I have to just let all this flow. if it doesn't make sense then its fine, I may be the only to truly understand it and like I said before wondercafe is the only place I can go to blog that no one knows me or can pass judgement on what I have to say. its just who I am and who I am is disappearing. I know my relationship isn't all that healthy, but it could be. its not physically abusive or anything like that but I am starting to feel like I am being somewhat controlled and somewhat lead in directions I don't know if I want to be in. I want to make it all work and be at one with my BF but he makes it so hard, its almost as if he is pulling the "I will treat her like crap until she tells me enough is enough", but to me, as bad as it sounds I am still pulling for it to work. I can't let go, I don't want to admit defeat because that is what it feels like and no one likes that feeling.

Its so hard being in a long distance relationship, I honestly never thought I would go through this stuff and feel this way, I am in love, but I am also sitting in a giant vat of frustration and confusion because as hard as I try I keep getting pushed back down again as I am just about to the top. I hate feeling belittled and criticized like it will just never be good enough for anything. Of course even if I say all this out loud for the important people to hear it still seems like it falls on deaf ears, I get laughed at or told its the same old song and dance over and over. and you know what, it is the same old song and dance because the things I need to be changed just might possibly not be able to be changed you know? I have been told so many times you can't change someone no matter how hard you try.

Do I think I am being cheated on, yes and no. certain things don't add up all the time. do i think I am being lied too, yes again. Can I see us being a forever, right now, no..somewhere along they way I have forgotten what made us come together in the first place. We dance around the issues both of us afraid to hurt one an other, scared to tell the truth. I know he loves me, that is why it is so hard to let go, but doesn't letting go sometimes help instead of hurt? no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get it right, and even saying so it doesn't seem to matter. I was asked what I want...this is what I want:

Happiness, Love, devotion, protection, understanding, RESPECT, someone I can depend on, someone to support me, stand by me forever with no questions asked.

I don't want someone that belittles me, makes me feel worthless, not funny, not good for anything but what happens in the bedroom. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to fight anymore. I hate it, all of it. I don't want to have to worry about what is going on behind my back and making myself sick about it anymore..its not right and its not cool and I want my life back!

I want space! I really really really do, I need it, but its so hard to talk about and say the things i need to say..and I have to depend on a blog space to really say how I am feeling about things! its not right for so many reasons and neither is leading someone on with false hopes either.OH my goodness, I don't know if this has made me feel better and I don't know if I have covered everything I have wanted to say, but I know getting out makes it a little better.