so, why do i share that on this site.

Today, I missed a meeting, an important one with members of the church..which just totally slipped my mind.

During the week, I also didn't respond to a new person who I want to do stuff with, but just haven't been able to.

I know that the stresses of work are resulting in me not doing items in the church  which I had hoped to do, but not committed to. In addition, unless prompted, I do forget things.  The amount of balls being juggled to figure out how to fix the broken processes at work, seems to drain my normal juggling capabilities.

so.....what do I say... I find saying "sorry" just doesn't seem enough. 

"i apologize as my mind is mush..and i am braindead after work and on weekend " seems to not cut it either.

I don't want to bore folks with my workplace crap...yet, I also recognize it impacts them.

Tongiht, for example, i am invited to a potluck for a dear friend, and I just don't want to go, coz, i know I am crappy company.

Pinga work environments can be toxic.

You posted this on Saturday and I am guessing you are not at work today and it still bothers you.

I empathize with you and understand where you are coming from.

For the past four years I worked with a toxic boss like that.  She called herself a principal.  They are all over.  I did not get flowers from her.  I got a flashing guitar pin and a hug.   Same idea though.   I am not trying to make this about me.  I am just sharing a similaar experience.

What worked for me is to get out of that work environment.  It was hard.  I took a lower paying job in a different field because Alberta has an oversupply of teachers and
I have ten years on the pay scale because of my experience.  With all the budget cutbacks to education school boards are hiring new University grads rather than experienced teachers.  I don't miss my job or that evil woman one bit.  I do miss the kids.

I am not saying that you need to get out.  Only you can decide that.   I am saying that you deserve to be treated better and what your boss did was unacceptable. 

If you need to vent or be listened to I am here for that.

Pinga;

Don't beat yourself up for not living up to your social commitments.  You have been under a lot of stress.  Apologize and move on.   Maybe you are not a very good friend right at this moment but this is the time for your real friends to be understanding and supportive.

Maybe if you shared with them what has been going on it would help them understand and you vent and feel supported......just a thought

serena...you know...you helped to express what i was thinking.  That many many workplaces have this kind of situation occuring in them. 

In the past, I had had a customer that was a bully.....it was worse...he wasn't head on...though, you know he yelled at his employees in the same way. (Also, for those who know me...you know how bad it ws for me to comment on in or explore it in this thread. )

Pinga, this happened to me working in a church.So please have your blood pressure checked.It is a demoralizing situation. You find yourself becoming a victim.The day I could not walk through the doors of the church(literally) was the day I said "no more".

It is freeing to get away from the bully boss.

I do not advocate "running away" as the first choice though.  There must be some other avenues that you can check into.

I don't call it running away.  I call it leaving a toxic environment,

I did report my boss to the superintendant and she apologized and was nice for a day or two.  But really that did not get far.   In your situation it may work.

I had high blood pressure last year too.

(((((((((((((Pinga)))))))))))))))

I too have been in toxic work environments. I had to leave them for my sanity. Others found ways to negotiate them so they were not so toxic for them.

You are a wise diplomat who has the skills and intelligence to figure out what to do eventually. In the meantime, even wise, intelligent and competent women can have very bad spells. It happens. I know that I was forgetting a lot of things, and dropping balls all over the place in the spring when I was going through a very stressful spell. Crap, I even forgot to renew my car insurance in Sept this year. Totally was not in my brain at all. We had to pay a huge fine because of that one. 

 What helped was being able to take a break. I talked to some good friends who saved me from having to check myself into the local psych unit. Calming hot baths. Declining social events that would be draining. Accepting ones that would recharge my batteries. Relaxing massages. Yoga classes. Anything to bring on the relaxation response. When we are under stress, we produce too much cortisol in our bodies. That helps make our brains short circuit. We have to get rid of that through relaxation or through vigorous exercise.....or both. Singing helps. Re-evaluating what is important in life.

Do take care. Be kind to yourself as you would be with others who are going through this.

Thanks folks.

Please be aware that I recognize that in each situation there are multiple items at play.   I will not share these, as to be honest, you can only hear my viewpoint.  That isn't fair to anyone.

I was able to negotiate past the apology though to solutions, though, my fear is, they will not be taken / internallized into him or the team, in other words, that boil is likely to burst again.

Given the situation, i have been ensuring  that I have my back covered and have landing places.  As a caring professional; however, I really do wish to see this project succeed.  Should I ask to be transferred, it will be taken as a clear message of the state of the project. It will likely result in other corrective actions being taken. 

Thanks for the advice , folks, as always.  It helps to remember there are actually physical reactions.     I felt nauseous after the phone call.  I had tried speaking with him at the first of the call, but, knew continuing to speak out or provide other sights, was just triggering his behaviour worse.  Hanging up, which I considered, would likely cause him to walk out and take it out on someone else. So, i stayed on the call.

interesting reading about cortisol, NW.  thanks.

Hey Pinga - addressing the two aspects of your problem:

1. The toxic boss. Like others, I have my stories to share too, so I won't as they're pretty similar, all the usual overexpetations of work quantity and quality, the lousy interpersonal skills etc. I was fortunate in that my experience was in a temp position of which I loved the work itself and my other colleagues so I was able to grit my teeth and get to the end of it, and simply did not reapply with the same theatre company when the opportunity rolled itself back around again.

2. How this affects others: a few ways to look at this. If you are in a position that you can't put your energies into being a strong friend at the moment, friends should understand this. Those who truly are your friends, will. Those who don't, aren't really those deep, know everything about you friends, and while they might be fun to hang out with again when things clear up, they aren't worth stressing over right now. Another way to look at it though if your lack of socializing or following through on commitments is bothering YOU: perhaps having something you enjoy - a dinner party with friends, or an activity at church - might help work be less all-consuming and distressing, and might provide a good distraction to be in a warm environment surrounded by caring people. After bad days or weeks my first instinct to optional commitments is to bag on them, but I usually drag myself out and find myself happy to have had the respite from dwelling on my problems. Again though this is me, and I totally see the flipside where FURTHER commitments at church or the necessity to cook a meal to go to a potluck or whatever are added stress when you'd rather be vegging and recharging your batteries. Only you know which of those is most true for you. As for dropping the ball/forgetting things in various places, lol I do that and I'm at the tail end of my mat leave lol; we all have those situations especially when stress plays a factor, and you have to forgive yourself. If you give the impression you feel you've done something wrong, then others will probably follow that perception, whereas if you accept those things are human, others will too. :D

Be strong ... it sounds like you are going through a rough time but it sounds like you do have some things to enjoy and look forward to out there, and hopefully those blessings will get you through the curses.

Pinga, I'm sorry to read that you have been experiencing such challenges at work. It makes sense that when you are feeling stressed and distressed with one aspect of your life - in this case work - that you are not up for being full on in other areas. Sometimes we just need to step back from other commitments and be gentle with ourselves. If the best thing for you right now is to miss social and church functions and lay low, then I hope you are allowing yourself to do that without the often resultant feelings of guilt. And forgetting about things is a common occurence when our minds are overly occupied and feeling emotionally and physically drained. In a way your forgeting things could be a message to pull back, lay low and take care of yourself. I'm sure you are wishing that you could be your usual on top of things, energetic and enthusiastic  self - but be kind to yourself and know that this is a temporary scenario - and sometimes we just need to take time out.

As someone who knows well about pulling back and having to cancel out on things due to health challenges, it really should 'cut it' to just say 'sorry 'or 'I'm not able to do that today' - just because. It's okay to just do what you need to do for you sometimes.

In reading your posts, pinga, I am once again in admiration of your integrity,  professionalism and groundedness.

I'm thinking about you -- go gently .......

thanks myst, a wise woman said to me in situations like this she prays, basically for an increase in compassion in the world....for all the people who have been abused physically or verbally that day, and for  the abusers that they may be helped, as well.

Personnally Pinga, I would have hung up the phone and I wouldn't have felt bad about it.

I do wonder though if this boss is always lilke this or just because of the project that is blowing up and coming in way over budget.

He is definately getting pushed from above if he is in charge of a problem like you describe.  If this is unusual behaviour from  your boss then I expect he also is feeling great stress.

You are definately under great stress and it might help to put some balance back in your life.  Add in an activity that will help you cope with stress.

Something energetic like kick boxing or running, or power walking you dog.  Something where your body works hard and pushes your mind aside for a bit.

Add in some soothing bath salts and warm water before bed.

The stress is causing the confusion and forgetfulness and I think a simple mention of the stress at work will explain it to your friends.

My mom was a big advocate of deep breaths adn I used to laugh about it but in reality, deep calming very slwo breaths help retain your focus.  Mainly because you are focusing on the act of breathing slowly and to a count so you dont' have time to think of other things.

Yes, Lastpoiinte, there are multiple stresses on this individual. The stresses do not excuse the behaviour; however, they are part of why it is that much more likely to occur.

I hear you on the physical items, such as what NW said. 

Pinga,

I can relate to what you post.  Been there many a time, including the past two weeks when I became responsible for other peoples' lives.  I have come to learn the warning signs for myself and know what works for me.

Multitasking actually is a dangerous thing - it really means no one thing is getting your complete focus just part of it.  The more tasks that pile up the less focus until the whole thing topples over from its own mass.

When I am faced with such a time I shed the tasks.  Prioritize everything.  I make no apologies for things I have to let go.  I do allow down time - just let my brain rest by doing something so routine that it requires no thought whatsoever.  Coronation Street works ;-)

When the stress get high and I find myself getting short with others I step away and take a breather.  My response to stress is always humour which means for those around me they at least get to laugh.

I know the internalizing is bad - my hair literally falls out and after the past week I am now sporting a lovely new bald spot.  However I know this too shall pass, the hair will grow back probably grey, but it will come back.

And this becomes the one thing I focus on - the light at the end of tunnel.

LB

There cannot be a stressful crisis next week.

My schedule is already full.     Henry Kissinger

Oh man pinga - this sucks - as my kids would say.  Sorry to hear about it.  Good foryou for remaining calm in the face of the tirades .... but it does take a toll.  

Prolonged stress is awful ... and it sounds like this has been going on for a while.  All that cortisol stuff ... too true.   So no surprise about the forgetfulness, as others have said.   Are you sleeping okay or is this stress following you when you hit the pillow?   That's often the case & compounds the effects on the body & brain - I know, cuz I'm a crummy sleeper at the best of times & have lots of sleeplessness when under extra stress.

One of my colleagues is having a problem with a bully manager at the moment - she's reached the point where she won't meet with the boss alone, but has someone from HR accompany her ... creates some stresses of a different kind tho. 

Thinking of you ... C.

((((Pinga))))

I have certainly been on the receiving end of anger and inappropriate interaction with employers.  It's not fun.  Your ability to stay calm and focussed is probably pissing him off too! 

In my current role in a family company, I'm often in the middle between my boss (the owner) and other companies that we hire.  He likes to yell and scream and then leave me to pick up the pieces.  I understand the frustrations on both sides and try and fix things for everyone.  It's not a pleasant task.

Keep your head up...cms

Pinga,

We are where we are, because corporate was killing my wife, from blood pressure to depression to anxiety.... to crying (without knowing why) to walking in the door and saying "I want to rip people's heads off" ... to likely a break down...

It was also destroying us. It was hard on our relationship. It is hard to have a cuddly, happy relationship with a porcupine.

You need to look at what are the priorities in your life (they are individual) what is meaningful and valuable and whether things nourish it or starve it. Then don't let weeds choke out either the beautiful flowers you love or the vegetables you need to survive.

We decided that to ease stress, until... she put off family obligations (they weren't fun anyways) and church obligations... anything that was obligingly done... we spent time off work having fun and forgetting. Like I said, until... because we needed to get from A to B. She eventually left her job and we moved.

You need to do what is right for you and only you can hammer that out.

In the meantime, try relaxing whenever you can steal a moment. Whatever is most thought-robbing, do it when you need to forget the troubles (the wife watched comedies). Whatever is most venting, do it when you need to (the wife went to the driving range).

Know you are not alone and whatever you are feeling or whatever you are dropping, messing up.... it happens to everyone.

SG, I can predict what you say happening to me...if I don't get this situation resolved one way or another.  I have always love my job and the standard pressure of deadlines and system failures , under multiple managers in the past.  This situation though is unhealthy and I also  found myself being miserable with my youngest son last week..and that is so not good.

On the messing up front, i have

a) advised committee folks of the pressures, and suggested to them that if I drop balls, to let  me know, as a reminder, and that we will laugh our way through it.  Also, that some balls will intentinally be put down by me, and we could have others pick them up, or just know they are being put down. 

b) Taken time to go out with friends.  Went out for a coffee yesterday afternoon with one, and for a beer with another last night.

c) need to do the walk..kick..stuff.  that is always my item that i skip..and i really am hearing the wisdom..and i know looking at myself it is required, as the evidence is obvious.

anyhow, thanks folks for your support and solid responses in so many way.s  it is good to have you with me on the journey.

Thanks for the update Pinga. I am glad to hear you are muddling through. Remember, you have a lot of supportive people around you who care about you. Let them help you and even take some of the load off you. They will if you let them.

(((((((((((((((Pinga)))))))))))))))

They call it work for a reason ......

Pinga,

All I can say is what's wrong with these people you work with?

Even half way round the world I can ascertain that you are intelligent with loads of commonsense.  They're lucky to have you working for them, and don't you forget it, even if they do.

As for handling stress, try playing tennis. (even if you hit the ball in the net, you're a winner - just imagine all the tension that's released.) 

Hey Pinga, how are things going these days? I have been thinking about you and sending good vibes.

Thanks Northwind..

I think those positive vibes are coming my way.

I am still stressing a bit, but not near as much as I had been..Why? I allowed others to partake in the solution of the problem....there are those who are close to this person physically and also career wise..who can help.

pilogrim's ...the workplaces these days are very hard,at least in companies such as ours which are continuing to make progress, be creative, yet doing it with less & less resources.  I know how much this person is carrying...and how difficult it is..and it is why I can excuse the behaiour. (not condone it)

I am glad to hear that things are better.

It is so frustrating to be expected to do more with less. Been there. Done that. I am glad you have been able to enlist support and the help of others. A problem shared is a problem lessened.