I think you've just written a really good one. Forums are good for that. I've written the odd email one, and far more of them on paper that I never sent. Sometimes, I find just doing that is enough to make me feel I've gotten something out, then later I might write or say something lesser, less hurtful or dangerous to the person, or I may find I don't need to say anything.

Best is to write the letter, then sleep on it, and read it again the next day, and the day after that, to decide if it should be sent/given, and if you still feel the same and still feel it needs to be said.

Often, I think, if you can't say it in real life, it maybe shouldn't be said.

Haha thanks Elanor. It was more of an essay to do with a letter.

 In case it wasn't picked up on, (wink wink)  I have known a lot of arrogant, rude, know it all people in my time. Many of which have been in-laws. I love them but man they drive me  nuts! The power of the pen (or keyboard) is a mighty thing.

There's that line between sitting on it and letting it gain perspective and clarity (Hindsight is always 20/20) or sitting on it too long and having it fester.

Sometimes you do a person and yourself a disservice by NOT telling them where they were out of line.  

My sister in law and I had a breach of relationship for a year and a half and we are finally getting back on speaking terms.   I noticed that after giving her both barrels via one of t hese letters, the one that caused the rupture, she is more careful in how she speaks to me; more respectful.  Whether we ever gain any warmth in our relationship time will tell but now she knows that I will not allow her to speak to me like I am an imbecile.

Sometimes you have to break what is poorly made in order for it to be remade properly.  And if it can't be remade properly then it must be the building materials are lacking. 

About the saying in real life, that is reserved for those who are well mannered enough to listen and not talk over you or interrupt.

In the words of Forrest Gump:  "And that's all I have to say about that."   

Thanks for 'listening!'

I have written emails. 

I find that I generally sit on them for a day, and if work, run them past my manager or other person who i consider one of my "lightbulbs".   If they concur the content is valid, and if I feel the emotion is removed, I then send.

Generally, they are of the type "the emporer has no clothes" or "this is a problem within your organization that is impacted us in this way".  I have found that in most cases it has helped to rectify a situation, though, sometimes with uncomfortable times.  In the cases where it didn't help, it didn't hurt either. The team denied the issue.  That is their call.  At some point, when and if they agree, they will remember that I tried to give them a heads up.  In all cases, I have tried to work through standard channels and deal directly with the person. 

Now, with family, it is very different.  I have not found a way to dea with stuff.  We are still dealing with the fallout of a simple email sent  5? years ago.  Why?  Because there were issues going back 30 years which that email were the trigger to bringing to light / naming.  It's complicated when we avoid stuff...and it's more complicated when we eventually name it.

Many years ago I wrote a letter to a member of my family who I felt had hurt me.  I sat on it for awhile, at least a week or so.  I had typed it on my computer.  I can't remember why, but for some reason I decided at that time not to send it (was going to email it).

Several weeks down the road I read the letter once again.  I was so thankful I hadn't sent it!  I was so thankful I even deleted it totally off my computer in case it accidentally got sent or seen in some unknown way.

While the words and the feelings in the letter might have been true at the time, and even true today, I felt/feel that had I sent it, it could have severely damaged this particular relationship.  To this day, I am so thankful I didn't send it.  This is something I refer back to my mind in many different occasions over the last few years.

One difference between speaking to a person and sending a letter is that when we speak words they are spoken, heard, and gone, except for what is left in a person's memory.  A letter can be there forever, should the person choose to keep it.

I realize that there are times when people need to "say" either in words or a letter something to someone in order to heal themselves, they need to tell someone something that will make a positive, healing difference in their lives.  I think words or letters such as these require time and much thought.

Hello trishcut.....

Letters are a wonderful way of expressing our heart.

When I have an emotional issue I find that I often get all fumblemouthed when trying to express my feelings in person.    And then there is the feedback and questions before I am done trying to say what I want to say and it gets all mixed up.

....

I find that just the act of writing the letter really helps me clarify my thoughts and more important clarify and calm my emotions and attitudes.

....

I will use a letter (private ...just for me .... never to send) as a vehicle to vent and express my hurt and frustrations, yucky attitudes, and a myriad of other things.   Once laid out I can let the immediate emotions subside and then I can view them with a more balanced heart.    Here is my space to just let it out and then take a breath and step back so I can sort it out.   Here is where I can see where my reactions and notions may not be the best and have a chance to work on them first.   Here again is a chance for me to put myself in the shoes of the other person and try to imagine how my words might be misinterpreted.   After all ... what I meant to say and what I actually said may not be the same.

....

Now for the letter to be sent to the other person.... There is the difficult one but again so very useful.    Once I have settled my heart as best I can I begin.   I try to set an atmosphere where the person is most likely to listen and that I specifically ask for.   Then I try to express my feelings in as non threatening way as I can.   I try to address the objections that they might have as factually as I can.   There is so much that goes into all of this .... so much heart.   To me.... if I am not writing fom the heart I might as well not write it at all.   This requires lots of editing and lots of personal examination.    Here is where a person outside the issue is a big help.   That outside person can help give feedback on how the letter might be taken.   Right now I happen to have a letter that has been over a year in the writing process.   I have yet to get my heart to the right place to express myself the way I need to.

.....

Letters are indeed useful and are a wonderful way to present a sensitive issue when done right.   I feel that there are issues that deserve the time and care that a well crafted letter takes.

.....

Just my thoughts.....

Rita

I have never had much luck with letters.  In fact, I have had so little luck I have developed a superstitious "tic" about it.  I just don't write letters or e-mails to try to explain difficult things.

This is just me and my superstitious problem.  Others may have different experiences.  Perhaps I just wrote bad letters.   (One of my best friends from decades back also found the same thing).

Writing them and "sitting on them" for a while, as some others have suggested above is good suggestion.  I never tried that.  

I've only written two letters in my life when a serious disagreement caused the break-up of a relationship.

With hindsight, it wasn't so much the disagreement itself - but the emotions that the disagreement provoked. (It usually is - anger often hides hurt feelings.)

One letter was to my best friend of many years.

After about a month of "not speaking" I realised how much I missed her in my life. We're different in many ways - but she has the quality I admire most in a relationship - authenticity.

To me, an authentic friend is as comfortable as an old slipper.

She is one woman I can talk openly about ANY subject. We even discussed occasional problems in our respective marriages - knowing that we both loved our husbands and were just letting off steam......

As the anger and hurt emotions subsided, I became aware of other emotions.......

No more would we laugh over some disastrous "double-dates" we went on as teen-agers, no more would she ring me up and  say, "I'm feeling down, can we go out to lunch?" or,
"Are you okay, your voice has got that shaky sound?". 

The little voice inside said, "I miss her, and want her back in my life".

But how?

She may be my best friend, but like me, she's not perfect.

She's stubborn - and I knew there was no way she'd contact me. (She had a disagreement with her sister, and didn't talk for years).......

Soooo,

I wrote to her.

I didn't even mention the disagreement - except to say that I regretted it occurred.

I didn't apologize, because that would be dishonest.

I simply said how much I valued her friendship and that I missed her in my life.

Could we put our disagreement behind us, because, although I had other friends and would probably make others over the course of my life, she was irreplaceable to me?

She rang me - and with both of us in tears, we vowed that we would never let a disagreement end our relationship....

And yes, she's still my best friend........

To conclude, writing a letter can be extremely beneficial -if it's to maintain a relationship.

It gives the recipient time to consider - rather than just react. This invariably leads to a better outcome.

Generally, it's not good to write when you're still feeling emotional and hurt.

To get beyond the hurt/emotional stage you have to be prepared to go beyond seeing yourself as the heroine in the story.

By that I mean, asking yourself some tough questions.

Did I over-react? 

Was I upset by someone else close to me acting in a similar way?

Am I perhaps too sensitive to criticism generally?

It's easy to point an accusing finger at the other.

As my Nana used to say, "God made the middle finger the longest - so you could point it back at yourself.................

Also, we have to own our hurt feelings. 

I haven't found it particularly helpful to bring them to the other's attention.

At worst it escalates the conflict, and at best it makes them wary - and it's hard going trying to talk to another if you, and they, have to monitor everything you both say....... (kiss of death for an authentic, close relationship!) 

We all encounter "difficult" people in our lives (and sometimes that's us!).

What works best for me with these folks is to keep the conversation general and impersonal - even if they're relatives.

If it's a close relative this can be difficult - especially when there's love involved.

But, the truth is that sometimes we just have to give up the dream of a close relationship with a "good" parent and a "good" sibling..............

It ain't gunna happen !

I have never written a 'let it all hang out' letter and shared it with the other person.  However, I have written many letters of that type as a way of expressing my feelings.  Sometimes just the act of writing releases feelings I wasn't actually aware of!

Letters of this type that require some level of forgiveness on my part I burn ritually and let the anger/sorrow/or whatever go up in smoke.

I appreciate the wisdom of folk above.

I wonder, have you encountered a letter that someone has written to someone else?  I was surprised to find a copy of a letter in some paperwork that I had to go thruogh regarding an estate...and that it was held in their official papers.  Disappointed.  Frustrated.  Sad.   all emotions that I encountered as I realized how much effort they had put into their anger with the other person.

Pilgrims:  so glad to hear it worked out well for you.

The letters I wrote were not raging insults to anyone, it was not like that.  Nor were the people even that close to me. But they still did not have their intended effect.   So if I want to say something, I say it directly.

If angry with someone, I might tell them so, but not hold grudges.

.

Pinga, I would never leave a letter like that around.  In fact, I won't even keep a diary.  I would be afraid I might get killed suddenly in a car accident or something and my family would find it. 

Sometimes a letter is in order to 'set the  record, or facts, straight.'  Or to correct a person's wrongthinking on a matter.

The other day my daughter got the rough side of her grandma's tongue. She (daughter) was offered a kiwi fruit and said she couldn't because she was a bit allergic and it irritated her lips. This is a common thing with kiwi allergy or sensitivity. 

Grandma said something to the effect of  "Where do you come up with this stuff?" With all the scorn she could muster. She said other stuff but I am not sure what, one of her usual mini rants to do with our parenting and letting her get away with being fussy, and whatnot.

She thought my daughter had imagined or percieved herself as having the allergy. My daughter's feelings were hurt but she hid it because she knew that speaking out would have incurred more scorn.

She is a very truthful person and when someone says something like that it is an attack on your very character and honor.  Once upon a time a man could have been 'called out' on something like that, for a duel. However calling Grandma out just isn't done nowadays.

So I contacted Grandma via email (she is the interrupting sort) and set the facts straight. YES Emily and Faith are sensitive/allergic to Kiwis.  NO Emily is not the type to 'come up' with this kind of thing.  If she doesn't LIKE a food she says so. She loves kiwis and is actually saddened by this recent allergic development.  And her feelings were hurt by the attitude in which it was recieved. I also reminded Grandma that it would hurt her feelings too, to say something in all truth and have people tell you "It's all in your head". And that when someone makes up their mind not to believe you there isn't much you can do, as she would know from her own experiences of late. 

There was no nastiness, just a setting the record straight.  I don't think she has read her emails  yet.   If she exercises wisdom and clarity I am hoping she won't be angry but rather feel a bit chastened?  

The book of Proverbs in the bible has much to day on rebuking and the wisdom of listening to a rebuke provided it is properly given. (Just the facts Ma'am)

The one to my sister in law a couple years ago, well that was a bit more emotional. It was ten years bottled into one letter and a whole different story.

There are times when an overreaction will be done regardless if it is spoken or written.

I had a family member quit talking to me for multiple years due to something that I said.

That same family member quit speaking and caused a huge disruption due to a minor thing that was written by someone else to her, who chose writing due to what had happened when i spoke.  The idea being that with written there would be no misunderstanding.

Looking back, the person we were speaking or writing to had a history of issues..and there is now a recognition of an underlying mental health issue.

I share that, as sometimes, it doesn't matter what avenue you use.  Youc an ignore something...it will be ugly.  You can name it verbally, it will be ugly. You can write it..it will be ugly.   You choose which way you can live with it.  

That is also a very good point. Darned if you do, darned if you don't huh?

Something I was reminded of the other day was that in written word (letter, card, email, text) etc. we can lose a lot of the meaning compared to the spoken word because a large amount of our communication and what we mean comes from the tone of our voice, syntax, body guestures, etc.  I'm not against the written word - I use it quite often to encourage, uplift, and tell people how much they mean to me - but I think we have to be careful with all our written words-that they fully express what we are meaning to say.

I will occasionally delete my posts here, just because I don't want them hanging around forever. I'd like a degree of said and gone. SO if you notice that, that's probly why.

Good job Trish, writting to Grandma. I like your rebuking.

actually ( insert sheepish grin here) I went into her email because I helped her reset a new password and therefor KNEW her password. I found the message and deleted it.  I had lunch there today and mentioned it to my sister in law who was at the same table, and she said it was like strawberries, the tendency to sensitivity.

We are all wondering if while sucking the 'meat' out of the slices, their lips scraped the skin a bit. I shall have to peel a kiwi and try it that way.

But yes, the purpose of rebuking with facts still stands in my books.

Well, whatever works. You wanna be honest, fer sure. Human relations are a complicated gig. Sword safely in it's scabbard, but at the hip, and at the ready.

nice metaphor.

I have recently had to send emails to my manager and Human Resources since they are trying to eliminate my job without letting me go with severence. In short, they want me to quit because of the expense involved in just terminating me. This is hard for them since there are no reasons around my performance etc. 

I have written quite a few emails summarizing each step they  have taken with me and asking for clarification and correction. (ie This is how I understand the communication and what was put forward).

They've tripped over themselves a few times, but I've been consistently civil and impartial. 

I correspond with them only by email now and will no longer have private discussions with them since I want to document everything for legal reasons.

I await the next move. It's like a chess game, but extremely stressful.

No, I can't unload my feelings with them though, nor would I want to in this case.

I have written the "unsent letter" many times. Once or twice though, I sent it and then felt awful. It is so permanent and impossible to take back. As has been mentioned, your feeling might change later.

ninjafaery, sorry that you are going through this

Thanks. This is when I have to trot out all the encouraging cliche's like "When a door closes and window opens" -- things like that.

ninjafaery - sorry you are going through this stressful time . . . if the door does close I hope the window opens soon!

Thank you Beloved.

@ pilgrims progress                this is helpful

deleted, duplicate

Ninjafaery,

I too am sorry for what you are going through. However, doing it all by email so you have everything in 'hard copy' is very wise.