ashleybanks
Relationship: Let him go or hold on tight?
Posted on: 12/27/2008 22:18
I don't really know how to start here so I guess I'll just get straight to the point...y a
I've been with this guy (we'll call him Tevin) for about a year and a half now and during the first year I basically lied to him about alot of things and for the first half I chose not to commit to a relationship based on the fact that I had been lied to and mistreated over and over again by men and I wouldn't let myself trust anyone. Tevin did alot to show me that he would never hurt me but I ignored because I felt as though I had seen it all before. Finally after that first half I decided to commit but all the lies and things that I had done prior to that I kept secret. Suddenly my lies starting to come down on me, he was finding out slowly but surely what I had been up to and I was falling inlove with him throughout all of this. He had asked me on certain occations to just come clean but I kept feeling like it wasnt the right time, like if i said something at that time i would lose it all, so i didnt. He eventually found out though and in a way i would have never thought and would have never wanted him to find out. Through all of that though, he stayed.
Now we are fighting for our relationship. I love him more than life itself but its clear that his love for me is fading. I try so hard to make up for what I have done but it seems like nothing I do will mend the damage. He wanted to marry me, we want to have kids together, I want him to want to marry me again and I want to have kids together but its so hard. We have been close to breaking up so many times and have broken up more than once. Last night he said he still loved me but tonight he said his feelings have changed. Im not sure in what way. I dont know what to do at this point. These past few months have been really hard. Should I keep fighting or should I just let go?
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Comments
The Innkeeper
Posted on: 12/27/2008 23:10
I want to answer your post sister but I have to know one thing first so I know how to address your post. Are you born again?
ashleybanks
Posted on: 12/28/2008 11:57
No, no i am not. I just decided that I need to start being honest in order to keep our relationship going.
The Innkeeper
Posted on: 12/28/2008 12:38
OK thank you for answering. Now one thing I can say to you is this:
As long as you have bagage when getting into a relationship sooner or later that bagage will be opened. Most of the time it is when least expected. Bagage seems to start to stink after prolonged covering. The longer you let things fester in your life the worse it gets. You my friend have alot of forgiveness issues to say the least. Yes even nonbelievers can forgive - just not to the same level as one who understands the Forgiveness of Christ. Anyway I am not preaching to you (unless you ask questions about it LOL - had to say that lol) but this type of problem in you will always come back unless you deal with you. You have to choose which is more inportant to you - the pain of past hurts or the reality of new fresh ones without preconcieved problems.
If you want to talk more let me know - ik-ministry@hotmail.com
franota
Posted on: 12/28/2008 15:32
I agree with most of what Innkeeper says - except the part about non-believers. Being married to a non-believer, and having been married to him for 38 years, forgiveness has nothing to do with claiming to be a Christian or any kind of believer. It has to do with what kind of person one is. Jesus really didn't care about whether people were "believers" or not (and if they were they wouldn't have been Christian anyway) - he did care about the kind of people they were, how honest they were, and how they treated the people around them.
You have a long way to go. You need to have an honest conversation with him about how his feelings have changed - he might not even be sure himself. Try to determine whether or not you think it can go ahead. If you both decide it can, find some good professional counselling to help you both work through it. Sometimes we get hung up in patterns of behaviour that we can't see, and are hard to break. Let him know clearly that you do love him, and you are being honest. Then you have to wait, and let him make his decision.
I won't sugar-coat this - it may be he decides that he can't get past the hurt. It's the risk you have to take. And if you DO lose him, you have learned something that will help you in the future.
I feel for you - this is a hard and painful thing you are going through. Hopefully through this community you will get some support and strength as well.
ashleybanks
Posted on: 12/29/2008 11:14
Thank you so much to to both of you. I think seeking professional couselling is probably the best thing to do. We have had the conversation about where we want our relationship to go several times and each time he has chosen to stay. He actually broke up with me before and ended up asking if I wanted to give it another try because he couldnt walk away from us. So yea I really do think couselling is the answer because there is no doubt in my mind that he sees that im trying, he knows i love him and i know he loves me we just need a way to work through the hurt like you said.
Thanks again. I will keep you posted on the progress.
franota
Posted on: 12/29/2008 18:52
Please stay in touch one way or the other. You will be held in prayer.
Fran
jonahw
Posted on: 02/17/2010 19:52
I always say that you should never try to hold onto someone that's not trying to hold on to you, but every situation is different. Look inside yourself for the answers, because really you know, and you can't get that from anyone else. One time I lost the one I loved over something like this and I had to get her back. If you are in the same situation, you could check out The Ex2 System Review and try to get her back like that. Good luck!