I absolutely cannot imagine anyone in the world having the cojones to ask anyone such an intensely personal question.

Just yuck. If you flinch and look nauseous everytime someone brings it up, do you think they might stop? I'd perfect that "I think you have dogshit on your shoe" face, if I were you.

I have children. I don't expect that I will have grandchildren anytime soon, and in fact, both of my youngest have told me very definitely that children are not in their plans, at least not biological children. I said the same at one point in my life. If they have children, they do, if they don't, they don't.

Personally, I think it is incredibly rude to ask someone a question about their plans for babies.  Nobody needs to feel pressured into doing something so life changing as starting a family.  Sometimes a couple do want babies but for some reason or other aren't getting pregnant.  Sometimes they just don't want kids and the challenges that go with them.  It is a choice for a couple to make together as best they can.

The bottom line is - it isn't someone else's job (or right) to bring up this topic.

One of my adult kids had some of this pressure and they decided to be COLDLY and POINTEDLY rude in return.    "That information has been held privately between us and our doctor for some time now.   What possible reason do you have for asking for it"

The medical profession will do it for fear of risk....especially if there is an impact to you. I get that.

Others, friends, family really have no business asking.

I understand the medical issues, I just felt like 4 times in about 4 months was a little much (plus the pharmacists).

The MIL wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION!  I asked chemguy to talk to her about it, but I think he finds my eyerolls when we're on the phone amusing.  Maybe when he acts sees her in person.

As for everyone else, I just discovered how easy I had it!  I've heard of other people complain about it, but I guess the group I'm with is just different that way.  With people acting like this now, I can't imagine how bad it must have been 20+ years ago.

I married my first husband in the early 80s.  I knew I had no interest in ever having children, but all the older ladies that I knew chuckled and said that would certainly change when I got married.  They were all much more experienced in life than I was, so I kept it in mind.

However, before we married I made it very clear that if he wanted to marry me, that there would be a very high likelihood that there would be no children in the marriage.  If he ever wanted children, I was not the right person.  He accepted that and his choice was to marry me.

My family never pressured me, however his family/friends did on occasion, especially in the early years.  My response to "when are you two starting a family? wink wink" was always a simple flat out "Never", and I didn't offer to discuss it any further.

The inquiries became fewer and farther between as time went on, and they all finally gave up I guess, lol.  The marriage ended after 18 years.

Now, I am 12 years younger than my current hubby, who has grown kids, and I felt a vague expression of worry from his family that I might drag him into starting a whole new family of kids with me (after all, I didn't have any, so I must want some, lol).  I assured them that I just have absoutely no interest in having/raising kids. 

chemgal, it can be rude for people to pressure you, and I think your MIL is out of line.  Maybe you can just be up front with her the next time she does it by telling her its not up for discussion, until you want it to be.  If you shut her down the same way every time she does it, she will likely back off.

For the mil, I can think of two different answers.  One would be, 'Why don't you ask your son?' and put the burden on him.   The other, in my mind preferred, would be to say that 'my health issues make it inadvisable'.   And you could add, "We are very happy and enjoying life as it is.'

Friends and coworkers don't need an explanation.  'Never' should settle things pretty quickly.  Or 'We're enjoying life as a couple right now.  We want to keep it that way.'

For you doctor - remind her that you have made up your minds and that babies are not in the picture.  If you have to say it every month - it still shouldn't be a problem.  I doubt if your doctor means to pressure you - more to be sure that you know the risks involved and to be onboard if you change your mind.

Tell people that you hate children and you don't want to contribute to their numbers. If the questioner has children, point to their children as the reason for your decision.

Worked for me for years.

Chemguy gets it from his mom too.  He's just a little more used to her repeatitious nature I think.

He also gets it worse from my coworkers, he sees them more often!

lol We've both gotten the respone that 'we'll change our minds' when we've told people that we just don't want kids.  Funny, most parents don't get that response once they have had them ;)

You're not helping!  That's probably why we're constantly told we will change our minds - parents like you!

It's funny how it changes so much depending on the group too.  Maybe generations past we just more polite?

I went to a party hosted by my younger sister, and there was a couple with an adorable baby.  I didn't even bother to ask if I could hold the baby as it was the first time I met them, no one else had been holding her, and I was drinking a decent amount of wine.  Near the end of the night, when I was interacting with the baby a bit, the mom then asked me if I wanted to hold her.  When I took her she started telling my sister how great it is when someone else will hold her so she can get a break and she loves when her mom visits for that very reason!  lol Had I known, I would have held her for most of the party.

I turns out most of the people at that party don't like babies, and most knew each other, which is why the mom hadn't asked anyone if they wanted to hold the baby.  lol I love babies, as long as they aren't mine!

understood chemgal.

I also know a woman who was devastated when her husband of 20 years left her to marry a younger woman and have kids.  I think you can also find the opposite is true, someone who thinks they want kids, and then, after having them realizes they aren't cut out to be a parent and leaves a relationship.

Either way sucks...so taking the time to explore and learn about each other is a good way to go, along with openness.

(I used to get those questions from people about kids...who presumed I only had one..nto realizing that yes, we had lost many others....those who know the complexities of birthing / parenting don't ask.  those that ask are naive or rude)

Everyone knew I wasn't serious. But if someone tried to put me on the spot like that, I'd turn it around and put them on the spot. The questions stop.

The other obvious answers include, "None of your business," and "Get lost."

And once you have kids, it doesn't stop- you are into baby competition - and have to listen to boasting about kids /grandkids walking at three month of age, getting their first teeth before everybody else,starting to talk, learning musical instruments at 2.

And your kid isn't potty trained yet? It still uses the pacifier? You haven't signed it up for swimming lessions yet? You really need to do something about those temper tantrums.

You mean 'if', not 'once' :)

Just teasing Chansen!

I've been saying that I do not plan on having kids since I was 14 or 15 years old. I am now 33 and have been married 11 years (well it'll be 11 years on Oct 28) and I still have no intention of having kids.  My Mom and his Mom both still seem to be having trouble grasping this.  The comment that really makes my blood boil is "You'll change your mind about kids once you have a baby" ... arrgghhhhh.  I have come very close to screaming at people who hardly know me when they ask when I am going to have a baby.  I have yelled at my Mother for gettting too pushy about it.  There are way too many people out there who seem to want to go out of their way to try to make me feel inadequate or like I am some kind of un-natural creature for not wanting to have kids.

We're not going to have kids. Although Iam still capable, bioligically I probably have a few years still--I don't think it's a good idea for other reasons. Raising a child would be very hard for me to manage (not that it's easy for anyone but I have  few additional challenges..my partner and I both have our own disabilities...one invisible, one fairly mild, but still challenges to think about). One of which being I would be an older mom and my child would be in his or her 20's as I was heading into my golden years. I like kids, but other peoples' in smaller doses! I am probably not cut out to be a mom for a number of reasons, physical, financial and otherwise and have come to accept that. We have a lot on our plates as it is, and it just wouldn't be fair to bring a child into our existing challenges. We both have come to that realization, and to tell you the truth, are not too sad about it.  In my early thirties I had these weird "mommy pangs", but they've kind of passed. And, logic overcame the biological urge. Not to mention, my own mother said she would not support my decision to have kids(it wasn't an imminent deicsion just something I was thinking about)... she said I'd be without her help. Not very nice I don't think, but that's what she said a few years ago.

Alternatively, my partner's parents are old fashioned and I think they'd be delighted if we had kids, on one level, on another they're just happy we have each other and are looking after one another. They are a very close family oriented culture and worry about their son so far away, and will as long as they live or unless we lived closer. They already have grandkids though, from my sister in law, so they're not missing out on the grandparent experience. But still, my partner is their oldest son and where they come from, that's a big deal--so they are being exceptionally gracious and "progressive thinking" about it, considering, I think.. I have a friend from the same former country whose parents said they wouldn't come visit her here unless she had a baby. I found that shocking. It turns out she has had some issues holding her back from getting pregnant, and she and her partner decided to adopt a dog. Not the same as a kid, I know, but he's their "baby". I haven't heard the latest on how her parents feel about that.

I have a friend that had her tubes tied about 40 years ago. She went from doctor to doctor trying to have this done and no doctor would do this for her because they insisted she would change her mind. She finally found a doctor that would do this for her and is now in her 60's and both she and her husband have no regrets about their decision.

Another couple I know are childless. I've know them for about 10 years and both are now in their 50's. I have no idea why they do not have children and the topic never comes up.

My middle child is 30, unmarried and for the time being seems to be enjoying his life as single......thanks for the reminder to stop badgering him, LOL!

Many years ago two girlfriends and myself were sitting around yakking . . . we weren't super close, but we were good friends.  Two of us had children, the other one didn't, but had been married for a few years.  I just very casually asked about whether they thought they were going to have a family.  Almost in tears, she responded that they had been trying, but it wasn't happening, and that they were seeing a fertility doctor, and they were sad that they couldn't have a family.  I felt very bad . . . I never asked anyone ever again when they were going to start a family.

A friend of mine who is actively dating, is not interested in ever having children.  She said one day that it surprised her that most men just didn't believe her when she said this.  Even though she made it plain and clear, they would start talking about making a family, so she left.  They all think a woman will change, but if a woman says this, I think she should be taken very seriously, because it goes against the mainstream.

A friend's son was living with a girl for about seven years.  She had said many times she did not want children.  For some reason, he stayed, and then when he pressed the issue, he was devastated when she held firm, duh.  He just didn't believe her.

I wanted to get my tubes tied in my late 20s, and my doctor just laughed at me.  He said no surgeon would touch me til I was over 30. So, I waited and bugged him once I was the right age.  In the meeting with the surgeon, he nearly fell off his chair when I told him I didn't have any children, lol.  Apparently, he had never had a patient like me before.

So, he insisted that he had to have another meeting, with my husband included.  This was nearly 20 years ago, but I thought it should really be my decision.  My husband was certainly aware of it, we discussed it at length, and he was absolutely unwilling to have a vasectomy.  Anyway, the second meeting went well, and I had the procedure.  Best thing I ever did!!

Beloved, that's tough.  I don't think it needs to be a taboo subject, but when it is discussed, it shouldn't be treated as if there is only one right answer!

Oui, I've heard of people having the same issue.  Even when it comes to IUDs, some doctors aren't comfortable inserting them in young women.

I have a family member who dated a man, married them, all along being very clear no kids.  They bought a house, nice & small -- again, no kids.  About 5 years into the marriage, 10 years into the relationship, he left for a woman with children.  

I think that it is ok to change your mind.  It can be hard, but, the reality is, it is a major decision and people change.

I think it's just fine to change your mind.

I think it's bizarre and wyrd to expect someone else to change their mind because you want them to...

right now, i can't imagine pressuring my kids to give me grandchildren... they can do whatever they want.  raising children is HARD WORK.

i know that with my track record of saying 'i will NEVER do (insert thing that my parents did to me that i really hated here) to MY children!!' always seems to change as time goes on, though, so who knows.