Hi and welcome to the cafe.

Friendship needs to give something to both parties.  It sounds like your friends have gotten emotional support from you but that you have also gotten satisfaction from being the big supporter of them.  You are the expert and can help them handle their lives.

In many ways it sounds likek you have treated them as clients who are friends.

And now when you want support they dont' give it to you because that has never been the reality of your friendship.

I would take a step back and try to not be the expert, but just one of the gang.

The next personal crisis for them should just be a time to listen and not solve. 

Will they support you?  Perhaps they also will or even do listen to you now.  that is what friends do but friends really don't offer professional advice.

On the other hand if you have become friends with people who just suck the life out of you through their neediness then you may need to withdraw from that.

Say something to whoever is closest to you. Maybe you just seem so "with it" they aren't picking up on anything else. Let them know how you feel. If they're any kind of friend at all they'll respond well.

I think what it comes down to is what kind of help you need and if your "friends" are equipped to give it or not

It's also interesting that you have this issue considering the profession that you are in which is the last place where you are going to get back what you give wholeheartedly

What can I say friendship changes many many layers the older we get we have more obligations less time and when we do have time we want to have a little to ourselves life is very hectic and time consuming and maybe you really should not take it personally.

The worse thing you can do is find someone who is even more "cody" than you might be.

Would it suck to know that for the most part we all face our toughest trials in life alone because everyone else is on vacation or at a dental appointment.

"I think what it comes down to is what kind of help you need and if your "friends" are equipped to give it or not"

Always very considerate, jesouhaite. 

Always very needy  FT

I believe the term, according to an ex-girlfriend, is co-dependency. Ask yourself why you're helping people to the extent you are. If you do it for personal fulfillment - because it satisfies your value system - then be happy that you live a life that is harmonious with your values.

If however, you help people with the expectation that help will be provided to you in return - for no other reason than as "payment" for the help you've provided in the past - you're acting/thinking in a co-dependent manner and it probably isn't conducive to your long term mental health.

Nevertheless, a more practical thought might be that your friends simply lack the high level of empathy that you possess - and aren't intuitively capable of recognizing when you need help. Admittedly, you've indicated that you simply "turn the other cheek" and solider on. This strength of your character could, I think, easily be perceived as not requiring assistance. If you trust your friendships/relationships - be vulnerable and ask for the help you feel you need.

I think perhaps you are confusing professional compassion with personal compassion.

With professional compassion you are paid to be compassionate - this is not the case with personal compassion. In your professional life you accept that the compassion flows one way, because you are getting paid in return.

Another major difference with professional compassion is that you are role playing, you are not acting in the way you might be feeling at the time.(nodding sympathetically to a client, when you're simmering with anger over a domestic at the breakfast table!).

Personal compassion flows from being honest with your feelings and concerns. Try being more honest and open about your feelings when you're with your friends. (They're not mind readers.) You are not at work now - you don't have to be in control, tell your friends you're feeling vulnerable. If they don't respond in any way, they mightn't be your friend, and you might have to seek out new friends.

This bit's important. As others have said, people lead busy lives and have many of their own concerns. This means you have to be a friend yourself and accept their compassion in the way it's offered. They're doing the offering, it's up to them, not you, what's on offer.

I believe resentment occurs when you have thoughts like "when she was sick I did all her shopping, and all she did for me was drop off one casserole".

With personal compassion what I've found "works" for me is I just do for my friend what I feel comfortable with - and expect nothing more from them. (No resentment). Because they are my friends, I owe it to our friendship to relate honestly with them. This means that sometimes there's conflict - but with a true friend this can be resolved.

Hope this helps.

I really agree with what Pilgrims Progress is saying.

TL

There is term and then there is lingo

Ya know "Cody"  - Codependant

jesouhaite,

Okay, enough of the hints. What about writing a post on co-dependancy, and why it's a thorn in your side?

Hi Meoff66,

I was at the other end of a friendship like that. My friend was a psychology student, and a very giving friend. I found it hard to give back as much as she gave, but she gave out of choice, and perhaps too much. She complimented me to the point of being motherly, everything I did was wonderful, "Oh you're so beautiful!, You wistle so well! Look at your beautiful hands! Your son is the sweetest boy in the world! Oh, it (whatever I had done) is so wonderful!" It wasn't normal. She ended up being bitter towards me in a way like you describe feeling, and she stopped replying to my emails. I was interested in her woes, and offered help, but she felt that I didn't really care. I think she had her own issues. The friendship ended.

I think there are enough people on here who post about codependancy no need for me to do it.

It just makes life tough to keep running into people that are so needy and whiny

Honest to blog I was at the doctor's office a couple days ago and just sitting there minding my own beeswax when some lady starts ranting to no one in particular about how she lost her keys , then she lost her bus tokens, then she lost her umbrella like seriously .... why why and more why !!!

Thanks for the feedback everyone, much appreciated

P.S. I tried searching for threads about codependancy here, I could find none.

Here's the wikkipedia article about it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Co-dependency

 On second thought, after reading the wikipedia description of co-dependency - I must have been thinking of something else. I certainly wasn't suggesting anything near the issues described in the wiki...

I'm trying to wrap my head around what co-dependancy is myself. By the description, it seems to apply to two people who see an awful lot of one another, like every day, as opposed to girlfriends who only see each other only now and then. Though I see how it could apply to girls who see too much of each other, (see "Heavenly Creatures". Creepy!)

I think the basic idea is someone who is like a thorn in your side, they need you to do everything for them, they cannot make decisions for themselves or they sit on the fence and wait for others.

Heavenly Creatures was a creepy good movie though

No, that's not what it is at all.

http://www.cdrs.ca/About/characteristics.html

Yeah I was trying to avoid the verbal runs you know !!!

I'm a nutshell kinda girl

I recently ended a friendship back in January because of a similar situation.

I had a "friend" who thought the world revolved around her. If the topic on hand was not about her, she would be unhappy and try to turn it back to her. She was happy only if she had the attention of boys and everyone else around her. She would never listen to my problems, or if she did, she always told me that it wasn't a big deal. Well, yes I do acknowledge that I sometimes overreact to situations, but at the time, my problem were legitimate problems in my life and I would have appreciated a friendly ear.

Long story short, she basically used me for rides as she did not have her license. Never once offered gas money. When gas went up to $1.40/L last summer she told me that it was not a big deal. I'd just have to quit any "unnecessary" driving. That is pretty much what did it for me. I was so angry and upset at her at that time that I did not speak to her for weeks. We started talking again and I tried to tell her how I felt about what she had said but she did not let me. She never did apologize but had the nerve to ask me to drive her somewhere.

Through my own fault, I kept trying to see the best in her but everything continued to revolve around her, she made other comments regarding my life and had a general disregard for any issue other than her own. . Finally in February of this year I had enough. I was starting to ignore her phone calls, her text messages, her MSN messages and e-mails. Seeing an e-mail from her made me cringe.

After awhile i wondered why I continued to torture me. After a long thought, she was what I consider a "toxic friend." I told her that I could not hang around with her anymore. It was too toxing. At first, I grieved over the loss but after awhile it felt like a burden was lifted off of my shoulder.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes friendships have to be reevaluated. Do not let anyone walk all over you. It's not worth it.

Thank You :)

Wow, just joined and it takes no time for issues to have so much feed back.  I'll simply give my "two cents" by saying anything and everything you do in life should be because it's true from your heart....any "strings" or expectations in return will only hurt you and those around you.  Lastly, be honest.  The hardest thing for anyone to do, really.  Be honest with your friends, tell them how you feel.  It's not to imply they can give more or change, but true friendships deserve honesty.  Good luck.

After awhile i wondered why I continued to torture me.

Desperation ... you lose a friend and then you're alone

This is what people tell themselves anyone is better than no one even if they use me or abuse me I just can't be alone ?

Or to be more graphic you lose the one person who can put up with your s**t !

Life does go on

Two things here : Helping on the job versus beiing a good friend.

I believe the term for the negative effect of helping on the job is "helper-syndrome"- that's when you need to help others to make yourself feel better. Should not be transfered into private life. Over the years (of experience) "professional helpers" learn to be more professional, and less dependent on the helper role.

What I recently discovered and acceepted was that there is different qualities of friendship, as discribed in the following article from the "Hemlock Happenings" of Berwick Church Camp:

I hear you, Meoff... I find lately a few of my friends are acting like that too.  Kind of flakey, but almost offeneded if I'm not "johnny-on-the spot" there for them.  Also quite a bit of negativity.  I've decided not be surrounded by negative people, its too toxic.  What did you decide to do?

I've had that experience.  I'm not sure what to do about it either.