Sorry, we have a joint account. Even steven.

    Once married you are each responsible for half the debt you each accumulate jointly during your marriage, so knowing one another's finanical situation is only fair.  

  There must be a way to earn a living from home though (I'd love to work at home, especially during winter), which might improve both the family finances & your personal financial independencce. 

I think you need to ask yourself why you don't want to tell your husband about your "climbing credit card debt."  Something is out of kilter in your marriage.  It sounds to me like you are trying to maintain an untenable appearance, in order to avoid a fight.  (Been there, done that.)  If you are afraid to tell your husband the truth, maybe you could talk to a third party first, and get some support for the talk with your husband.  A pastor, counselor would be ideal.  If not, what about a community support network?  Best of luck to you.

I used to keep financial things from my husband to avoid conflict. All this did was make me crazy. I found that when my husband new what the financial issues were it was easier to figure out a way out of it.

I do believe that you two need to talk about the change in your lifestlye because of you no longer earning an outside income. You are still contributing greatly to the household in a different but very important way. If you feel that you need to have a little bit for yourself that you do not have to be accountable for that should also be discussed. This is a partnership and you need to support each other.

Blessings

Musicsooths

Greetings!

Finances - one of the biggest stresses in a marriage/relationship.

I agree with others who have said that you need to sit down and have a discussion and talk about this and re-evaluate your finances and how you manage things.

I am a believer in that in a commited relationship/marriage that what comes into the home is part of that household's income and goes into the "pot" which pays all the bills and expenses for that family.  Sometimes one family member may bring in more, and another less - but all bills and expenses are paid out of the joint intake.  That doesn't mean that each partner cannot have a "little something" for themselves to spend on whatever they choose or to bank - again, this amount needs to be discussed and determined.

You mentioned not having worked since the birth of your 15 month old son . . . I think you both need to factor in that this is the important work you are doing at this time in your life and in your son's life.  And that your household budget has to accommodate this at this time until you return to work at some point, if that is your plan.

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

we're joint as well.  when we were first married we used his cheques to pay bills and my cheque would go into our savings account.  there were times i brought home more,  there were times he brought home more, but we both contributed to getting ahead. three years later we bought our first home.  needless to say since then, and with the addition of two little ones, it takes both of our incomes to make things work.  i was able to stay at home with my first for a year and a half, and at that time i didn't work at all, my husband "supported" OUR family and there was never a feeling of guilt about it.  a marriage is teamwork.  better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health, we push through it together.  (better is after three hour feedings are a thing of the past, worse is throwing a baby bottle at your husbands head induced by sleep deprevation, richer was after kids, poorer came after the house, sickness has seen the complexity of depression and the simplicity of stomach flu, and our health we are thankful for daily).

j

I use the back of an envelope for accounting, she uses an Excel, actual several, spreadsheets.

Hence, she does the accounting, I mail the cheques.

IT

Russ

Reply to RussP:  Yeah, I'm married to one like you.  That's why I pay the bills.  But I worry about him.  I worry what's going to happen if I die and he has to look after himself and our daughter.  I've tried to teach him Excel and how to pay bills online and with checks, and how to look after the computer.  I've said to him, "What happens if I die?"  And his answer is:  "Don't die." 

fakirs *lol*

Fakirs

Standard answer "I'm going to die first!"

But then I don't worry about best before dates on food.

IT

Russ

russp *lol*

you guys crack me up.

 MapleMel,

I can understand keeping a separate account.  I'm not married or engaged yet, but when it happens I think I'd like to keep an account in my name alone, along with a joint account.  That said, I would expect to have a general idea of what's in my husband's separate account, debts etc. and vice versa on an ongoing basis.

I think you need to realize you are both contributing to the household, just in different ways.  The flow of cash is primarily entering his account now, but you need to think stopping it as his money and more about the family's money.  Maybe looking at all the accounts together would help?  If he has a bunch of savings carrying credit card debt at the same time seems to be a huge waste of money to me.

I'm curious to see what others think as this is something I will probably need to think about in the next few years!

chemgal: great point about the credit card debt.  paying interest on unpaid debts is a waste of money.  money that could go toward something else.

even before engagement or marriage i never thought of seperate accounts.  maybe that was because of the household i was raised in.  my parents both worked and things were always joint.

this discussion has actually made me remember the movie the joy luck club.  i don't know if any of you have ever watched it, but there is one couple in it who tries to always keep everything fair.  everything is checks and balances.  they make a grocery list and she pays for the items she has on it and he pays for his.  it goes on for quite some time before the girl snaps when her cat, a gift from her husband, gets fleas and he wants her to pay for it.  she gets all angry because it was a gift and she feels she shouldn't have to pay for the fleas.  the blowout actually changes things and stabalizes their marriage.  it's just one of the many story lines in this movie that makes awesome.  it's a really spiritually uplifting movie.  anyhow, i know i got a little off topic there.  thanks for bearing with me on that *lol*

i hope you get everything figured out.

j

I know a couple who pay each other every month. He gets x amoumt and she gets x amount according to what they can afford. The rest goes into the common pot. What each uses their x for is irrelevant.

Finances seem to be a big problem in lots of marraiges.  We tend to be very young when we marry so can't discuss money with much experience.  Each of us may know that we do or don't want kids - but haven't talked about the things money is needed and wanted for.

We argued a lot about money for the first ten years or so.  Eventually we managed to talk about it knowing that this was a problem we had to fix.

For us the answer was to look seriously at the amount of money available and the regular and occasional expenses.  We split the available money into two joint accounts in two different banks.  I get 'these' dollars to pay 'these' expenses and my partner gets 'these' dollars to pay 'those' expenses.  We can each write cheques on both accounts - but always tell the other when this has happened and why.  We trust each other to pay the bills we are each responsible for.  A simple query tells us how much money is in the 'other' account.  I don't worry about car expenses and my partner is doesn't worry about whetheror not there will be food in the house.  This has lifted a lot of stress from both of us and works well.  If one of us is having difficulty paying bills we look at the money system again - together - without throwing a bunch of blame around.  This, to us, is a problem solving issue and different cures are used depending on circumstances.

He has a right to know about the credit card debt.  Just come clean.  It is more the fact that you are hiding this that is bothering him probably.  I support you in separate bank accounts though.  At this time though there really is no point since you are working.

H.L. Mencken once reflected that it's not necessary to know where your husband goes as long as you know where his money goes.

On the other hand-

One of my stranger moral values is that I never look in a woman's purse.

 My husband won't touch my purse with a ten foot pole.  If he needs access I tell him I will call off the trained scorpions I keep in there.

Well for all the women who enjoy endless fear of your purses...I envy you.  Everytime I wear my kilt (this friday last for example)  the girls in my school are always fingering at my pouch!!  Grr....

Then again there was also this girl who persistantly tried to find out what I was wearing underneath :S

Note to all of wondercafe:  If you don't like to walk in -30 weather...don't wear a kilt. :P

Happy Hannukah, Shalome.

-Omni

I would say no

What relationship does not have secrets ?

Hubby is paying for everything ? well he does eat half the food and use have the bed and half the closet space and fridge so don't fret.

My gramma always said a woman should have some secret money stashed away  for life's emergencies when you might be alone and don't want to have to end up on the street.

As soon as you can get back in the game .

Women need to be smarter when it comes to finances ...

Omni, I have never known a Muslin to wear a kilt.

I think you need to really sit down and work this out.

you have been off 15 months and you are paying for baby things from your savings?  Feeling guilty that he is paying the groceries?

I think a couple should pool their incomes and discuss how to spend it.  all bills and household family expenses come off the top.  Including any anticipated new clothes that are needed.  and a baby certainly needs new clothes all the time , each seaon they are several sizes bigger. ( find a person with a kid 2 years older and trade clothes)

He is working outside the home, so all the money is coming from him.  You are working inside the home.

But you still need to discuss how the money is pooled, and then spent.  And saved.

You should not have credit card debt.  not at all.  It is very foolish to not pay off a credit card each month.  you are borrowing money from them at 21 % or perhaps higher.  If you can't pay it off you need to see a financial advisor and arrange loans.

Sit with hubby.

Explain the facts

Get joint accounts

Pay the bill together

Save together

Plan together

If you are going to be home with the kids, he knows he is paying the full load.  this isn't exactly news to him.

Did you know in Islam, when two people are married, the man is obligated to share his bank account/funds/ whatever with the woman, but the woman doesn't have to share her account with the man.  Fun fact of the day.

Yeah I'm probably the most awkward Muslim you'll ever meet.  Not too many scottish/german/canadian/northwest territorian/caucasian muslims out there lol.  But Kilts are actually Halal because they cover past the knees ^^.

As-Salaamu Alaikum

-Omni

 and please MapleMel - put value on being home with your wee boy!  it is worth zillions for you to be there with him.  It may be time for reining in the spending and living frugally, but that is good for your son too.  Enjoy this time, share the load of raising him well and planning for the future together and go for joint accounts.  If you need to, budget in some spending money for each of you and have your independence that way.  All this is good for a marriage.

To Omni re "Did you know in Islam, when two people are married, the man is obligated to share his bank account/funds/ whatever with the woman, but the woman doesn't have to share her account with the man.  Fun fact of the day."

Seriously?  Where does it say that?  I want to share this info with my (Turkish) husband.  I've been trying to persuade him for years that his money is my money and my money is also my money...

I agree with Satyagraha.  As you are both responsible for each other's debt, you should be honest.  That doesn't mean that you can't keep separate accounts for money that is extraneous to paying the bills.  Perhaps your husband is having trouble paying the bills with his income solely and thinks that you are keeping money away from the family.  Honesty from both people in the relationship is best here, IMO.  

cjms said : "honesty from both people is best here, IMO"

..."and loving enthusiastic determination for a good financial future together. 

Money is just a tool that helps your partnership along.  Make it just a tool rather than giving it power.  Say, 'sure- here you go- whatever you want'.  Then make the power about love & communication & shared vision of the future.  Something simple like this is peanuts compared to real trouble.  Take some quiet time to figure out why you respond defensively - sometimes naming our hangups helps a lot.

MapleMel - I don't mean this to sound like 'advice'.  I've just been to hell & back with finances, and I chose my sweetheart over financial stability.  It paid off a million times over.  Sincere best wishes & hugs too.

My ex had the attitude, "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is none of your business".  It didn't take long for that to change!

MapleMel:  Perhaps there is a question behind the question?  Questions about how you perceive autonomy and independence?  Questions of what makes you secure?  Questions of why you have created the arrangements you have created??

I had a joint account with my first wife. When she decided to live with her boyfriend, she emptied it into her private account and took all the furniture while I was working out of town.

I figured I got off cheap, even if I did start out broke.

As an introduction: I have always been very independent and territorial.  It's MY cereal, MY car, MY cat.  I've mellowed a bit in recent years, but I'm still protective of MY stuff.

I have been consistently employed and working since before I met my husband.  Shortly before we got engaged, I offered to help him sort out his financial woes from previous relationships, and he gave me access to his account.  When I went to college, I continued to work to pay my own bills and have my own spending money.  Now that I have graduated and we are both employed full time (or pretty darn close to!), my check pays the rent, and his pays the bills and covers most household purchases like groceries(he makes considerably more than I do).  He doesn't have access to my account, but I frequently transfer money from mine to his ("ours") to help cover him off the last few days before payday.  So on paper it looks like "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine too", but it never works out that way (and it shouldn't, for us anyway).  I spend my money, and his, but I end up transfering money around anyway, so it doesn't matter in the end.  Plus, he is financially inept.  And he spends alot more money than I do.  So I pay the bills from his account.  We're both happy with the way things are working out.

OP: I think that in staying home with your child while your husband works, you are contributing just as much to the household as he is.  However, I would also be terrified of losing my independence.  Talk to him about it and see if you can come to a common ground.  Decide what's more important in your relationship: you staying home and contributing emotionally, or you going to work and contributing financially.  Or, maybe your husband can stay home for the next year and you can work.

 mooglecows - what a Great name!  Wait til Abpenny finds you.  Anyway, it sounds like a healthy approach to money, where pride & power have little to do with the bank accounts.  That is how it should be, no matter who has what bank accounts.