Thanks so much for this LB. It is lovely. I can identify with it a lot. When I read posts from our younger Wonderfolks, I realize how far I have come. I remember feeling a lot of what PuppyPaws is feeling now. I remember being frustrated with my parents as we had different views of how things ought to be. I have had the cocky pseudo-confidence and that has evolved into mostly a calm quiet confidence. At least in areas where I have earned that confidence, and worked for it.

As some of you know, I have recently had a few storms enter my life. The biggest was some issues with the church and my relationship with the minister. This was an extremely stressful time. The end result was that I realized I was being attacked, and that my friendship did not seem to mean anything to this man. Once I made the decision to leave that situation because I would not endure attacks, I felt a load off my shoulders. I would never have done this in the past. More importantly, I made this decision without attacking back. Now I am reasonably confident that I can respond to the fallout of this situation with grace and dignity, while respecting the grace and dignity of others. I hope that is acting in confidence. I do now feel stronger for having endured this situation, though there is a weariness still present.

I guess my point is that the storms of life can strengthen us. Weeds can indeed turn into lovely flowers. I read a quote once that said that weeds are plants whose virtues have not been discovered. We might be weeds at points in our lives, but we are still valuable plants.......besides, don't weeds have the strongest roots?

I recently heard this John Wayne quote that resonated with me. It is from the movie "The Shootist": "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them." I think my recent storms have been lessons in this somehow.

Ah LB, you're the Queen of Metaphor!

Confidence to me is something that is applicable in some areas of my life, and lacking in others.

Public speaking is something I don't even attempt, on the other hand I'm comfortable being in a crowd of six (family size?)

Most of all, I'm confident in print. Like all intoverts, I require a lot of space, and writing makes this possible. I've now got to the stage in life where I feel most "problems" can be written out and consequently dealt with. Although, even I think at times I need too much distance. (Needless to say, my friends think it odd that I spend time writing on wondercafe to people I'll never see who live half way round the world.)

Confidence is definitely something that grows in a person. It develops over a period of time.  I know that because that is the way it happened with me.

You have to work at developing it. 

Smiles at Pilgrim - I'll lay money you and I have shared ancestors. 

Both you and Northwind have made points that, when I'm not dashing off to work, I will elaborate on further but just quickly I'm going to touch on the public speaking.

Public speaking I have learned takes practice - thus to get comfortable with it you have to actually do it and do it a lot. 

I used to be terrified of speaking before a crowd.   I think this fear had its roots way back in high school when in the middle of doing a class presentation the room went black.  I couldn't see a thing, not my classmates, my project, just black.  I carried on, finished the presentation, because I had practiced it, and felt my way back to the desk -  no one noticed my distress, indeed I got a good grade.

Since then, when forced,  I would speak publicly but always with intense fear - even at my parents 50th, speaking in front of family and friends, I shook so hard that every one noticed, yet my voice remained steady. However, in the last year I have had to speak in front of groups ranging from 10 to 100 on a regular basis, most of the time I have to wing it.  In the beginning it was really tough but now I don't even notice - the fear is gone.

Confidence grows with exposure ....

LB - tossing another metaphor to Pilgrim

We have all the light we need, we just need to put it in practice.      Albert Pike
 

LB: I agree regarding the practice.

  I was and still am at times, a shy/insecure extrovert. 

I did my first speech in Grade 6 or so. I had practised & practised with my cue cards, but when I got in front of the class I was a mess.   I went into automaton....and the worst part is that I didn't realize until about 1/2 way through the second time that I had looped through my cards and started over.  I was embarrassed.    

I didn't speak in pubic again for years unless forced.

We started going to church when we were married...and I became involved i church school when our son was born. We had a wonderful Church school superintedent who taught me how to use a mic, coached me in public speaking, and laughed through hiccups.  

With church, there was always a time when something needed to be read, and that coaching continued.

Now, I have no fear of public speaking...

I do think that church is a great opportunity for children & youth to find their own voice....given supports.  My youngestson had an angels voice (it is now a deep booming wonderful one), but, he did solos even at christmas with the church packed with strangers. Didn't bat an eye.  amazing. 

It is another of those things you take one step at a time.  But I'm thankful that I overcame my fears and did gain confidence.  It is a talent - a gift from God and we must be good stewards of that gift.

Even though I'm extremely introverted, I usually manage to feel confident enough to feel at home in the world.  My beginnings were very challenging, but maybe that provided the "compost" for that feeling of being basically "ok" and able to convey that.   I also tend to believe that others are "ok" too and generally trust myself enough to risk trusting others.

But then there are times when I arrive home clutching at the tattered rags of my self-esteem from some experience or encounter and I realize that the part of me with the history of failure rises up and starts yammering at me.

Somewhere along the line, I figured out that confidence is also the ability to be honest and vulnerable without having to hide it, knowing I"m not alone in my feelings. 

Pilgrims Progress said:

"Most of all, I'm confident in print. Like all intoverts, I require a lot of space, and writing makes this possible. I've now got to the stage in life where I feel most "problems" can be written out and consequently dealt with. Although, even I think at times I need too much distance. (Needless to say, my friends think it odd that I spend time writing on wondercafe to people I'll never see who live half way round the world.)"

Describes me exactly.

Hi Ninja,

Describes ME exactly!

I went for a bushwalk with my best friend yesterday and we discussed this confidence issue. As we followed the narrow track we talked about how our confidence had grown since we first met after leaving school. Our teen-age years were marked by an extreme lack of confidence - but by the time we were both married (and, yes, we were each other's bridesmaid!) we were slowly making progress.

She reminded me how she wanted me to give a speech at her 50th birthday celebration - but she knew me well enough to know that I'd find it too difficult. I didn't want to let her down so, as usual, I started to write it all down. I then rang her and asked if it would be okay to read it. Of course she agreed, and together we negotiated yet another milestone.

It must have left an impression with her, because she reminded me of the part about when she rang me for advice, at 17, when a boy who was sophisticated asked her out to an expensive restaurant. (Ah, "sophisticated" in those days meant he wore a suit and smoked cigarettes).

"If he asks you what you want to drink, say a brandy,lime and soda", I said. "And don't order fish, you'll probably be nervous and you could choke to death on  a bone."

These days, my confidence has improved. Now I'd suggest ordering Lobster Thermidor with a glass of chilled chardonnay. (Now THAT'S  sophistication!)

Us introverts have a lot in common and I suspect one is we think about stuff too much

I like this, particularly the part about honesty.  I think the difference between over/under confidence and healthy confidence is the honesty that one has with oneself.  If I am honest with myself I know there are things I can not do - I have lousy poor eye hand coordination I'm never going play professional sport - so there is no point beating myself up over the fact that I'll never be a contender.

On the other hand, if I am honest with myself, there are things I may not try because they are unknown and the fear of that makes me vulnerable.  It is at this point that one's confidence gets its true test. 

Anais Nin once wrote There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.  The risk of not taking that next step into the unknown may mean that one becomes trapped, never taking that chance because of fear of failure or rejection.
 

Nin accurately points out there is pain in both but by taking that risk the end result is the difference between growth and stagnation.  It requires not just confidence but courage to open up our petals of potential.

Writing as a woman, I often have felt that I have been discouraged from being confident.  Confident women are seen as "bitches", "bullbusters" or "acting like a man" all negative connotations and regardless of whether they are said with the intent to discourage they do.  I am equally sure that men experience similar phrases that trap them in the bud stage.

This is why I think it is important that those who have confidence share it with others.  There are enough people out there that will nip that bud so that when we see someone struggling to flower we should provide them encouragement and support.

The world can always do with more flowers....

LB

Happiness held is the seed; happiness shared is the flower.  Anon