Nishie, I am glad you came back to the cafe. Wise posters will lead you through this, I am sure.

I have no wisdom -- only sympathy/empathy. 

Negotiating friendships is hard work.  I'm grateful to have a few people who are open to negotiation.  A couple of my friends are like cactii -- they don't need much care and feeding, but last a long time.

Someone shared this with me and it helped my understanding a bit.

“Reason, Season, Lifetime”

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

 A poem by Brian Andrew "Drew" Chalker

Since you do have a computer perhaps you could look into working from home jobs some google searching could put you in touch with a forum just like this only more helpful ..... you could have a "community" of sorts with other moms and maybe earn some moolah as well ...........

the virtual world has become a sanctuary for many people and even evolves into real life relationships .....

http://www.wahmcanada.com/

 I would suggest that you do some research on personality disorders, and understand or accept that we need to have different kinds of boundries with certain people in our lives to protect ourselves.

At the same, I believe those we need to create distance with some people in our personal lives, we need to support new structures in society that include and support these people.

We also have to support systems that identify and fight child abuse in all of it's forms. Which likely has a large part to play with creating personality disorders.

Sheesh not everything is about child abuse ......................

Agnieszka - I too lost my best friend two years ago very abruptly after years of going back and forth between being almost each other's other halves, and a lot of serious, competitive backbiting. It is rough. I too am a mom (although I work, work is irregular, I'm a substitute teacher), who moved this past fall to a new city and is too busy 'mom'ming, keeping up the house, and taking work when I can to really get out there and meet people the way I'd like. So I can definitely understand what you're going thorugh, and I want to address a few things in your post with as much empathy and experience as I can (bearing in mind experience doesn't necessarily equal wisdom; if I were wise, I'd have gotten through this mine field a bit better myself).

1: About your specific former friend - whether you made the right decision or not by walking away is something only you can know. Does it feel better to have simply moved on, or would the 'closure' of having spoken, and perhaps having mended some fences, have been worth the risk of further hurt? I can see an argument on both sides, depending how much learning, sincerity, growth is going on on both sides. I can see a case being made for 'I've managed these last four years without her, the drama's not worth it'; I can see a case for 'But she was a good friend and I'm still questioning MY abilities as a friend here, maybe talking to her about some of this might help, even if we never speak again'. I say definitely not if this is opening the door up for further misunderstanding and abuse; but if it's opening the door up for healing I could see that. And only you can answer that question.

2. Friends generally - I don't think your experience with friends so much reflects your abilities as a friend so much as your abilities to pick them. You end up not with the friends you deserve, but the friends you feel you deserve. I knew when my ex-bff dumped me, that I didn't deserve it - it is the one moment of self-introspection I've had that I've come out of with absolute clarity that it was his loss, and nothing I'd done had deserved the reaction I got from him. Period. So in that sense it helped me - that was a big turn around for me in looking around, seeing who I could trust, recognizing good friends when I had them. And while one could make the case I don't have anyone I'm 'close' to at this point - my dearest friends are busy young adults 5-6 hours away from where I live - I also know that the people I do consider friends I could turn to with anything, at anytime.

3. How to correct this as a SAHM - as corny as it sounds, join other groups geared to the mommy set. Playgroups, etc. Find a babysitter and find some adult company at exercise or cooking classes or something. Maybe getting a part-time job might help both in the meeting people department, and in covering the babysitting to do so. Even more simply though, maybe take a look around at the friends you DO have - while you don't consider them close friends, are there any you feel are good honest people who you genuinely like and who are GOOD friends? If so, make an effort *to* get close to them. Don't just accept the third wheel/outsider status; maybe they're thinking "Man, that Agnieszka, I'd love to get to know her better but she's so busy with her baby, and her other (not so good) friends, and what not, I wouldn't want to intrude." You don't deserve the way you've been treated, but you DO also get out what you put in.

Actually, kids playgroups were the place I made friends. There is a risk ending up with people just gossipping and competing how great their kids are, but I made some good friends. Hobbies are another one- do you get a night off when dad is looking after the kids?

What reasons did those friends give? Making friends and loosing friends is a normal thing in life- I had people breaking up with me as well as I had to protect myself from unhealthy relationships.  Be the way- while Jesus is all for forgiveness, he never said you have to keep hanging out with them after. It's more about not to carry on a grudge or hurt. If you keep doing the same thing over by trusting people who are not valueing your trust, you will just end up in the same situation. Jesus never asked us to be victims.

 True, Often we form relationships with the same types of people. We tend to be attracted to what we know or have experienced. I have known many narcisstic people, and I tend to respond to them because they are very good at asking for help. i have a type of autism which makes it hard to understand  people.  I tend to believe people even when others do not.  This makes me a target for people with personaility disorders.

Just the other day I discovered that someone I was worried about and helped at a great expense to me, was lieing to me and other people all the time.

The help I was giving him did not help him. It only hurt me.

The solution is too talk about my relationships with people too see if I am being taken advantage of, or lied to.

However I have to learn ways that I can do so without feeling guilty that I ambetraying peoples trust. 

We are told to forgive "seven times seventy" times. That's generally understood to be a poetic way of saying infinitely. Of course that's easy to say, not so much to do. Also, forgivinging doesn't mean that you expose yourself to foreseeable risk. If you were to forgive her and reconnect I imagine you would invest less of yourself in the friendship than you did in the past.

Sometimes when I read a thread here, a person's inner pain seems to wash over me in waves.

After four years have passed you still feel vulnerable to being hurt again - which suggests that the love you "had" is still "have".

Just a few general comments about friendship.

In my experience friendships work best when both parties want the same amount of committment. In other words, if you in your heart want more than is being offered, it's best to leave well alone.

I know this sounds clinical, but the hard reality is that friendships, like most things, have a power component. Put simply, if the power isn't shared, run a mile.

Conversely, if you know the other wants more than you're honestly willing to give - run a mile.

Another thing that's important in friendships is be honest with yourself. As Christians, we're told to love everyone. Now, I don't know about you - but the honest truth is that some folks appeal to me more when it comes to spending time with than others.

The funny thing I've noticed is that the healthier I've got - the more successful friendships I have.

When I was young I seemed to surround myself with friends who were on a merry -go -round playing victim, rescuer and persecutor.

Believe me, they, and I, were hard work!

So, that's my last piece of advice - surround yourself with  warm people who enjoy life.

Hello Agnieszka and welcome back to WonderCafe.

Which is fair.  You know the history and you know whether or not you want to live it all over again.  Since you cannot control how your friend will treat you it is up to you to control what you will do.

Well forgiveness is only your part of the relationship.  Repentance would be the part played by your friend.  If she does not repent what good does your forgiveness do for either of you?

Again, if you offer forgiveness and your friends are not repentant all you do is give your friends permission to abuse.  Apart from instruction in forgiveness the Bible offers instruction on giving.  Giving cheerfully is important because it helps the giver to avoid feelings of resentment.  

Having been burned by one friend three times now it is understandable why you would want to avoid a fourth.  Your friend needs to learn more about being a friend than I think you need to learn about forgiveness.

Sure it is possible.  I don't know how easy it will be.

I have no clue.  I have no clue that you are even doing anything wrong.  Something clearly isn't working for you though.  

I don't think it is like that at all.   You seem to know what you want in a friendship, you appear to have difficulty finding someone who can deliver that.

Grace and peace to you.

John

I think that people are more self centred nowadays so we put up with less (which is why over 50% of marriages end up in divorce) and people think others should put up with more.

I also think that socially society is changing.  People move more...this disrupts friendships.  People are less social because of the internet so don't get out as much.   People are less connnected with others and have less friends because they have less socail contacts because of smaller families, moving, working all the time, and the internet.   I could be out talking to people right now and building friendships instead I am glued to my computer and can still have social interactions but with less risk.

In general those are my thoughts....I am sorry I cannot be of more help.

I'm reading this post and wondering very much the same things.  I have decided that I am not ready to have friendships.  Gossipy people, back stabbers and BS'ers are not worth the time.  I used to believe in people changing. 

Lately, I have been cleaning house of people in my life that make it a misery.  Yes, it make me wonder if I want to be out there.  It makes me wonder if something is wrong.  Yes, I know that I have friends that I think I deserve.  This is not a situation I like, and I'm not becoming agoraphobic.  I'm trying not to lose my  faith, but I am not looking for friendships anymore.  I am looking at people and their character these days.  What they say and what they do.

Look, listen and learn.  Keep my boundaries.  Learn to love my own company.  Keep from greiving for people who aren't worth it.   Yes, I am very lonely right now.  But like kicking any bad habit, it's best not to partake of bad relationships.  I applaud you from walking away.  In order to be a good friend to someone, first you have to be a good friend to yourself.  Hang in there.  I came looking for some comfort too.  Thanks for your post Agnieszka..

that is brilliant. 

you say that like its a bad thing, serena...

for me, the internet has allowed me to have human contact where there was none before... as a stay at home mom with young kids, my adult contact is limited.  having places like wondercafe allows me to have discussions with others that i find mentally challenging when it is convenient for me - when the kids are napping, etc. 

i really find it makes my days easier to be able to do this.

also, i have met people on the internet from ALL OVER THE WORLD... some of my best internet friends are from england, australia, the usa...  i would never have met them if it hadn't been for chat rooms like wondercafe and others i have been a part of.  and knowing them has enriched my life so much.

do you run into assholes, morons, thieves, perverts and liars on places like this??  hell yeah.  but for me, the good people that i meet here far outweigh bad.