A comforting bump.

Tigerlilly2.

Hi,

You wrote:

I'm new to church and I don't really know any prayers.

Then don't send one.

Be one.

Your friend would likely recieve with thanksgiving any prayer we could pass along through you but what your friend will need most of in this time is someone who is there for her.

Let her know you are prepared to be that person. If you are so prepared.

Let her know that you are thinking of her and that you will pray as best as you are able for her and her needs.

If you can physically be present then by all means do that.

Do not try to answer "why?"

Do not try to convince her that all is going according to plan.

Let her set the agenda and let her move it along.

Grace and peace to you.

John

Thanks Revjohn - that's really good advice.

It's funny how we have different areas in life that we feel comfortable with. Because of my own experiences with illness I feel quite comfortable being there for friends who are ill. I have a sense of what to do and what not to do. But when it comes to death I just seem to choke. Not because I don't care. Really it's because I care so much that I'm scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. I overthink things and get tied up in knots.

My friend lives very far away right now. That's hard. I would like to pack up and fly down to be with her for a while, but I'm not well enough to travel. So maybe I could be with her by phone - by phoning each week to check in with her. Just being her friend and listening.

I appreciate your advice about not suggesting reasons "why" and not suggesting that things are going as planned. Those are tough and personal questions - ones that she may struggle with herself and never quite know the answer to.

I echo RevJohn's advice - since you can't travel at the moment calling her as often as you feel led to will certainly help

Sending her little greetings will also help - if she has a computer send her an electronic card - there are several sites that have these -

Just being there for her when she needs you is the most important gift you can give her.

Tigerlilly2

I'm a bit like you. I don't know what to say either. I have felt I've said the wrong things and messed up royally. You know us women want to "fix things " and make it all better. I'm sure she will feel your love, your concern, your healing energy as you just listen or write to her. Being spiritual she'll receive strength and courage from God, hopefully amazing grace which is a kind of peace or acceptance that will be with her . Here are a few poems if one may be suitable. You can google "sympathy poems, comfort prayers, or condolence messages". The net also has a wide range of info. on how to handle grief and how to help people. Google: "grief counselling" or dealing with grief. Its good for our own education.

The Memorial Angel

In Memory

You didn't know the tears you cried
fell to rest on angel's wings,
Bonding earthly sorrow with the joy
that Heaven's promise brings.

The angel carries forth two tears
and will not let them part,
Forever they are joined as one
They blend to form one heart.

A memory of your dear love gone
A promise of good things to come.
One tear is sorrow for your pain
One tear is joy for Heaven's gain.

May you find comfort knowing God's promises never fail.

(see next post)

She is Gone

I am standing on the sea shore.
A ship spreads her white sails
to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.
She is an object of beauty
and I stand watching her
till at last she fades from the horizon,
and someone at my side says,
"She is gone."

Gone where?
Gone from my sight, that is all.
The loss of sight is in me, not in her;
and just at the moment when someone says,
"She is gone,"
there are others who are watching her coming.

Other voices take up the glad shout,
"There she comes,"
and that is dying.

......................................................................................................................

If we did not go to sleep at night,
We'd never awaken to see the light
Or meet the dawn by some quiet lake
With the joy of watching a new day break -
And death, too is a time of sleeping,
For those who are gone are in God's keeping -
There is a sunrise for each soul,
For life - not death- is God's promised goal.
So trust God's promise and doubt Him never,
For only through death can we live forever!

Helen Steiner Rice
.....................................................................................................................

(And a poem for us ourselves to think about. Every person is different. Some like to talk and some don't)

Go ahead and mention my loved one,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending they didn't exist,
I'd rather you mention my loved one
Knowing that they have been missed.

You asked me how I was doing
I say "pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Elizabeth Dent

Tigerlily -- you mentioned that you felt that you can deal with illness, but death leaves you feeling helpless. My experience of loss (for those of us who are survivors) is very similar metaphorically to sustaining a serious injury, and that it will take a very long time to feel better, and maybe will create a lifelong disability.
We don't pretend it doesn't have a huge impact. We assume that healing will take place in time, but don't expect a quick recovery. People who have been hurt want to talk about it sometimes. Want to feel ok about talking -- no blank platitudes. Want to talk about their loved one and hear how you remember them and how they were. Making a space for this will help the painful process.
My best prayer (a solitary one):
"Oh God, make small the star-eaten blanket of the sky, that I might wrap it 'round me and in comfort lie."
Blessings

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the time that you took to respond. Your thoughts and prayers are really helpful.

I appreciate hearing that the needs of people who are ill, and the needs of people who have experienced the death of loved one may be similar in some ways. It helps to think of things that way.

I guess I need to mention that I didn't write my prayer. I can't remember who did, but if anyone knows, please tell me.

Rickie Lee Jones has an excellent new album called "the sermon on exposition boulevard" which is her response to the words of Jesus. spirituallly astute, in a folk-jazz , but not churchy. This is her song on the Lord's Prayer.

Where I like it best

I wanted to pray
I wanted to let you go on your way
I wanted to know why they laid there
Dying in the streets next to the restaurant
Where people were eating and yes
I wanted to pray

How do you pray in a world like this
You know, I see the people on TV
And they close their eyes and they bow their heads
And they say "Let us pray"
And it feels so cold and meaningless
And I wanted to pray
And I said
Tell me father
Tell me mother
Heavenly mother
And they said

When you pray
Pray alone by yourself
In the secret room of your heart
Don't go out into the church filled with people and pray
God hears every secret that you say
See all those people praying on TV and the churches
They like to make a big parade out of what they're doing
They think God hears them louder if they say it
Over and over and over and over and over again

But I say, God, but I say this
You are the prayer
Your eyes are the prayer
Your hand on your cheek
You are the prayer
Those words you want to speak
They are the prayer
That dance you make
When you're by yourself
Just before your mother calls you on the phone
You are the prayer
I tell you what
You gotta take it back from them
Because the prayers belong to you
All you gotta do is say hey hey
I'm down here too, I'm down here too
I'm down here too
And I hear you in the trees
And I hear you
And I'm near you
I wonder why there's so much suffering

I want to say thank you, thank you
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
I wanted to say thank you, thank you
I wanted to say
I wanted to say
You are where I like it best
You are where I like it best
You are where I like it best

That's the Lords' prayer
"You are where I want to be"
So, amen, just amen
Amen, all by myself, amen, amen
I'm so lonely, just amen
And I'm rising, rising, just amen
You can look through my eyes
Hear through my hear
Look through my eyes

Thanks RevJames. As someone who is new to church the idea of prayer is kind of hard to get my mind around. So I always appreciate seeing things from a different perspective.

Stardust - I forgot to say thank you for understanding my difficulty with wanting to "get it right". I think we really do want to fix things sometimes. It's good to know that being there for her will be OK.

ninjafaery - that's a beautiful prayer

Tigerlilly2

You're welcome. I'm not much good at dealing with death. I think its some horrible thing no matter the promises of the afterlife. I see the suffering and loneliness of elderly people after they lose their life partner. They simply exist and lose the will to live sometimes. All I can say to them is: "You're here for a reason."

You know my beliefs are in shades of grey. I've never found Christianity to be a great help in dealing with death. I prefer to toss in the idea of reincarnation and karma meaning I'm or we're here on a journey that makes sense and to learn lessons to help perfect us in love. Its complicated! It could be that we choose our own birth and our own death. This makes me feel better even if its a fantasy. What is truth? Does anyone know?

So...it was time for your friend's husband to move on but she hasn't completed her life's journey. One door closes; another door opens. She has lots more to do yet. She's valued and needed perhaps as an example for others, a teacher. After a period of grieving she can move forward once again possibly into higher heights than before. This is where its at in my view.

I don't like the old cliche: "The Lord took him. The Lord called him home. His time was up". That's simply not true. We can take this attitude away and simply say we are physical beings subject to diseases and illness; the laws of nature. I do believe in God but He's rather different and "much more" than the way He's presented in the bible. The bible is only one small view of Him. I don't mean to sound arrogant.

I too experience a lot of confusion about death stardust. And I think it must be hard for my friend as a deeply spiritual person. Her husband was an atheist so the 2 of them didn't share the same views about things - although they were extremely close. It's interesting to read your thoughts about death.

eileeenL - Sorry. Somehow I missed saying thank you to you for your reply. I appreciated your advice.

Tigerlilly2

My husband left the church at age 18. Like your friend's husband he'll have nothing to do with spirituality; no interest in it. Through the years I'd put the most rip roarin' evangelists on T.V......laugh.....He never complained; he knows I'm impossible. There's been discussion on here saying that God honours good people regardless of their theology or doctrine beliefs. Also the concept of mercy was discussed. God is merciful and He says He will have mercy on whoever he wishes. Nothing asked.

I read a cute story once from the Ragamuffin series I think. A group of atheists die and God has laid out or prepared a banquet for them. He tells them the good Christian people have enjoyed much ecstasy and joy while they have had none. He says: " Come, sit down at My table. Lets eat!"

Sometimes I like the idea of the Jehovah Witnesses re death. They say all people simply go into the grave. God holds each one in memory and on the last day or resurrection day he will resurrect the good people. The bad people are dead, no consciousness and remain so. Eternal life used to be very important to me. Now I sometimes think it doesn't matter. God creates people; kills them by whatever means (disease etc.); their souls remain and he continues on with their souls. It all seems like such a big bother....lol...perhaps he should just let us go and find a new hobby for himself? I'm being silly. Death is a mystery and so is life. To be here, to be born, to exist is a mystery as big as death.

It sure is a mystery to me too, Stardust. I've thought about it and I think that whatever it is that happens after death happens to all of us - church goers or believers or not. I just can't believe in a God who would leave anyone behind.

It's sure interesting to hear each person's perspective on it all.

I've really appreciated the time that you've taken to share your thoughts.