Welcome adot23, and thank you for sharing a portion of yourself with us.

 Just trust in God for he has everything planned and will take care of you.

Welcome. I hope the cafe is good for you.

Hello adot23 and welcome to the WonderCafe,

Well, I suspect that similarly abled individuals who are straight experience the same difficulty.  Human beings, by and large, do not deal with differences with a lot of grace our courage.  Many will look at you as being broken because of your chair.  Those people probably wouldn't have a lot to offer you to begin with.

So, think of your chair not as a disability, but rather as a filter.  Only the brave are going to dare draw near and they will have much to offer you.

Or, they don't know what to think or, you really don't know what they think because the dialogue has been paused.

It could be that they think and feel about your future pretty much the way you think about it.  That you are drawing from a statistically smaller pool of available partners and in that statistically smaller pool you have to find an even smaller statistical pool who can look past the chair.

It might also be that they do not know a whole lot about homosexuality and are contending with a lot of information that is unhelpful because of the ideology it comes from.

Continuing the dialogue might be difficult.  The door has been opened and you can't really shut it again.

That is a distinct possibility.  I don't know that it helps to paint everyone with the same brush though.  Every oyster does not contain a pearl.  By the time you find the pearl though, you could have boughten every oyster that failed to reveal the treasure you sought.

I don't know if finding that special person is easier without such visible obstacles.

Confidence attracts.  You know what you have to offer so offer that.  Don't think of the chair as an anchor holding you back.

I don't know how many oysters you are going to have to go through to find your pearl.

I wouldn't be surprised to find that it is on par with what all the oysters everyone else has to go through.

Grace and peace to you.

John

John,

Thank you, for taking the time that you did in breaking down certin parts of my coming out story with an example and clarification.

I see where I am wrong now and fragile when talking with others - trying to 'hide' talking about my chair...you realy did help and gave me that extra courage I needed!

Where is Wolfie and his rainbow chair when you need him. Good to hear your story Adot. Very wise people in the Cafe.

Hi Adot,

I think RevJohn made a really good point about your chair being a "filter." The people you meet with and connect with are likely to be those who are more open-minded and willing to see you for who you are. 

I don't personally know anyone in your situation, but I am aware of one straight couple through a friend where the guy is a paraplegic. His partner met him and became involved with him when he was already in his chair. I've never met him myself, but from what I've heard he is an energetic, confident individual with lots of outside interests. I'm sure that is a large part of why they are together...he is probably a great person for her. 

I'm sure you too have many great qualities, but maybe you don't feel the confidence to share them with those around you yet. It's the same for many of the people I have known (friends, etc.). Even though they have nothing on the surface that marks them out as "different" in the way that your wheelchair may seem to do, it is still hard for them to have confidence and meet people. For you, I acknowledge there is an added challenge, and I don't want to say you are sure to find someone, because I don't think I can make that claim. But I hope you can find some ways to feel confident and comfortable with the way you are.

Oh dear, I hope this is not sounding condescending. It is hard to write it out the way I want to. I wish you all the best, and welcome to the Cafe!

I have to br honest a great persentige of why am I fearful and somewhat ashamed is because my family is VERY religious. All my life I have been a religious person - at a young age I had a accedint where I fel and hit my head on a pach of ice... Now I don't wish to go in great depth of that story, but when I was transfered over to another hospital from the other I knew I was changing. Not in a bad or negative way of course, but that I began to have a interest in this one doctor. I mean I would make every excuse to see him in his office.

Over time I learned the name of this interests in the same sex and I learned how society, family and friends put a lable on the word ''gay'' and that the homosexual community is stigmatized - as my brother expressed in yelling when I told him finaly.

So I would learn how to supress these feeling and create a wall to hide it and allow my faith to shine out over top of it. Not treating the pain. if you will, rather masking it.

For many years I maniged to get pass, with struggles mind you, but nontheless I was able to hid it. As I mentioned at the top, with the help of my teacher I took down the wall, brik by brik. I couldn't supress it any more; the more I tryed I hurt myself and God in the prosses. I was transfering to college, a big step, not only in my coming out, but no one every thought the day would come when I graduated and mobing on to college. In my situation the doctors said nothing will become of me. But here I am! Whats even more great I am starting to walk again on my own.

You might find a kindred spirit in Freundly. he's expewrienced similar issues with being gay in a cery fundamentalist family.

Welcome to the Cafe adot23! I just came out to my mother a few months ago (asking how was my first post on this forum :D) I haven't told my sister yet but she doesn't hate any body so when I finally do I'm sure it'll go okay and I am yet to tell my closest friend who is pretty much my brother, I know that he wont mind and that it wont change our friendship but it's such a nerv raking thing to do I keep putting it off...(his brother is gay so I don't even know what I'm worried about XD). It's great that you are starting to walk again!

Hey Sebb,

I understand what you mean, I only came out to a selected few of my friends and that was nerv raking in itself, but shown to be okay like why did I worry in telling them lol! But I only told those of my friends that I kinda knew that they be cool about it. Not the stressful part is telling my other friends!!!! The question came to me, why do I have to tell anyone anyway... I think of friendship like a marrige per say; in the one feels they they should be open and honest with them, seacrets hurt. So thst's why I taking baby steps (both literaly and in terms of coming out lol) 

thanks for the bro! 

Chair isn't as big an issue as you are letting it be. My good friend's husband is in a chair-and has been since 16. They feel in love anyways-and 2 kidsand 20 years later

Actually that's not quite right-they met BECAUSE he was using a chair and competing in a tack and field meet. I have certianly been interested in a guy who used a chair but (sigh) he was married!

Rick Hansen married.

You see the rest of us are just temorarily  able bodied!

Now I'll let our wiser friends continue on about orientation....

I been thinking as I read all the posts in this thread I made, thank you for helping me "see the light", for incouraging me and helping me understand.

For a few weeks before I desided to write my coming out story here I was reading stories of others, how they came out, where, when and how. As I was reading theres it motavated me to write my story; to get it out in the open and finaly start talk about it.

Rev. John is wright to use my chair as a "filter" rather an obstacle. Likewise, Tabitha, is wright my chair isn't as big as I made it seem. Before when I was talking to guys, I will be honest, I was imature, looking at my situation as a hopeless cace.... I am 23 years old (24 in three months), I have to start taking more controle, wake up, have more respect and confidence in myself as well in others.

Thank you

Hi adot23,

Well, not wrong but human.

We all have things we try to hide behind.  We need to take extra care not to let the things we try to hide behind be what defines us.

You are more than your chair.

Grace and peace to you.

John

It took me till I was 30 to make that realization but I will share that once doing so it set me free to find out who I really was.  Wishing you all the best Adot23 as you begin the journey; don't let the bumps in the road knock you off course.

LB

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.           Anais Nin

Thank you LB!

After church today I had a long in depth talk with my priest. He is very down to earth a very passionate for the Lord. We joke that not only is he my priest, but my shrink too lol

Hey adot, nice to see you here! I'm sure you've gotten a lot of encouraging already, and I'd read it but I have to be at school in ten minutes. In my expiriences I finde a lot of gay guys a little shallow and trashy, it can be hard sometimes to find a genuinely good one. The only guys your wheel chair is going to scare away are the ones who are no good for you anyways. You'll meet someone who cares about YOU and has absolutely no problem seeing passed a chair.

There is the world of online dating

Welcome to the 21st century  ..... you gotta be positive and look forward and upward

Online dating provides a way to interact without meeting rightaway you can be upfront about your status and chat with potential members who are not scared of who you are ...

No negativity whether you are gay or straight sexy is a sense of humor and being progressive about where you wanna be and where you wanna go .

You know it's not the wheelchair it's the attitude ...

Stay wary of the fetish groups though ... yes there are so called disability fetish groups

Dealing with somebody who has this type of fetish  on the other hand, is an alarming situation since this is a type of pathological disorder any more than women want some dude who is into toes.

Good luck

Hello Adot,

I echo the sentiments about not letting the chair get in the way.  When I was a young girl, my step-cousin married who I considered to be the most wonderful man in the world - who was in a wheel chair.  I was sure that I'd never be able to meet and marry anyone quite as amazing, sincere, smart, funny, sensitive and a brother to all - there was never anyone like him.  You know, unfortunately, he died -so tragically,  in a car crash a few years later.  My cousin has never remarried - not for 28 years!  and she raised their kids on her own - so, I guess he was a hard act to follow.

It's a sad story, I realize but  I just wanted to put my oar in with RJ about using your chair as a filter and getting on with just being who you are to the best of your ability.

Greetings!

Hey adot, sounds like you are attaining a lot of strength and courage as you begin to show to others who you really are.  In our world there are a lot of amazing, wonderful, special people . . . and I hope the one you are meant to share your love and life with will come along at the right time in your life.  Don't settle for less.

Hope, peace, joy, love ...

Welcome to a new chapter in your life.

I tryed that dating sites,  tryed them all well at least thoes that are free. The gay night clubs and bars are not accesable; I don't understand how to find a guy if I'm not able to go out to these places. Some dating website - the guys want one thing which is really low, then I wonder whats the use.

I just don't know.

^ Just a thought, but among the straight dating websites anyway, the people who use the free sites tend to be looking for sex.  People who use the ones that cost money, tend to be looking for a relationship.

(Just personal observation from myself and a couple friends who have said the same thing.)

There are, of course, exceptions all over the place.

YW thank you for your posting. The reason why I use the free dting sites is because I don't have any credit cards, money... Im a college student

adot, does your college have a GBLT group?  If you live in a mid to large city there might be a GBLT zine that would probably love volunteers.  You could look online for groups in your area that you could join where you could meet people, make friends and go from there.

Thanks for the heads-up much appriceated! (my spelling is shit lol sorry)

I agree with Somegirl.  Sometimes it helps with the anxiety levels to just go to a GLBT discussion group or a restaurant meeting. 

If you live where there's a university nearby, you're all set.  Just an email or phone call away from a resource centre.  Even in medium-sized towns, there's usually groups that get together at a pub or coffee shop.  It's a lot less pressure to just go and have fun getting to know people and talking about things that are important to you. And don't worry about finding the right one.  Enjoy yourself and someone who thinks you rawk might be there too.

If you're really nervous, get a friend (gay or straight) to come with you for moral support.

Or, look for an Metropolitan Community Church or Affirming United Church. They have socials, and do social justice work, including fundraisers, together. It's a great way to meet people who are supposed to be more or less guaranteed (lololol) to see the man, not the chair.

Thanks ninja for the suggestio! I never reay thought to talk to a counselor at my college to get some refrences here... I just made a meeting to see him this afternoon.

Bette that is an interesting suggestion also! Thank you both!!  Because Im Catholic I never thought to seek other denominations for socials... But Im on wondercafe lol a UC based site. I love this thanks!

You are at a college-you should be surrounded by tons of single folks dome who will be gay.!

Make friends, talk to those in your classes, go for coffee, join any club and get involved.

Connect to people and you may discover that special someone to share your intersests.

Good luck

I imagine life must get very dark / questioning for you at times adot23.

If you project in your head that being in a wheel chair is a big deal, then it will show to others as they pervceive you. If you express a natural vitality to life, confidence, and personality then this will shine through any limitation you may have. 

There are a lot of trashy gay guys, just as there are straight ones. I think the younger the guy more judgemental they would be towards your chair. They just lack the life experience. Their vanity probably annoys me just as much as you. As they get older and have more negative relationship experiences they will be able to identify that soul is just as important as skin. Besides your arms must be incredable! ha ha 

At just 27 I look at the whole package, not just one aspect. My ex was very supermodel blond boy like and he ruined me inside. He is now married with a kid.  This experience has taught me to be very discerning about what goes on inside of a guy over what may being going on outside. 

You questioned why it was so important to come out to everyone around you... it is important. After hiding such a large part of yourself for so long - and having this eat away at you - to balance things out you need to affirm your true identity with anyone important in your life. Coming out is a good way of seperating the wheat from the chaff. You don't want to be friends that won't be friends with you because of your sexuality. You may find yourself with feelings of liberation but eventually things mellow out and your sexuality just becomes a part of who you are. 

adot23,

What about Dignity Canada, for GLBTQ Catholics?

Also, the Metropolitan Community Church welcomes people of all faiths. I used to attend while a practicing Jew and met some otherJewish folks there.  

Yes, for some your wheelchair may be an obstacle, for others, the ones who matter, it is just an object. Using it can work all the way around. Your chair can protect you if you want it to. You can hide behind it. I say that because I tried to hide behind an illness and only realized I was using it to hide behind when a woman dared me to stop.

Making this thread has helped a great dea, thank you everyone for posting your comments and expirences.

Now when I find myself talking to guys I am more up front with being in a wheelchair, as if to say, this is who I am at the moment take it or leave it. I don't say it in those words lol, but that's the jist of it.