song I think it clearly illustrates that "I Love you" has many meanings

 

didn't know it was from a Montreal Band

 

I'm a bit of a musicologist and as soon as I strated reading your post, I immediately recognized the song.  Believe it or not, it was written as a novelty song and ended up being a rather definitive song about what we mean when we say 'I love you.'  It sold 500,000 copies in North America.