Dear Crazy,

I like to ski but my partner likes to  play tennis . We do nothing together. What should I do?

Wondering in Winsor

Dear Wondering. Throw away the skis. Throw away the raquettes.Jump between the sheets and I am sure you will find something that you both like to do

CrazyHeart

Dear Crazyheart,

I'm trying to lose a few extra pounds, and right now my body is screaming out "chips and dip" "chocolate bar" "candy" "Big Mac" "french fries".  Help - how can I stay motivated and on a healthy eating plan?

Munchie-Craving in Manitoba

Dear Munchie.

Why do you have to lose a few pounds? more of you is more to love, right? You don't want to be a spokes person for the anorexic. Just sit back and nosh.

CrazyHeart

Dear Wondering in Windsor,

I, too, love to play tennis. Might I suggest that your partner and I jump between the sheets - and you ski down the longest slope you can find, preferably ending your run by crashing into the ski lift.

P.S. I note that you spell it "raquette", is your partner French?

"C'est magnifique."  

No More Wondering in Turramurra

Dear Crazyheart;

I went karoake singing on Friday night.  I came home by cab around 2:00 am and walked to the establishment at 9:00 PM.  I did not go with any friends because none of them go into establishments that actually have any fun.

I have been having strange dreams lately.  I thikn on Friday night I dreamed that I was singing at  this establishment without my shirt.   How can I be sure that this was a dream or if it really happened.  Guys bought me lots of drinks that night.....

Sleepless in Alberta

Dear Sleepless,

There is only one way to tell if it was real or not. Check for handprints.

CH

Dear crazyheart:

I love pie. I just can't stop eating pie. Beautiful, sensual pastry. Curvy, tempting filling. I can't thinking about pie. I am thinking about it as I type this. A nice, sexy slice of pumpkin pie would be sooooooo good right now. I even eat pie in bed. 

Sometimes I don't even use a fork. I just stuff my face as fast as I can with delicious pie. Is this normal? Am I a pieaholic? My whole life seems to revolve around pie. Even the word is sexy.....piiiie, OH YEAH!!!! Do I need help for my pie addiction? What do I do about my wife's pie? I have to eat that. She took the time to make it, it's only right to eat it. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

consumingpie in Winona

Dear Consumingfire.

I do believe this is called a fetish. I think you need some professional help - Or at least change from Pumpkin to Bummbleberry. Bums are suppose to be in bed.

CH

Dear Crazyheart;

Sometimes I spend all day on Wondercafe, even when I'm at work. What can I do to feel less guilty about this?

Dear Spiritbear.

Claim Wondercafe hours as an expense on your income tax. That would be 10 hours aday and depending on your wisdom in the Cafe -  5, 10, or 15 dollars per hour. Revenue Canada will straighten it out.

CH

Dear CH how can I get people to understand that i need to be worshipped and adored ... don't they know they should bask in the glow of my ego ?

Dear Jes

The glow of you ego reminds me of abpenny mooning us from Alberta.Stroking a bum is so much more fun than stroking an ego.Consider flipping your pants. ABPenny will give you tips if you WonderMail her.

CH

Dear crazyheart,

A week ago, I was chatting with a friend and had mentioned Winnipeg had a lack of snow and it would be nice if we had a bit more to make it seem wintery.  It seems a mutual friend of ours (God), who can be quite nosy at times, thought He should step in and fix my problem.

We've had a winter storm for three days and I have shovelled three times and will have to shovel again later today.  I think our mutual friend (God) is good-hearted and is trying to help, but how do I politely ask Him to stop being so generous?  How do I tell Him that I appreciate His gift of snow, but really, it has to stop!

"Frozen with nosticles" in Winnipeg

Dear Frozen

In a very respectful voice say "God, stuff it".

CH

Dear Crazyheart,

I'm going on a date tomorrow night, and here's my dilemma....my date is only 5'7" - less that 2 inches taller than me. If I wear heels, my legs will look great, but that'll make me taller than him. Is that OK? Or would it make him feel insecure? I could go with my cute red flats that show off my fun personality. What to do, what to do.

Looking for love in Vancouver.

Dear Namaste

He won't notice if you are an inch taller. if he's that insecure, dump him, your intellect would probably make him insecure anyway.

not to mention men don't mind a lower vantage point than the face.... um.... that might indicate that he's shallow... or simply male....  (I"m not helping)

Dear Crazyheart,

I've figured out a way to solve the world's problems, but no one listens to me.  How can I straighten this place out if no one recognizes how brilliant I am?

Exasperated in Expertville

Dear Namaste,

You have been given good advice above for StJudds and Birthstone. Just let me add - sexy shoes with high heels will do the trick. Check with lbMuskoka. . ummm, maybe even borrow her shoes.

CrazyHeart

Dear Exasperated

Take out a membership in the Conservative Party!!   But then again........

CrazyHeart

Dear Crazyheart,

How do you come up with so many wonderful post ideas?? With out you, there would be NOTHING to read!!!

Inspiration Needed in Hamilton

Dear Inspiration,

Just think of a question, any question and ask it. But before you do spin it a little.

But don't spin it so much that it comes out like this "psin it a ttliel "

CrazyHeart

Dear crazyheart,

If I bite my nails, will I increase my calcium intake?

EZed in ...

Dear Crazyheart, 

There is a new movie I want to see . . . it is called Crazyheart.

How will I stop being distracted by thoughts of a certain wonderfriend when I watch it?

Thanks for any advice you can give me . . . P3

Dear EZed,

Calcium is for wimps. Try one bottle of beer a day, It's yeast that you need.

CH

P3

If you are going to see this movie, you had better go quickly. i hear there is a lawsuit being launched "name stealing" and it is going to be pulled from the airwaves and then it will be "poof ". They can not use the avatars in their advertising either. And I would understand that you would be distracted.

CrazyHeart is a distraction.

Cheers

CrazyHeart

 Dear Crazyheart,

There is this guy that I like a lot. He has invited me and someone else over to his place for supper. I suspect this is because he likes the other guy, who also has a crush on me, and by inviting me, he is certain that they other guy will show up.

What should I do? Do "love" triangles ever work?

Dear Alex

Love triangles work better than love squares or love hexagons or love pentagons because there are only 3 people. The table or the bedroom ( especially in bachelor pads) do not have enough room for more than 3. So I will let you experiment and then you can let me know if it works.

CrazyHeart

Dear Crazyheart;

What if I accidently made two dates with two different on Valentines Day?  Would they notice if I picked them up and there there was two guys and only one girl?  Or should I bring my neice along (who is 25) and she can make it a foursome and I could tell each guy that the other one is my neice's date?  

scatter brained in Alberta

Dear scatterbrained

I think that they would like 2 guys /  one girl thing. Each of them would think they might get lucky. When they don't they will always have an excuse. It was the other guy's fault. Get yourself a daytimer to keeps dates organized in future.

CrazyHeart

3somes are better than 4somes

Dear CrazyHeart.

Five months ago I ended a relationship of three years.  How long is the "right" amount of time before I start dating again?

-not used to being alone in Alberta

Dear Crazyheart

Do you happen to know why my guys like shoot 'em up games on xbox?  You know, i did all the right things.....from no guns when kids to appropriate stories & tv.....

Can't fight instinct .....

Hilary - about 6 months ago.

Dear Alone.

Over 1000  days without sex is too long.

2 days without sex is too long.

The right time is now.

crazyHeart

Dear Crazyheart,

   Recently I've been troubled by a recurring dream involving a beagle with a WW1 vintage flyboy outfit piloting a flying doghouse.  Do you think this means anything?

Dear Pinga,

Lassie gets boring every night. If you had read them Zane Gray or let them look at True Detective, they would have got the guns out of their system.

better to play shoot em up  games on XBox than watching  porn on the internet.,imo.

To answer your question, I think you did everything wrong.

CrazyHeart

Dear Red,

Change you reading material to PlayBoy before you go to sleep. Your dreams will be different, I'm sure.

CrazyHeart

Dear Crazyheart;

I stay up too late everynight and then I am tired the next day for work.  I am busy communicating on a chatline and I am too interested to go to bed.

Night owl

Dear red Baron,

Your dreams clearly show that you have a very serious Rootbeer deficeny in your body.

Drink 1 litre a day-preferably between supper and bed and you dreams will improve.

Pinga - have you ever tried playing Grand theft Auto for a few hours, then driving through town?

It's had to resist knocking off a few pedestrians.

Dear Nightowl,

The question arises are you interested  or interesting? Maybe you should quit your day job and find a night job where you can stay up late, talk lots and find yourself interested or interesting.

Try Tims - Midnight to 7.

CrazyHeart

I kinda like the rootbeer deficiency idea, Tabitha.  Thanks.

Dear Red,

Your dreamns will improve  but your bathroom habits will increase. 1 Litre between supper and bedtime should have you up in the night at least twice. Reconsider the PlayBoy idea.

CrazyHeart

Actually I did last night.  Now Snoopy's a centrefold.

lol at Redbaron338. That leaves quite the picture.

Dear Crazyhart;

I would love to work at Tim Horton's.  The pay is not enough though.  Can you suggest a night job that pays more than what I make during the day?

Broke in Alberta

Dear Broke,

Do you really want me to answer this question?

CrazyHeart

You could be a xxx web cam girl ..... they cash in and work from home

CH and Red baron.

Therein lies the beauty of my advice.

If Red Baron is up peeing 1/2 the night he won't be trooubled by dreams!