I won't get into a long personal story.  It would take too damn long.  Right now, I find myself in the place where I'm ok if I remain on my own.  I'm super self-reliant and set in my ways.  Also I'm more aware of my shortcomings and wouldn't wish those on anyone!

I have good friends -- some of whom are single too, and we stick together.  The chances of creating a life with someone aren't what they were earlier in my journey.  Some would say I've doubled my chances since I'm bisexual, but that simply isn't true. 

I'm not sure why I'm single now.  It's not for lack of opportunities for a life-long relationship.  I've been in a few "serious" relationships too.  Either I haven't met the right person, or I'm not the right person, or there isn't a right person.

A big isssue could be my introversion.  I don't like large gatherings, bars etc. but I'm told I'm very engaging and charming and certainly not shy in smaller groups.

I find the whole process demeaning on some level.  Should one actually be looking?  Isn't it just supposed to happen?

Dunno.....

It would be magical if it happened though!

I find the whole process demeaning on some level.  Should one actually be looking?  Isn't it just supposed to happen?

Ummmm I'm afraid not , mr right or mr right now isn't going to come looking for you in your house under the covers , in a way we do have to market ourselves if you want someone of quality ,  and it takes effort i will say though men have a wayyyyyyy tougher time hooking up than women do , they take a lot more rejection because well there are more guys than girls in the world and so in a way we have a wide range of pickins so to speak .....

i also think that people always want what they don't have ... and the assumtion is that people in relationships are happy go lucky when in fact lots of relationships are hinging on all kinds of  strife .... many people stay together out of loneliness , money , or just plain old sex , not out of some real connection just artificial ones , furthermore is it better to be single and happy or hooked up and miserable , not a day goes by when you don't encounter someone with problems at home  ...... and how much they wish things were different ..... society looks at single people differently now since they are now becoming the fast growing "family" unit ..... it's like women who don't have kids and nobody really gives it a second thought , how you perceive yourself is more important than what others think ......

 Either I haven't met the right person, or I'm not the right person, or there isn't a right person.

There really is no such thing , it really comes down to how much s***t a person is willing to put up with ..... I can say this because it is a  keen observation being a female i think women are just wayyyyyyyyyy to picky about little things when they are in a relationship or looking for someone in general , if the guy likes to drink from the milk carton is that really a big deal , if he happens to do something really sweet on your birthday ? does it matter if he has hobbies that you are not personally into ? and what is up with calling 10 times a  day , please girls he is just not that into you .... LOL 

I think that realistically if you don't want a full time relationship then why not just have a casual thing ? many guys would love that i think this is the social trend where people are simply dating for longer lengths of time and NOT moving in together so darn soon , people who have been single for a while are probably better prepared to be in a relationship because they won't be so whiny and needy all the time , in a way it shows that they know how to have a life ..... people who jump from one relationship to another are the ones who are avoiding themselves and are NOT relationship material , unless you consider being a host to a parasite a relationship (which it is in a way LOL but it's kinda one sided)

Im sure that there are a lot of introverted guys out there too , i think you have to be willing to broaden your horizons a bit , and maybe become a little less introverted ? what if you found other introverted people dull and boring ? you never know unless you see the same qualities in yourself in someone else , ive been single off and on in my life , long term decades old relationships were never meant for me , because i like having time to myself .... i really do , i love just picking up and going and not having to share everything all the time ..... but before if i just felt some deep needs i just hooked up with someone for a few months , worked for me fine .... but you know if you are compounded by some moral or ethical chains that makes things wayyyyyyyyyyy harder .......

Attitude determines altitiude

 Lots of wisdom and good advice there, Jes.  It's tempting to think that as single people, those who are in relationships have it made.

Not always true.

This suggests to me that you're ok on your own - as long as it's not permanent?

I've reached a time in my life where I'm ok to remain on my own. Having experienced a good relationship helps, but I need more solitude than most people I know - and in younger days that caused problems.

Of course, any situation has it's drawbacks. There are times when I miss having someone in the apartment to share with. Christmas and birthdays remind me of my loss - I miss being my husband's "best girl".

But, all things considered, at my age I'm comfortable with remaining single. Maybe it's a case of sublimation - but I do seem to be more of a flirt than I used to be. (just ask the roofer!) These days I'm happy just enjoying long boozy lunches with the gals - although I  would really enjoy lunching alone with an interesting man. (End the lunch with a passionate kiss - and go home alone to our separate places. Oops - I'm daydreaming online - how tragic is that???).

Great thread, Ninj!

I  would really enjoy lunching alone with an interesting man.(End the lunch with a passionate kiss - and go home alone to our separate places

If you want more than a kiss but less than a move in  .... it's called a friend with benefits

that does not have to be permanent either LOL

Good questions Ninja.  I'm thinking about them.

I would like to get married and have a family.  I am not married because I take all my time and become very focussed on one or two projects.  These projects are things that can be done at home so I don;t have to go out except for work and with work I always work in female dominated professions.   I am in the process of changing that.

I wonder though if I was in a relationship if I would be remembering the "good old single days"?

probably

definitely

Nah, once you get to my age you start slowing down. I figure I'm now back to my adolescence -  which, from memory, was mainly about awkwardly kissing in cars , or daydreaming alone. 

PP Possum -- I could be single permanently without being miserable, but not without being wistful.  I've already had some lovely times, and "I won't die wonderin' ".   All the same, it would be really nice to stumble on the impossible and find my "soul mate". 

Despite my contempt for the crass commercialization of valentine's day, I'm an incurable romantic in my odd way.

Fair enough, m'dear.

My wish for 2010 is that those who haven't experienced the joy of a "soul mate" - will do so.

It's  life changing.  

Here's a tip that worked for me (and was suggested by my sister). Think of your parents and what you loved about them - as they were your first love affair. Next, and this is the difficult part, deliberately mix with folks who have their good qualities, but not their faults. (It's an often unconscious desire to try and correct our parent's faults through our lovers.)

Oops, I see I've left out sexual attraction. To be brutally honest, it's got to be there. The good news is that I estimate that between 60-70% of folks fall into that category. If your percentage is lower, perhaps you want your partner to make up for what you perceive is lacking in you?

But where do you find these people or ANY single people for that matter,  Everyone I know is married.

Pilgrim's Progress said,

"Here's a tip that worked for me (and was suggested by my sister). Think of your parents and what you loved about them - as they were your first love affair. Next, and this is the difficult part, deliberately mix with folks who have their good qualities, but not their faults. (It's an often unconscious desire to try and correct our parent's faults through our lovers.)"

I've been pondering this one and I think I'm pretty much out of luck.  I was treated as if the sun shone out my arse.  Spoiled, certainly by my mum, and cherished by dad. 

I was a princess until the world knocked it out of me.  What a rude shock it was walking out the front door!

Tough act to follow.

I am not single, and therefore have refrained from posting on this thread.  However, I was single - I married later than most of my friends - and at one time  my husband and I went through a difficult time when we lived apart.

I think that if I were ever single again what I would look for is lots of friends who enjoy the same activities that I enjoy - and perhaps a special friend of the opposite sex.  I would look for friendship first - then perhaps affection - then maybe 'benefits'.  But I am not sure whether I would want a permanent living arrangement again.  Perhaps if I met the right person.

But I am a rather private person - and quite set in my ways.  Mr. Seeler and I have learned to give each other a lot of space.  I can come into the den and spend an evening on the WonderCafe - he can go for coffee with friends he has in the model train club.  But would I want to work all that out with someone else again? 

I like the independance of deciding whether I want a dog - or whether I want to read in bed when I wake up at 3:00 am  (not I have to go out to the chesterfield).  But it would be nice to have a companion to go camping with - and Mr. Seeler and I have enjoyed the trips we've taken together these last few years. 

One thing I have noticed - the world seems to be made for singles.   The Bed & Breakfast places we visited on our trips seemed to rent by the double room - I think a single person would be expected to pay full price or near.  People like to have an equal number around their table when they have guests in, and card games are often for couples. 

I've been pondering this one and I think I'm pretty much out of luck.  I was treated as if the sun shone out my arse.  Spoiled, certainly by my mum, and cherished by dad. 

I was a princess until the world knocked it out of me.  What a rude shock it was walking out the front door!

Tough act to follow.

If you think YOU were spoiled LOL

There are guys out there that will treat you the same way , but it's really all about standards , and in this case they gotta be high ......

There does however seem to be a zero sum mentality in this thread , it's all or nothing it's marriage or live together but not meet-n-hump ...... i could be wrong

 i think people cling to the notion that their grandparents were together for 40 years and so it has to be that way today , remember our grandparents met in WW1 or WW2 most of the men were at war , there was not a whole lotta choice , so you had to get hitched quick quick quick before they all went to war or simply didn't come back.

You think grandma woulda picked the guy with the glass eye if she had a choice ?

Times have changed since then .....

There is an old saying, "Women fall in love with men who remind them of their father, but marry men who remind them of their mother".

This reinforces the idea of our parent's influence on our later partner choices.

When it comes to our parents, I was thinking about how we perceive them - not how they perceive us. (eg. if your Dad was a misogynist it would be wise to look for a partner who treats women well!)

But Ninj brings up an interesting point. My parents had five kids in six years, and their primary focus was on each other. Obviously, that had it's drawbacks - but it did teach us that there was always another's needs to consider besides our own. Sharing was such a focus of my childhood that when my closest sister gave birth (and was sorry that I was childless) she said I could have as much time with her children as I wanted, "just like we had to share our dolls".

Jesou,

"Meet - n -hump" doesn't constitute a partnership. Making someone a cup of instant coffee in the morning isn't the same as spending Christmas dinner together. 

Seeler,

As I'm now finding out, the world operates on couples. For my upcoming Canada trip, this introvert who loves her solitude, has to pay a hefty single room supplement. (You'd think they could find me a broom cupboard somewhere!).

Well if you meet and hump the same person over and over , it could be

I always found something inheritently creepy about looking for the remanants of our parents in our lovers  ewwwwwww

Jes, it gets worse - Sigmund Freud had a lot to say about it.

But don't worry, m'dear, most of it takes place at an unconscious level - to conveniently prevent you from feeling creepy.  

Whew .......

double post

I'm unpartnered too and have been for 10 years now.

I miss a partner sometimes but in reality working, running the household, raising the 3 kids, and time with my friends has been a busy and rewarding life.

I would like a special someone to grow old with (and someone on MY side) but it hasn't happened yet. There's always a possibility .

I'm single. I've had a couple fairly serious relationships, and the most recent one ended in September after several months of being on again off again. It's tough. I'd love to meet the man of my dreams, get married, and start a family. I came darn close this last time, but things just didn't work out. I find it hard to meet people. I don't work with others right now, but even when I did, it was all women. When I'm in school, the classes are mostly dominated by women, plus being a mature student, most are atleast 7 years younger than me.

Possum, when I was about your age I was involved in a on again off again relationship. They seldom work out. Don't be tempted to try again - all it will do will stop you meeting someone else.

Luckily, you've plenty of time. Perhaps if you think what was the problem in your last relationship, you can avoid that next time? If you're looking long term, he's gotta be nice with nice ways. 

Living rural and coming from outside of Canada does not help much in finding a partner, either. My neighbourhood is conservative, people are nice- like all Canadians are raised to be, but usually people have their friends and families (don't underestimate the value of meeting the single friend of your sister or the co-worker of your best friends). My friend suggested moving to a big city- more diversity, more openess,- but I pretty much have the perfect job here...

I think growing old with just a few good friends is a good alternative, so that's what I am working towards right now.

Well with the internet this does not have to be so .... my friend from ontario married someone all the way from sweden (she lives there now) sometimes you gotta venture outside your limitations too many people want to meet someone in their own backyard ....

Well Mrs. Anteater

Living in a city over 1/2 million hasn't changed my status from single in the last 10 years.

Build a life you enjoy! reardless of single or not.

(I think relationships my be a little easier for those without kids-we single moms are a bit more cautious and a lot busier taking care of kids)

Jesou,

Long distance dating would be too expensive for me- I make it home to Europe about every four years, if no big bill pops up before then, so it would have to be either a millionaire or a flight captain...

I think my chances of just finding a couple more good friends locally are greater...

Tabitha,

The kid factor is surely true-now with having a teen, things are getting a bit easier.

I feel ya but for anyone else .... just so you know the expenses does not hafta fall on ya ..... we're not talking going dutch here with european 711 clerks LOL

I hear there are millionare dating sites too ... LOL

The internet has made connections possible where as before we really were disconnected ....

I have this dicussion with my Mum and my sister they are both on their own and happy.  My mum was with my dad for nearly 50 years before he died.  My sister had a bad marriage and has been divorced for about 30 years.  I've only been separated for just over a year and I hate it.  Right now the kids live with me but at 20, 17 and 15 who knows how much longer they will be at home.  My number one nightmare would be having to wake up Christmas morning on my own.

Northstar - I have a single friend.  When I think of my Christmas with my husband, daughter and family I feel sorry for her.  But then I asked her about her Christmas.  She has a group of friends - mainly single (or single again as she is), but a few childless couples.  They got together after church Christmas eve at her place - it rotates each year.  I think there was a gift exchange.  Then on Christmas day they all met at the best hotel in town for the Christmas buffet.  I think the next day some of them went cross country skiing.  Sounds pretty good to me. 

I think it might be harder if you are poor, but single people with reasonably good jobs and no dependants seem to do pretty good.

The thing is, you have to plan your entertainment, and find people in a similar situation.  If you just wait and hope that someone from the church, or your married brother, will invite you over, you might be out of luck.

Yes someone has gotta take the first step .....

My number one nightmare would be having to wake up Christmas morning on my own.

Some of us have been there and we lived LOL

Now you have roughly 11 months to maybe get some other people in your situation together for Xmas 2010 ..... don't wait for the kids to leave ..... make some gradual plans .....  there must be others facing potential empty nests

Thanks for this thread!

Here's what I am finding...I enjoy the talking on the phone, the emailing, the texting...I enjoy going out and doing stuff...I enjoy the kissing and cuddle time...

I don't want a serious relationship...I don't want to move in or get married...I don't want to be doing the above mentioned things with 'many' men...but I find it is taken the wrong way...he is super nice and I don't want to hurt him...or lead him on...this moving on stuff is not easy!!!

it's not hurt if you are honest .... better to make a clean move than a move where you are tracking broken heart pieces under your boots ..... think of the mopping involved

believe me guys appreciate upfront and the key word is upfront honesty so they know exactly what they are getting into and getting out of

Jesou,

I would think a millionaire internet dating site would have a lot of fakes.

Besides, a millionaire would give me a complex. I would prefer a guy who just can pay his own bills for a change.

LOL nah some of these sites have a $10,000 sign up fee ..... I guess you gotta walk the talk ..... actually there are lots of millionares out there ..... billionares on the other hand are still a bit exclusive ....

I have tried dating for the last year, and found that people are just not honest about who they are, you begin to like them and all of a sudden they are someone else, someone you don't like. I have not given up, but not outwardly looking. I have faith that if the right person for me comes along, then it is meant to be.

Cavelle

That's great, jes, and my friend from Ontario married someone all the way from the Philippines. They met online. About a year later he flew to Hong Kong and they got married.

That is also wonderful ....

Billions of people on da planet ..... gotta be someone out there .....

Thanks jesouhaite777...it's true...and I have been honest from the get go...but talk is cheap...I do think he's getting alittle to attached...which sucks cuz I do like spending time with him!

I know there is someone on da planet for me too!

Bumping this up.  Today at the seniors' bowling league a group of people were talking about good places to eat (the legion puts on a nice dinner for $8 a plate on Friday nights) and one woman who's been widowed for about a year said that she would love to eat out but hates to go places alone.  I hoped that somebody would invite her to go with them (I wasn't going myself) but I didn't hear anybody.

How do you handle this type of situation - when your church, or bowling group, is putting on a supper, do you go alone.  When you feel like going to a movie?  Or joining an exercise club?  or going out to dinner? 

And if you do join up with a couple - how do your keep from feeling like a fifth wheel?

I can do everything on my own - except eat out. If I don't feel like cooking, I get take-away. If I do eat out, it's always with friends, usually women friends.

The odd thing is that I can't eat alone at home, without turning on the t.v. It's the one time I must have company.

It's an individual thing - I have a friend who can't do anything on her own - movies, travel, exercise class.

You just go

Lots of people eat alone at fast food places ......your friend has to at least make the effort to go somewhere alone ..... 

Jesou,

I noticed once when I was in the USA that lots of folks eat alone. They had these things called diners, where there were stools placed around a central bar. That wasn't so bad - I had breakfast at these places. Before long I was murmuring, "Pancakes, short stack with maple syrup", with the best of them.

It's different in Oz, you don't often see women eating on their own.

LOL remind me never to move to OZ

But why don't you want to move to Australia?

'Nuff said.

As-salaamu alaikum

-Omni

Hey I'm turning 18 this April and I'm still single. It's not a bad thing. It does make me think though, is that going to change in the future?

I am not the kind of person that wants to be alone for the rest of her life, after all.

What do you mean "still" single when you're only 17?! That's not a long time. I was single til I was 44.

Oh sure, I often used to go alone because, well, because why not. I found that a good way to spend an evening out was by bringing a good book with me. 

Ugh. 'Nuff said.