Well, your a lot more prepared than some people older than you are.  Marrying and having kids young isn't always a bad thing and if anyone could pull it off, it looks like you could.  But be absolutely sure of something before you do it...

Once something is done, it cannot be undone.

Assalaam Alaiykum

-Omni

i work as a foster parent, so i can tell you that based on the dealings i've had with teenage mothers, what you are feeling is completely normal, and not uncommon at all. 

however, these experiences have also taught me that actually having to care for a baby at this age, especially without the support of a committed and loving partner, IS VERY VERY DIFFICULT.  most teens i work with start out very 'tough'... thinking they know what they are doing, and why don't i just get the hell out.  after about a week, they are in tears, and don't know how they are going to do this alone.  its a frightening prospect.

one thing you have to understand right up front is this... delivering a baby is like running a marathon... its stressful, painful, exhausting work.  i can take hours or days.  and afterwards, you have a very small, very fragile little person who is TOTALLY DEPENDANT ON YOU for everything.  so not only are you exhausted from the delivery, but now you have a very demanding job for the next 20 years that you can't walk away from, even when you just need to take a break in the worst way. 

for the first few months, this very demanding and dependant little person will undoubtedly need to be changed and fed every 2-4 hours, even during the night.  so even though every pore of your body, right down to the very core of your being is crying 'I NEED TO SLEEP!!!!', you will have to wake up and gently and lovingly care for this little person whenever they need you.  now, as an adult with a partner this is STILL very difficult, and i've had 16 kids over the years.  as an 18 year old woman, your body is still going through the final stages of growth which means you need sleep.  more than i do, even.   and i guarantee that as a mother of a young child, you aren't going to get that.

now, take your exhausted, sleepless self, and add to that the reality of the very loud and constant sound of a babies cry.  even the infants i've had who didn't have colic could be very loud at all hours of the day and night.  waking up to that sound, when you feel like you just got back to sleep after the last feed can make you very frustrated, and even very angry. 

on top of that, you need to have money to make rent, and to buy diapers, formula, etc etc etc.  so you need to go to work in the morning.  this will undoubtedly make you even angrier, and this child won't stop screaming... this is when accidents happen, bluechicken.   and some accidents that happen at moments like these can never be undone.

honestly, bluechicken... it is so normal to have that maternal instinct kick in right now.  what you are feeling is simply mother nature telling you that it's time to get out there and prolong the species.  however, you are an educated and wise young female... i know this because you actually have the smarts to address this here, rather than just go out and impregnate yourself.  you need to wait until you have a committed and loving partner, and a stable environment that allows you to be the best mother you can possibly be, because your child deserves nothing less than that. 

sorry this is so long. 

I appriciate the fact that you took so much time to address my issue.  Some of your points are valid.  I was hit by a car last year - and if that wasn't enough to prepare me for the pain of birth I have no idea what would.  Because of the accident, I also became a minor insomniac and have become accustomed to a lack-of-sleep.  I know I have a home with my parents so long as I am attending school or working part-time, so I wouldn't need to worry about that side of things.  However, I do know that having someone tottaly dependent upon me would be new - and in no way do I expect to get everything right on the first try - thankfully I have a great relationship with my mother and I know she would be there for me.  I know that it wouldn't be easy. 

I believe though that my maternal thinking is different than others my age... it is really strong.  So much so that I volunteer myself as a Sparks leader for the Girl Guides of Canada.  That is the youngest group that the GGC runs - all five or six years old. 

Holding the doll yesterday was also a very strong feeling... not that of a child.

I do want to get married.  I want my children to be both mine and my husband's aswell.  I guess what  I fear is because I'm such a shy person, I would never be able to meet the man that I will have children with.  I'm also not about to wantonly throw away my virginity either.  If I don't find a man that I love that loves me in return that I could have children with then I would choose invitro.

Why is my feeling so strong? 

Also off topic - why is it socialy unacceptable for me to get pregnant now but wasn't so in the past  all the way through to the 1940's?

i think that you've got the right idea... volunteering in places where you are able to work with young kids is a great way to deal with mother natures pull on you right now.  young girls especially need to look at older women and have positive role models, and someone like you who has a good relationship with your mother, and has such a strong understanding of how important it is to choose your sexual partners VERY CAREFULLY can only be a good thing, and i'm sure that the mothers of those girls you work with really appreciate what you are doing!!!

your feeling is so strong because you are a woman coming into her own.  once you get into your late teens and early 20's, your hormones really rev up, and when you ovulate your maternal instincts are activated.  from here on in, your hormones are going to RAGE through your body in ways you've never experienced before.  for me, it was just brutal... when i would ovulate, i would suddenly become turned on, then within seconds feel an overwhelming guilty feeling...  after high school, i went into nursing, and i trained in the neonatal ICU at about the time i ovulated, and after every shift i walked out the door determined to concieve a child THAT VERY NIGHT ( i got married when i was 19).  the whirlwind was phenomenal.  mother nature is a cruel master, i tell you.

as far as the 'social acceptability' of it all, i think that the time you are referring to, the 1940's, was a completely different time.  women at that time were seen as property, and not people, which is why it was customary for a woman to have her fathers last name, and then change it to her husbands last name when she married.  so, a father would raise his daughter, and then give her away to a new man at marriage, which usually took place when his daughter was still young, so he could get her out of the house before she became a drain on his finances.  as soon as she married, she would get pregnant.  being an unwed mother was DEFINETLY taboo back then as well, in fact even moreso.  women were married young, and thus were pregnant young too. 

so yeah, pregnancy was definetly unacceptable back in the 40's if you weren't married. 

trust me here... NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU FOR THE PAIN OF BIRTH.  i mean honestly.  i know i sound condescending and trite and you probably just want me to go away, but just trust me on this one.  you are passing what amounts to a bowling ball through your pelvis and out of your vagina.  your pelvic bones crack, your vagina rips and tears... and the contractions that your body creates to get that little person from inside to outside your body are simply nothing that can even be described.  however, its important to understand that this isn't the most painful part of having a child...

If giving birth isn't the most painful what is?  Letting go of your children as they get older?

well, thats tough too...

what is painful is that moment at 4am that you are holding this little screaming person... your vagina hurts, you haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days, you are so exhausted you can hardly stand up and keep your eyes open, and your 'baby blues' have started and you feel like you have just made the biggest mistake of your entire life and now there is no turning back...

at that point, you are standing on the edge of a cliff.  the media abounds with stories of mothers just like me who made a decision at that point that they regret for the rest of their lives. 

when you look at that little screaming child, and feel NOTHING... especially after all the excitement you felt at hearing you were pregnant, all the love and affection you felt for this child during your pregnancy, and after everyone tells you that as a mother you are going to feel this tremendous outpouring of love etc etc etc and you feel nothing at all for this baby except anger because you are EXHAUSTED, in pain, really on your very last nerve...

that is the most painful part of having an infant. 

if you can, read a book called 'down came the rain' by brooke shields.  she puts into words very well what that moment is like.

It's common for teenage girls to want a baby.  It is such a romantic ideal.  THe thought that someone will love you best in all the world is really exciting.

The realities of parenthood is totally different.

Sighs has alluded to childbirth.  I worked in obstetrics.  I saw tons of women deliver and man, i was stunned by the day.  And the next two weeks. 

Peeing for the first time.  Oh my Goddddddd.

That little mouth on your breast causing great pain. 

Having a bowel movement .  yikes.   Was it worse to have it or try to put it off another day.

the first time you have sex again.  Don't even ask about the tears.

And the constant feeding of the baby.  You dont' get out of your very unflattering nightie for two weeks.  What's the point.  Feed baby for 1 hour.  flop on your bed for 30 minutes.  grab a glass of milk.  Feed baby again.  Was it only 90 minutes ago you put the baby down.

don't kid yourself.  THe first month of a bay is a big blurr .  And I had my mom live with me for two weeks.  And my dad who did all the shopping.  Did i say my mom did all the cleanng, cooking, laundry?  and my hubby everyone was there to help me.  I am a baby nurse, I know all about it and i was exhausted.

but having the baby is just that biological hurdle that nature gives us.  You don't really mind, you are programed to deal with it.

but a child? 

that is time, commitment, money. 

As women , we are needed to replace our selves.  We are genetically programed to reproduce.  But give your self some time.  You mention part time work and that you are finished high school.

What are you going to do with your life.  Just have this one child?  WHat about a career in children related fields.

consider being a nurse and working in pediatrics.  Early child care training.  Perhaps a univeristy degree and teaching.  there are tons of jobs that focus on kids. 

and while you are doing that, you will find a mate.  Someone who loves you and also loves kids.  you will find the time to have that family.  and your education will stand you in good stead to becoming a mother.

A child isn't a puppy.  that child will take all of your time, all of your money and all of your energy for decades.  and that is if everything goes well.  If it doesn't??

I agree with lastpointe. Get into a field where you deal with babies on a daily basis such as Early childheed education speciaialize in the baby section in that area you are required to deal with up to 3 babies this will giv you the experience for having your own with a loving partner later in life.

Your matural instincts will be well utilized.

You seem like a very ingelligent woman. God Bless

Thank all of you for your input.  It means a lot to me that you would take time to help me figure this out.  I will wiat, I guess I'll just have to get used to ths feeling.  I do volunteer with children so hopefully that will help to quel it.  Thank you again.

Really think about careers that work with children.  You may have a real gift for it.

If you aren't interested in university, look at the college programs out there. 

And if you have alot of spare time right now, contact a local elementary school ir inner city school and ask if they need tutors, readers, helpers........ 

you know what i would reccommend would be a career in social work, bluechicken... just from what you've said here, you seem to have a lot of insight, and the surprisingly rare capability to LISTEN TO OTHERS.  you don't know how rare that is!!

personally, just based on what you have described here, i would be honoured to work with you as a foster care worker... i think that you would be one of those unique social workers with the insight to see what the child wants and weigh that against what is best for the child and the family...

please, look into that.  i've only seen a few posts of yours here, but you seem very wise for your years.

Hey BlueChicken,

I can't say as I felt the same thing as you but I think it's mostly because I'm not a fan of children. My mom's a teacher and she's great, awesome, amazing with the kids and I realised at a young age that I was not ment for that kind of thing.

What I can say is about the school side of things. You said ou were wanting to go to University. I can't possiby imagine trying to fit school work in with what everyone is describing having a newborn is like. I'm up half the night as it is finishing school work, I can't possibly fathom adding in a baby. Also with a University education you'll more than likely be able to better afford a baby and the life I'm sure you'll want to give it.

Welcome to Wondercafe BlueChicken!

It's obvious that you're a "carer". It can be an uncaring world.

I don't know what your career plans are but my daughter's also a carer and graduated this year as a BScN, go her RN papers and is loving her job. She is working had as a carer, and as a team member.

Being a parent is really a team game. If you don't have the personal, family and community support, it can be tough enough to really make the experience the joyful one it should be: for you AND your child.

Think about it.

 A LONG time ago, and even today in other cultures. an 18-year old is ripe mother material. God created us to have maternal instincts to go with our maternal bodies.

But then in developing countries they also live in poverty.  And a long time ago the culture was different.  Families lived in close proximity to each other and mothers, sisters, aunties and grandmas all shared a common load.  The younger learned from the elder in the process. Sadly that is not the way anymore.   Everyone thinks they need their own PERSONAL 1000square feet of space. 

Volunteering and working in the field is an excellent idea. 

Read the RED TENT by Anita Diamant.  A truly wonderful novel about the 'society of women' back in the days of Jacob in Genesis. You will really enjoy it.

i LOVED 'the red tent'... i cried at the end when i realized all that we had lost as a society...

I'll definately look into the book 'Red Tent'. 

I just realized how many people have complimented me - thanks everyone.  If that isn't a boost for the self-image than nothing is.

 i LOVED 'the red tent'... i cried at the end when i realized all that we had lost as a society...

* * *

yes I like how women were treated when their periods came. Sign me up for that.

totally.  although i could do without the polygamy thing.

no problem... it is certainly well deserved, bluechicken.

Hi Bluechicken,

I think everyone here has said it all. I'm not a mom, but having survived adolescence, I certainly see the world VERY differently than I did when I was just finished high school. It's worth giving yourself time to grow and meet someone special before becoming the awesome Mom you're going to be some day.  :-)

 although i could do without the polygamy thing

* * *

yes, there is that however. But they didn't know any different so to them it was the norm. Not to say jealousies didn't arise though...

18 is a time in your life when everything is just from the viewpoint of  the tip of the iceberg and you don't see what lies beneath, of course your feeings are normal and that's great ,but what you are feeling is a very euphoric combination of hormones making you crazy.Having a child is a world of responsibilty very difficult to do on your own, you need a huge support system of family and more family and friends community.

You haven't been in a relationship so you really have no idea of the commitment factor that comes with any type of relationship , I would try to experience a bit of life before being so sure , like dating, sure kids are nice when you have to take care of them for a few hours a day but imagine the 24/7 commitment for about the next 20 years of your life, when I was in my 20's being tied down was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to party, travel, date, and in short have a life of freedom.

Its a great thing that you are going to university though, it will open your eyes to a life of opportunities and hopefully allow you to direct your energy in other areas.

Women have numerous opportunities to do anything they want in this world.

And biology does not have to be destiny.

Hey blue.

I just wanted to add my thoughts to some of the above posts.  I think it is great that you love children and knowing in your soul that you want to be a mother is great.  I know at 18 I would have given a similar answer.  I loved kids and knew that I wanted to be a mother with every fibre of my being....SOMEDAY.

I think it is great you volunteer with kids and I would strongly echo the thought that you may want to explore working with kids quite seriously.  But I would also strongly agree with the idea that sticking with your original plan of getting an education, falling in love and developing a serious partnership with someone who shares your love of children and will take that journey with you as a true partner will enrich your parenting experience.  It is worth waiting for.

I am 25, mother of two. I was nineteen when I became pregnant with my first child. We used protection, the pill and Condoms, but somehow it happened.

18 is a difficult age to be. You are not a child any longer. You are legally an adult. But in so many ways, 18 is still child like.  I can guarantee you that any site you go on, and post that you are thinking of having children, 99.9% of the responses will not be in your favor.

Nothing prepares you for childbirth and motherhood. I was without drugs for my second delivery and the pain is nothing that can be described. I had the meds but not soon enough for my first and still there is so much pain. Unless in your car accident it felt like your lower back is going to explode into ten thousand million pieces, your internal organs felt like they were being torn apart, and your female reproductive organs were dropped into hot molten lava and sliced at by Edward scissor hands.

That being said, its wonderful that you are working with children. The Girl guides of Canada is such a wonderful organization, I was a JL myself, and a member since sparks! I know the commitment that must be made to be a member.

Again, I was 19 when my oldest was born. I knew that I always wanted children, but I was not ready. Its such a permanent thing. You are responsible for that being. Every decision you make from the moment of conception until your last breath you need to consider how it will affect your children. You have this little thing that comes without instructions, is unpredictable and completely dependant on you for everything.

And what about the father? Will you marry him? There is such a stigma attached to unwed parents, as I was one. I can tell you stories.  And being a single mother? Wow Hard. My sister is on her own with two kids. its tough even at 28. How will you support yourselves? If you work, Who will watch and evidently raise your child for you? If you don't, Are your parents planning on taking over as bred winner for you and your child? Will you have to live with them?

I agree that waiting is the best thing. Wait until you have had time to get married. Time to enjoy life as a wife. Enjoy life with a husband before all of your time and energy is devoted to children.  Marriage takes work. Lots of work. Especially in the beginning.  Its an adjustment. It was hard for me to do so,  with a young child.

God gave you free will. We can't make the decision for you.  We also should not judge you. We don't know you, your relationship with the potential father, your maturity level. Trust me on this one, if you still feel that you are ready, Go talk with your mother. She knows you best.

Good luck.

Woah. I am older than you, findingmyway, and I can't IMAGINE being a mom right now. I think someday it is something I would like, but at the moment I have no idea how I'd fit a child into my life. Heck, I don't even have a DOG because of amount of care they need. And having children involves exponentionally more complexity and responsibility than a pet.

I admire your courage findingmyway. Thanks for sharing your experience with all of us.

  Just remember one thing, BlueChicken.  Once a baby is conceived there is no turning back.  There is no Refunds or Exchange Department where you can exchange it.  The baby is yours, forever - or at least for the next 18 years.  Every day, every week, every month, every year. 

 You are very young and still growing and you have plenty of time to give birth.  There is no rush, life is not a race, it's a journey.  Take your time, enjoy your life, make friends, find a decent man to make a life with.  You deserve no less.  And whomever you give birth to many years from now, deserves at least that much from you - a well-rounded, caring mother and father, with lots of  real life experience to pass on as your child grows up.