Paul, you will find excellent resources at www.fasworld.com

Bless you,

lyh

I would suggest that you try spending as much one or one your FASD grandchild as possible.  Offer to take him for a day - and then focus on him, doing things together.  It will help the FASD child to spend time with you.  It will help his parents and brothers to have a break from his constant care.

But don't just spend time with this particular child.  Get some one or one time with the other children too.  They need your attention - especially when so much of the parents time is spend with their brother.  And sometimes offer to babysit the whole lot (if you can manage it) and give the parents a real break.

Give twice as much love as you give advice.  And be careful in that your advice is given as suggestions.  Don't be hurt if they don't follow your suggestions either.  They are probably getting advice from many directions.

And if you can afford it, and the parents can't - offer to pay for counselling, special help, tudoring, or anything else that might make life easier for this family.

And these are just suggestions from an interested grandparent.  I don't know it all.  I don't think anybody does.

my advice would be the opposite... as a grandparent, i would FOCUS on the non FAS kids, and be the person they can go to when they feel like the kid with FAS is getting all the attention. 

from what i have seen with FAS kids, they get 'stuck' at a level, and just don't go from there.  its frustrating for everyone.  so there is going to be a lot of time, energy, and money spent on that kid, and my guess is that the other kids are going to feel pretty abandoned, no matter how much the parents try and compensate.

so yeah.  be their 'soft place to fall'... spoil them, talk to them, take them places just one on one... maybe even set aside a special 'grandpa day' with each of them, where you set aside a few hours on the same day every month - say, the 10th - where you do whatever THEY want to do, no matter how bizarre.  if they want to go and ride go-carts, then go.  if they want to buy a coconut and crack it open by smashing it on the sidewalk, then off you go.  whatever.  that way, they always have something to look forward to, time that is JUST FOR THEM. 

 Have to get dinner ready, so I'll have to come back to this.  I'll see if I can find some resources later.

Hopefully when this child was adopted your family knew about the FAS.  It is certainly a life long issue with many hurdles ahead.  Hopefully the adoption center offered counselling, resources, .........

I think you can offer time and love to all.  The ability to take the kids , or some of the kids for a weekend to give everyone a break.  the ability to be that safe person to let off steam to.  Many memebers of the family may feel that need to spout off to a non judgemental loved one.  Without feeling guilty.

i agree that the other siblings will need your love and time but this troubled child does too. 

financially there may be issues too and perhaps you can help there.

sighs - my second paragraph focused on the other kids and I did suggest that he spend one on one time with them.  Yes, they will need attention, lot of it to make up for perhaps being shortchanged at home. 

Even if they didn't have a special needs brother, every child needs to feel special in their grandparents eyes. 

I see too much in my own grandchildren - here it is gender based.  Ever since the boy was born almost five years ago the girls have been ignored by the other set of grandparents.  This week is March break.  The boy is spending his third day with them - including one sleep-over.  The girls are older and are being trusted home alone for the first time (Mommy goes home at noon and sometimes drops them at a friend's place for the afternoon).  They are not being neglected but I'm sure they would have appreciated an invitation - a day of cooking, or crafts, or going shopping with Grandma - or a drive together to a special destination.  Even just the phone call issuing the invitation would have been welcomed. 

Hi Paul - an excellent question ... how to help but not seem to be meddling.  I wonder if you could find a way to ask the parents - what they might find most helpful may be something you (or we) haven't thought of.   

Learning as much as you can about the disorder will really help with understanding what everyone's going through - I think you're already onto that.  This is a great newsletter that you might find interesting -  http://www.fasiceberg.org/index.htm

I hope you will find ways to engage and be helpful, loving, and kind to all. 

I have zero experience with FAS, but I have been intimately involved with families with other severely disabled children and I agree with Seeler - Spending fun time with the other kids is a wonderful idea, but those kids need their parents attention too and you can't replace that with grandpa time.  So spending some one on one time with the affected child and allowing the parents to do things with the other children is also really really important.  

Hi Paul,

Along with some excellent tips you have received already, I would add to be a reflector to your child.  The adult still needs dad's approval and admiration and to see his belief in them reflected in his eyes. 

Love your child, root for your child and convince your child that you approve of him/her, even when things go wrong or they make mistakes with your grandchildren.