Not much to offer except sometimes older people 'somatize", that is, place non-physical feelings into physical symptoms since it's easier to address and gets more attention while saving face.   This might be why she appears to resist getting better.

It could be your presence (under the guise of doctor visits) makes her feel cared for.

I find that as these individuals age, I get pulled in more & more,

Nobody can pull you in unless you want to be pulled in .... being something of an enabler is not going to help their situation when all you are doing is in fact giving them an audience if they don't want you to go to the doctor with them then that is  a sure sign that things are not so bad ... hypocondros should really never cry wolf because no one will be there for them when the wolf shows up at the door. just try pulling back a little

Picture a situation where you find individuals not caring for themselves

another thing you can't make people do they have to do it for themselves so long as they can .

Case in point i had a relative who refused to take their meds properly  even though it was for a precarious situation (high blood pressure ) the family tried everything to tell them how dangerous it was but to no avail several years later they had a fatal stroke .... what else could we have done .... nothing really ... you do your part and move on ... the rest is up to them

Pinga, I really think it happens a lot. They need to be needed and they need to have something to talk about. So what is the best topic - their health. I have an older friend who is driving everyone crazy - same kind of situation but she doesn't follow doctor's orders and refuses to get flu shots. She is diabetic and doesn't follow diet but  she  can talk about high sugar levels ( and whatever could be causing them?)

Just throw me in a Lorras Bin, I tell my kids. I don't want to be this way. As you can see I don't have an answer.

Jes -- my sense is you do not understand the complexity. I have a choice, to try & explain the scenarios to you..or...ignore you.  for now, i will ignore as historically i have found that you do not actually wish to understand complexities and variants. 

Ch, NF -- I am aware that this call may be the one that truly is a critical item if only due to the probability being higher due to age and other circumstances; however, due to past history I find myself torn.   Do I engage emotionally, do I jump in a car and head over...am i being disrepectful or uncaring if I don't....when honestly this one may be a real crisis.  (there have been real crisis...it is hard to tell them apart from the false ones)

i think scotch may be the answer.

Cmon pinga do you really think that your situation is somehow unique somehow complex ? everyone has had to deal with these issues at some point in their lives ....you would not be asking these questions if you did not feel overburdened so why not just be a little selfish there is only so much a person can do , being a victim  does not win any extra points in heaven ...  learn how to say "no" without feeling guilty ... your choice .... either that or put up .... right ?

Start talking about how a retirement home might be a solution for them and check out the reaction.

My sympathies Pinga-it is sometimes hard to sort the fact from fiction-or to be generous-confusion.

One solution may be to set up scheduled visits ie weekly so you can keep an eye on things

The problem with rushing over after every phone call is that the phone calls may be more frequent as they result in a visit from you.

The problem of not going is that you truly might be needed one time.

right, thanks Tabitha..i do speak most days, but there can be a week when I do not. I also normally see them atleast once a week, if not more.  I think your point re scheduled times is now important.  Good tip.

Waterfall, A retirement home wouldn't resolve the situation...or i don't see how it would.  If anything, I think them having less things to do and be responsbile for would make it worse. Definitely not in the game plan...

Do appreciate the tips from those who have gone before.

Oh I didn't mean it that way. My stepmother used to call, and call, and CALL so much that when my kids all lived at home we would wait for the other one to pick up the phone. (no call display back then) Calls would come very late at night too.

When I sat down and talked with her about how worried I am that she seems lonely and unable to cope on her own, I suggested helphing her look into retirement living----suddenly the calls decreased.

My step-daughter is a doctor, and she told me that most of her elderly patients turned up at the surgery with minor ailments. Due to poor mobility and loss of confidence a lot of them are lonely - and the health problem is a way of getting attention and human interaction.

Also, once you reach your three score and ten (your use by date) it would be natural to be anxious about your mortality.

If possible, get them to take an interest in the outside world - my own observation of elderly hypos is that their interests have shrunk, often to just their immediate family.

For those of us with elderly parents, it can be a real problem.

I love my little old Mum dearly, but I must confess to being relieved, when at the ripe old age of 78, she found herself a "boyfriend". I'm also very proud of her for taking responsibility for her own happiness.

She's still my role model. 

I remember an elderly woman who was my "landlady" for a few months.  Sweet, kind, but also in need of lots of attention for relatively minor things. 

She appeared to lose her sense of time and an appreciation that people had to work and had a purpose for their time off.  It really bothered me when she started anticipating my days off and had a laundry list of things she need me to chauffeur her to and this seemed to take all day by the time she was finished chatting with everyone on our travels. 

The straw for me was when she introduced me to a friend as "my girl" (ie. servant).

Anyway,  she was widowed, and no family except an expeditious niece who she seldom saw. 

She also had anxiety attacks, and called me often after I'd gone to bed to go to the hospital.  Her blood sugar in one case was through the roof, but the empty cookie and chocolate packages in the trash told the tale.  The rest were panic attacks.

I also was feeling quite used, and wished she'd give me a break with the rent (which was quite high) in exchange.  She had an odd sense of entitlement to it all and I guess I enabled it.

I really liked her though, and she was very kind.

example : My friend came today and lamented that she needs things done - lights on her balcony; lightbulbs changed and Xmas decorations moved out of storeroom and her kids won't help. I said,"Have you asked them"? and she said "No, they are too busy." But it gives her something to talk about. it is driving her kids crazy.

I also was feeling quite used, and wished she'd give me a break with the rent (which was quite high) in exchange.  She had an odd sense of entitlement to it all and I guess I enabled it.

which would have been fair

I really liked her though, and she was very kind.

seems like an odd sentiment considering she used you and you got zip out of it .....

Hi Pinga,

Aging parents are hard for sure.

A couple of suggestions:

could they live with you?  Dont' jump to say no immediately  :)  Think.  :)

Could they live in a basement flat, spare room?  COudl they be a help with kids?  lunches, driving, meals, babysitting, laundry, ironing.....?  I don't know but i do know my brother did this with his lonely mother in law for about 6 months.  It actually worked for everyone once they worked out the kinks and after 6 months she felt ready to move on.

I agree with Waterfall that the talk of " i am worried that you are so worried about your health and living alone.  Lets go have a tour of seniors residences/ nursing homes and see if in fact you would be happier there" 

Maybe they actually would be happier or possibly they will stop complaining so much.

Be honest with how busy you are and set up a carved in stone time to call twice a week for updates and a daily afternoon visit.( squeeze it in)

Suggest they visit their doctor every week for a quick check up.  I know this sounds really stupid and a waste of money.  But, in fact my parents doctor had them do this.  None of us were of course aware at all but they did these quick little 10 minute checks, BP, pulse, how are you feeling things. 

Lastly, get them a dog, something to fuss over and take for walks.  A cat doesn't do the same time filling job as a dog.  Just be sure it is a type you like because it will probably out live them.

And I guess extra lastly, try to be patient.  Take lots of deep breaths.  7 years since my dad died and I would give alot for some more days with him.

Something I just remembered, because we're going back a few years, was that my stepmother was not taking her medications properly. She was doubling up because she would forget that she'd already took them. When her anxiety went through the roof if was discovered that her Lithium levels were too high.(she's bipolar) So check their medications and if they are taking them properly. Or even check to see if they need something to help them in some area, such as getting proper sleep. I'm not a big fan of using medication as the first solution for the elderly, but sleep deprivation can be serious too.

typo up thread.

i should have writen " call twice a week and set up a weekly visit.

If a person does not have the guts to talk to their parents like an adult instead of acting like they are still an 7 year old child asking permission then they will never be able to move on to the next phase of their lives

children move on and parents have to as well change is a part of life

getting older does not automatically turn one into a zombie unless there is serious mental or physical incapacition they can do many things that they have been doing for years and years ...

problem is that sometimes helping too much has a worse effect that just letting them do things for themselves

Pinga

This summer, my mom had Ovarian Cancer ( She'd watched the Elizabeth Manly ads).  She has had other life-threatening diseases as well.  By now, we know the issues arise when she is experiencing lack of direction, lonliness and unresolved grief from varioius times in her life.  It's really funny, though, because my mom is 75 and has very severe hayfever and asthma  and anaphalactic allergies.  She has managed to survive all of that and get through the 30's and 40's without TB or Polio, and no steroid puffers, no epipens . . . These real life things she downplays.  

At any rate, I always insist that she check out her latest life-threatening disease.  And she does, and then she can make sure that she is really dealing with a repressed psychological issue.  She may not focus on the issue that really is screwing her up, but she will find her way there, in her own time.

I 

Understand, jiln.

Lol, nice presumption there again, Jes.  someday you will grow up.

Dealt with the latest crisis this evening, with a sit down...with a practical review of the situation, and dialogue. 

I like the idea of Lastpointe's.  Possibly higher consistency in the calling/visiting. 

Hi Pinga,

The other thing you could do is call all your siblings and tell them to start calling.

I call my mom daily long distance.  You can get plans from Bell that it is minimal or you can use those long distance number plans.  It costs only cents.

Someone coudl call her every morning, someone every lunch.......  I set my cell phone to alarm to remind me so even if I have an early meeting I can still do it.

You shouldn't have to shoulder all the calls.  I am pretty sure you have siblings.

yup, i do, and that is a good point. thanks.

will drop them a line to increase their calls.  i think that is another good point, that sometimes, we need to increase the volume of contact. 

Hi Pinga, my family was going through a similar thing with my grandma before she found her new "man-friend" to do things with. She would get very anxious and think she was dying, call people up in the middle of the night or phone the ambulance, etc. The key for her was finding things to do. She is now completely distracted from her health and we never hear about it. She is 85.

I think it is hard when people get lonely. Are there things to suggest doing for your parents/elderly friends? Perhaps they could play cards together, join a club or elderobics group, or volunteer? Just some thoughts. I sure you would be able to present such suggestions tactfully.

Also, a dog is a good suggestion, but only for someone who won't find it too burdensome. If someone has never had an animal before, they might not enjoy being saddled with one. If they live in the same city though, you could consider dropping off your own dog (if you have one) to spend time with them. This was also something my grandma enjoyed: she would take care of my aunt & uncle's dog and loved her, but would have been totally overwhelmed with a dog of her own.

Another thing we tried to do was remind her about the things she did that we liked. She makes lots of good recipes, so we would say, "Oh it was so nice when you made the cookies for us. Your cookies are the best!" 

There is a new puppy in the house....and Kappa it is having the affect you named.

Was just wondering about something.  Not sure if this would help or fit with what's going on (and not sure of your parents' physical abilities) so just throwing it out there.

Any chance of combining purpose and connection together?  Maybe a project that your parents (or one of your parents) could be in charge of with Christmas coming up if you spend Christmas together.  Just a thought.  Wondering if that might give them something to focus on that still involves emotional connection to your family because it's for the whole family.  Baking, crafts, wrapping...etc.  Something or another might fit in and give them something to focus on and be in charge of.

No so helpful if they would need a lot of assistance with that.

Best wishes.

TL

Hey very cool about the puppy :-)

TL

Hypochondria and depression in the elderly… Well, having dealt with the elderly all my life... and depressants.  I will offer my two cents. The actual value may be far less or far more, depending.

Thank you Stevie

SG, all good points, thanks.  We do have those conversations, and you are right, they are not easy.  Discussions on funerals, discussions on who will likely outlive the other, discussions on household, care, family  / siblings, etc.  Due to some other items that occurred, those conversations have been more frequent and more in depth than I ould have expected. 

The struggle that I originally posted about was the "drop everything panics".  The, we are at emergency, phone calls.....with a person who is convinced the other one is dying. 

The points that I am hearing are: 

a) start going to doctors -- note: they haven't wanted me to due to it being an independence thing..but i think if nothing else we need to discuss the impact of me not going

b) scheduled (as compared to regular) phone calls & visits.