Congratulations Alex.  This is a very brave thread.  Unfortunately, I do not know any gay men or else I could help you.  

I am very sorry to hear that you lost your loved one to aids.

On the positive side it looks as though you have learned a great deal from your recent failed experiences.  It is only failure when you stop trying.  Sounds trite but it is true.  I wish you the best.

Alex if I knew any unattached gay men I would definitely be introducing them to you. 

Its been a long time since I perused the personal ads.  It is very difficult to write one that conveys who you are in a couple of lines. 

Perhaps something like "Sensitive survivor seeks long term loving partnership on the journey of life"

LB

It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you.     Anonymous

I just found this.  I'm glad you can keep your sense of humour through it all.  Those stories had me smiling and sympathetic at the cost of honesty.  

I like Muskoka's idea very much. 

Are there dating sites for HIV survivors?

No there are not really any. Most of the people who are HIV positive and alive today never became sick. I am only alive and healthy today because I was lucky, and I refused to take mono therapies which ended up making those who did resistent to the new therapies. This happened due to various reason; the fact I did not panic due to a mystical experience I had when I was a teen and common sense as I saw what little benefits they provided to those that did and the side effects they suffered.

Single HIV+ People who have never been sick are often in the closet about being infected. They are also usually much younger than I. Too youing for me anyways.

However I see my main barrier to meeting guys is not being HIV positive, but in being autistic, and how I see the world and relate as a result.

I think I would do best with a guy who has a disability of some sort and understands how to manage it. That disability could be HIV but I think I would perfer someone in the autism spectrum or people who are successful in managing mood disorders or other mental illness. I say this because in my experierince many bi-polar people are bright and creative and open to God, the same goes for those with high functioning autism.

 Let me clarify something. I see being HIV as not causing a barrier to meet men. many couples are discordant(one is HIV and the other is not). It is my difficulties associated with ASD that make it difficult to communicate and negotiate.

Also if I put HIV positive on my ads, I am afraid that it will add to the suffering of others. As a Christian this means I should not do this. Let me try to explain.

This is because it adds to the assumption that people who are HIV+ are a risk to those who are not. In reality someone who has his HIV under control is not infectious. Many in the gay community do not understand this, and so see the declaration of HIV status as one that helps them choose partners based on the assumption that you can have unsafe sex with those who are not HIV positive, while you need to have safer sex with those who are. 

However this is why so many young people today are becoming infected. I do not want to contribute to this. Studies show that most people who become infected are catching it from people who are newly infected. People who are newly infected not only have extremely high levels of HIV in their blood, and thus are much more infectous but also because they have yet to develop anti-bodies,  they are not HIV positive. To become HIV+ one has to be infected long enough for the body to start producing anti-bodies. The HIV test is for the anti-bodies and not for HIV. 

So it is people who are HIV negative or who do not know their status are passing the virus to others, for the most part.

I do not want to add to that misunderstanding in my ad. I also do not  have the capacity to explain this along with others things in a simple ad. It is something I will have to do between meeting the person and getting close.

This should be the job of people involved in education, however they are not doing a good job at it. Largely due to the lack of funding provided by Liberal and Conservative governments.

However it has been difficult to find guys who are willing to wait long enough in order for me to do so. This is especially difficult to negotiate with my difficulties in communication when I get emotional.

Maybe I should move to Nova Scotia  

 This might be a topic for another disscussion. But I will ask it here.

Does anyone here you goes to church know of church members who are single gay men?

If so what do you know about them are any  HIV+, or  have autism? High functioning, or not. How about ADD or ADHD?

I sympathize Alex. I know that internet sites are not always the best places to find "love". I'm sorry the relationship with your professor guy didn't work out either.

Based on your logic, I would not put your HIV status in an ad either. Yes, you can potentially contract AIDS from HIV and die, but clearly you are not going to have sex with someone without them knowing you are HIV +, and you also seem to know a lot about the issues.

I don't know the Ottawa area. Are there churches that have support groups for people living with mental illness? Or social groups? I suppose it is rather difficult for you to get out there and just "socialize" and meet people.

Wish I could be more help. (((Alex)))

Thanks Kappa

Disclosure is not an issue for me, it`s just how to do so and how much do I disclose.

Our church runs a program with the Canadian Mental Health Association, however I do not qualify for CMHA or any mental health programs. I have never been diagnosed with any mental disease other then anxiety and mild depression. Since these two things are considered mild and  people like me who gave suffered multiple and on-going losses are suppose to be depressed and anxious at times.

Also PDD-NOS which is the form of Autism I have been diagnosed with, is considered either a neurological disorder, or a developmental disabilty. Like learning disabilities, or illnesses like MS which affects the brain it is not a mental illness. (an aside this exposes the mind/body split as false, along with spirit mind dualism)

Also since high functioning forms of Autism have only been reconized in North America since 1984 (althrough discover in Germany after WW2). Not many people actually know much about it.  1% of boys, and 1 in 150 of all children are currently diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.  However I believe as do more and more people, that ASDs run in families and we have always had the same numbers of autistic people. It`s just the fact we have reconised it recently and that we are starting to understand that Autism presents in many different ways. Essentaily we are people who who among other things have the part of our brain that deals with sense perception, and the ability to filter our sense perception is different then most people.  Actually everyone is different in this way, its just that you have to have more of an extreme difference to be labeld autistic. It is reasonable to believe that the Autism spectrum is actually much broader then we know. 

Since everything we know is based on our sense perception and what our reasoning does with it, people with autism see and understand the world in different ways. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is not. 

Most people with high function autism who are over 30 do not know it. In the past many people who were autistic often wore other lables, different kinds of mental illneses ranging from anxiety disoders to schizophrenia, some were called mentally retarted or idiots, while others were labeld genius. Some were eccentrics and some were labeled mystics. I also believe that many people who think they have ESP, are actually just autistic and unaware that they are just different, not with an extra sense, but with a different way of arranging our sense perception in the brain. 

The only reason I recieved testing for it was that I started taking University courses and was able to get funding for a learning disability test. I Qualified for ADD, but the tester recommended that I get further tests done to see if I was autistic. Due to a placing in the top 1% of the intelligent test they gave me and the fact I started talking at a late age and was consider slow in school when I was young.  

So there are no programs for people like us. What makes it worse is AutismSpeaks and other organisations are trying to use the fact that large number of children have been diagnosed to raisefunds  and alarm people by claiming that it is an epedemic. In order to beleieve that you also then have to claim that there are almost no autistic people older then 18. Almost are groups that exists are run by parents. They are not willing to provide much in help or programing for adults like me.  

Hi Alex,

I am not certain that on-line ads are the way to go either.  I understand that you are a student.  Is there a GLBQTT2S club or association on campus?

Also, I used to work at ACT (AIDS Committee of Toronto), and  I know that many support groups are offered, including a group for  survivors,as well as groups for men living with HIV.  Perhaps you may  find a group through the Ottawa AIDS Committee (I think that is what it is called).  Additionally, you may discover that you would like to volunteer there - andd that is an excellent way to meet people of many orientations, and to make new friends as well as to possibly find someone to date. I think I read on another thread that you were/are a volunteer so perhaps your spare time is committed elsewhere.

I hope this idea may help you!

This might help.   When dating someone, it is important to let it all out when you're wanting to start dating.   You maybe should have let that person know about your condition before the date, as it obviously was not what he wanted.  

This website is designed for people with various medical needs, and you can cater it to find the perfect someone.

http://www.prescription4love.com/

This will eliminate the potentially uncomfortable conversations, and help you find the right person.

I used a different website to find my current spouse, but i read a forum there that advised people about this site, so I thought i'd pass along the info!

Let us know when you find him!

 Thanks

You make me laugh twice.

I am at St Paul University ( it has a papal charter and is mainly a theological University with programs in Canon Law, Theology, Pastoral Care and some Philosophy)studing philosophy. I picked it due to the small size.(700 students) I am very out and have orgainsed with the social justice groups AIDS related activities. However not one student or teacher has come out to me, other then lesbians. Many of the professor evidently have lipodystropy, even one who recently became a Bishop. However they would all be fired for coming out. Loosing not just there jobs, but their pensions as well. Which is legal becuase to be qualified to teach at St Paul you need a license from the church, and they have removed the license before form many professor. Also most of the male students are looking to work somehow in the Roman Catholic Church (except in philosophy but its a small department) and and so they can not come out. 

ACO no longer run groups for gay men.  I belonged to the last one. I use to be on the board for 5 years and I am ashamed to admit it.  They removed the volunteers the last year I was on the board. I was also a founding member of ACO and BRAS a group in the Outauais. We had a few very destructive EDSs at ACO and it has finally recovered from that but now they focus on street involved people and education. Few Gay men will have anything to do with it and they have no Gay staff except in the Mens Education project. I`ve been doing education work in the gay community for over 25 years I am tired ouf it. I now speak in High Schools, Universities and other  groups for  a childrens charity (StopAIDSNow) raising awareness about the Global epidemic and spreading the news that HIV does not kill but our economic system does. A system that is responsible for the deaths of millions of children becuase they have no money to buy health care or even have access to clean water.

Thanks I will check out the site.

You bet I will let you know if I find someone. Everyone will know. If I get married it will the biggest thing since Charles married Diana, I`ll even broadcast it live through Youtube and my blog on Wondercafe as proof miracles can happen

I am sooooo sorry, Alex. :(

Actually and Alex -- I checked out that site too, and it wouldn't accept a Canadian postal code.  Maybe you'll have better luck. 

Alex -- Hey.  I've seen your picture and read what you've written here and I'd say you'll have that wedding sooner than later, my friend. 

I also suspect I'm mildly autistic.  I keep getting (sometimes disparaging) comments on how I live on another planet and I'm ultra sensitive to what I perceive as harshness and cruelty (others might see it as "reality").  I get along really well with animals and understand their language.  People have told me several times that their pet, who normally doesn't warm to strangers, gravitate to me.  People?  Without meaning to, I think I disappoint them with my combination of a caring personality on one hand, and  perceived remoteness on the other. 

I'm going to check out ASD. 

Why are you sorry. All I want is a relationship, many others are in that situation, I just have different barriers to overcome then others. Thats why I asked for help and ideas. Please don<t pity me or others otherwise you will just discourage people you want help in overcoming barriers they face.

 Plus I am alive, unlike most people I knew. The doctors expected me to die before I was thirty. I did not comply.

This is the hand I have been delt and as far as I am concerned I am doing well and also helping others. Someone else here said Christianity is where  your ass is.

duplicate

It,s possible, what you describe could be an ASD  but keep in mind it is hard to get testing paid for if you are not a student. Also I suspect it is a bigger spectrum then the tests determine. Just as in eyesight some people can see well, others need glasses, some are legally blind while others are totally blind. But of you can afford testing you might learn something. I did and it has help just knowing so that I can give myself accomadtion and a greater understanding of not just me, but many people in my family.

Thanks for the compliment and encouragement.

Alex, I wrote that I am sorry because my ideas were not helpful to you; I was not offering pity for your situation.

 Ok, I understand. Well then your remarks were helpful because they show that you care. Thanks

I kind of think you're more likely to find a boyfriend who's also positive.

My only advice is don't use dating sites, they're not for dating, they're for sex. Also never mention marriage on a first date, that's a really big faux pas. Other than that...uh...try Toronto?

Alex -

I really do think it's when your living life for yourself, loving you is when the law of attraction kicks in and true majic occurs. Yes, you still have to put yourself out there, just do it without expectation and you may at least acquire some really good friends if not a partner. The fact that your HIV+ and have Autism, I know make it more difficult and for that I don't know what to say, other than to get involved socially in associated groups as Redhead and Actually already stated.

Although, online is primarily for sex, that is how I met my partner and we've been together for five years (he was practically moved in before we had sex). Here is what I remember of online dating. Be quite explicit with anyone who request or send nude pics. Chat them up for a very long time, become friends online before you meet, and even then, you will get those who lie about age and their life, you will set-up dates with no shows (I got stood up even by a Rev), you will meet guys who want a relationship but are not willing to move out of their comfort zone, these guys are specific, they won't travel distances, you have to fit in with their lifestyle automatically, etc.  I called this stuff the games and they can be very grueling and exhausting and disappointing.  You have to be direct, upfront, bold and somtimes even dramatic. You'll get guys that won't get it, others will just walk away without a word, and some will be just blunt (but that is good).  Besure your ad reads like a receipe, be specific and state your interest, don't be shy, state whatever is important to you.  Your ad can weed out the undesirables and people of non interest to you.  However, don't be so rigid as to weed out the potentials either. My partner was not a potential, he just wouldn't go away, which in his case did not turn out to be a detriment.  And you thought it was just your Autism, not really.

Remember you are unique, your ailments and your experiences are what make you - you and that is a wonderful thing.

I can testify to this as well.  When I met the love of my life I was totally not interested in pursuing a relationship and he is not physically what I traditionally was attracted to.  We became friends first and then his gentle persistence proved irresistible.

My experience has been that love happens at the most unexpected moments - just when you're not looking it magically appears.

LB

Angel, angel from the sky
         Came right down to sit beside
         This lonely achin' heart of mine
         That now, folks, feels sublime
         Now I'm a walkin', talkin'
         And a spinnin'
         i can't keep my face from grinnin'
         Things are roarin', soarin'
         Oh what a feelin'
         K. D. Lang, Angel with a Lariat