ah, somegirl, I don't have any words to make you feel better. But rely on your friends and your WonderCafe family. We are here to be with you when you cry, yell or shout. Feel free to do any of these things.

somegirl,

It's a sad and scary time. I know you'll give your mother support and love, and your wondercafe family will be here for you.

Thanks so much Crazy and Pilgrim.  I don't know what I'm going to do without my mom and I'm so afraid of how things are going to go from now on.  She has deteriorated so much in the past week.  She thinks that her sister and aunt are here. 

It is so hard knowing that the last time that we had dinner together is most likely the last time that we ever will.  I can't even remember what we had.  I think that it was salmon.  My brother was there and she made me eat broccolli. 

It is so hard to believe that just over a week ago we were at the beach having such a great time, and I was thinking that it was such a miracle that she was here for another summer.  I so wanted to have a really good beach day with her before she died and we didn't get one last summer.  The beach has been such a big part of our lives where so many great memories have been made.  And it was a perfect beach day the weather, water temperature, surf, lunch and conversation were all perfect. 

It turns out that her doctor's appt is tomorrow, not today.  It is good to know that her best friend is taking care of going with her.  I trust her to do the right things and she knows people who work in the hospital.  Some good things right now are that unless she is hiding her symptoms from me again, she is not having headaches and vomiting like she did last time.  Also she doesn't seem upset at all.  The original surgeon told us that is because of the part of her brain affected.

No matter what happens now, the mom that I knew and loved is mostly gone.  She is so confused and it is so hard to see her like that.  Sometimes she knows that she is confused and sometimes she doesn't.  We've most likely had our last chitter chat.  I have to tell my son and he is going to be devastated.  I want to wait and hear what the dr says first though.  I'm on vacation and trying to do vacation things with him but I'm so distracted and it is hard not to be irritable.  We went to see Harry Potter today and I barely remember any of it.

(((Somegirl)))

I just can't speak to the grief you are dealing with now.  I do know from experiencing the loss of my own mother that it's possible to feel orphaned as a grownup.  I remember the awful empty feeling -- knowing I couldn't call my mum's home number and reach her on the phone anymore.  All I can say is to stay in the moment and share very small, simple things.  It sounds like this time it's not as hard for her as it was before.

Like others have said.  We're here and we care very much.

I just heard from my mom's friend on how the doctor's appt went.  She has another tumor on the other side of her brain.  They have given her steriods to reduce the swelling and that should help with her confusion.  Until they kick in I'll have to keep careful tabs on her.  She wouldn't let me come up to bring her some supper today but she did have a good lunch so I guess that she will be okay.  I'll call her later to make sure that she has eaten and I might make an excuse that I have to go to a store near her.  She is not allowed to drive anymore.  She has an appt on Tuesday afternoon to discuss treatment options because the other tumor has still not grown so she did respond very well to her last treatment.  It is very unlikely that they will do surgery again.  Mom's friend said that she will probably get chemo.  I just called her and made my excuse so I'll be bringing leftover stew to her. 

(((((Hug)))))

I talked to my brother this evening.  He saw the images from the mri and he said that it is very bad.  The tumor went from nonexistant 3 months ago to very serious.  They will be doing a home care assessment this week.  They have offered her chemo but there is only a 1 in 10 chance that it will make the tumor smaller, it will not get rid of it.  The dr said that she has no more than 6 months left.  Over time we can expect her condition to deteriorate with more confusion and then dizziness and maybe headaches and vomiting.  It will be a comfort when the home care people are in place because they will constantly assess her condition.

Right now I go between crying and trying to count my blessings.  It is good that she is not afraid or upset over her situation.  We had more time together where she was in good condition than they said that we would.  I got my perfect beach day with her and Somekid.  It is hard to believe the condition that she is in now considering I'm still peeling from the sunburn on my leg that day.  I can mostly keep it together when I'm around people but when I'm alone or sometimes with people I trust I fall apart.  I was crying with my husband and I called my mom and we had a cheery conversation but when I hung up the phone I was back to crying.

My mother's condition improved slightly with the steriods but is deteriorating again now.  It is hard for us to know what to do.  I think that my brothers and I are going to have to sit down together and talk about the things that we don't want to talk about such as power of attorney and possibly a nursing home. 

We are still waiting for the homecare assessment.  We suspect that they may have called mom and she might have told them that she didn't need them.  I know that they do housekeeping and they have someone who makes sure that people take the right pills at the right time.  She really needs that.  My brother called them today but I haven't heard if he heard back yet.

I visited my mom today and did her ironing for her.  I don't generally iron and she irons just about everything.  It was hard work, but I was happy to do it.  I also picked up some groceries for her.  I don't think that she wants to say too much because she is afraid of saying the wrong thing.  Her face is puffy from the steriods.  One of my brothers was away when she was really bad before the steriods kicked in.  I got a kind of paniced email from him this morning but mentally she isn't as bad as she was or is pretending not to be as bad as she was but physically she is much worse.  Her balance is going and she is very slow moving.  She is not in much pain, her eyes are bothering her but that is it.  We are very sad in the Some household.

Somegirl, thinking about you and your mom and family each day.

My mom has decided to go ahead with the chemo despite the low probablity of reducing the tumor (there is no chance that it will make the tumor go away).  She has agreed to stay at her friend's house where she will get much closer supervision and be well taken care of.  She agreed to it because she is doing the chemo and is worried about the side effects.

My son and I are going to visit her tomorrow.  I'm going in to mom's apartment on Sunday to clean it.  Maybe I can convince Someguy to come and help me.  I am torn.  What if the chemo is just delaying the inevitable and maybe making my mom go though a lot of side effects for nothing?  I guess that I'll just have to wait and see.

My mom is all settled at her friend's house.  Her friend and her husband are the sweetest, most giving people I've ever met and mom seems quite happy and content there.  It is a bit of a long drive but next week we will have mom's car so Someguy can drive Somekid around while I go visit.  I'm still going to cleam mom's house.  If the treatment works she will be able to go back for at least a while.  Her friend has a couple of weekend plans coming up and my bothers and I will probably be staying with her in her apartment.

So far there have been no side effects from the chemo.  No nausea at all, which is the most common side effect.  She is very tired but that is not different from before she started chemo. 

They forgot her most important medication and we all went to take it over to her and have a visit.  My husband and my mom are so funny because each thinks that the other can't stand them.  They got off to a really rocky start but they both think almost exactly alike when it comes to Somekid and my welfare.  It's funny really.  It was a very good visit and my son and I had a great visit today. 

Dear Somegirl,

I have been reading your story and I feel so much for you. My mother also has the most aggressive type of brain cancer - GBM-IV. There aren't words for what it feels like to see your mother suffer in this way and have to contemplate the loss. Sometimes it feels like it's just too much and you just plain won't get through it. And then you get up and go do the next thing you need to do, and find joy in having a great visit today, and that's your gift to your mother, the greatest one you could give, is finding joy in every moment with her. I don't know that anything anyone can say makes this easier - no one has yet said the thing to me that makes it easier - but it does help when I know people are thinking about my mother and about me, so I wanted to tell you that you've been in my thoughts and prayers every day since I read this. (It took me a while to get a password so I could respond.) Take care of yourself.

Thanks so much Betsy.  That is the same kind of cancer my mother has.  It can be hard because it is her brain and the symptoms can be so unpredictable.  We really have no idea what is going to happen.   We will know next month if the chemo that she is doing is helping at all.  I feel blessed that we had more time than the doctors said that we would. 

I will keep you and your mother in my prayers.

hi somegirl, im not really sure where to start. im going through almost exactly the same thing with my mum shes 49 and was diagnosed with a GBM IV in sept 09 they have given her 12 months to live she has had surgery back in sept and they removed as much as they could. she has had many cycles of chemo and radiotherapy and thankfully it hasnt grown but then it also hasnt shrunk. She had a brain scan about a month ago and they have found another shadow at the back of her brain. we are waiting to find out what this means ect.

my mum dosent want to know her prognosis but myself and my dad felt we needed to know. As the months have gone on shes getting much more confused and is talking about her past which she has never done before shes a very private person, she is also a very intelligent lady and its extremely hard watching her dissapear. She seems lost in herself and its hard to see the mum i knew.

My partner and i have moved in for a while to help out my dad as he is finding it very hard to cope. This is the hardest thing my family have ever had to deal with and it is becoming very hard to stay strong and hold it togehter infront of mum. Im due to have my first baby in three weeks and i have many emotions to try and deal with at first i didnt think mum would have made it to see my baby and now i know she will but i now have the upset that she will not see my baby grow.

i have no idea how your suposed to get through this but we are sticking together and trying to work as a team.

my thoughts and best wishes are with you x