I'm in shock.  It was so unexpected for everyone.  I just can't speak to pain of this magnitude.

I know this is difficult news to be bringing here at this point in time, and that it seems hearts are breaking and fear is haunting many of us, but I know also there is a reservoir of strength and goodwill here that I need to carry with me as I walk with my dear friend.

I would be so grateful if you could share with me anything you can.

Pray. Be there for her and let her know that. Keep it simple, but don't pull back just because you don't know what to do or so. It's o.k. to say "I don't know what to say". If she wants to talk, be there to listen. If she doesn't let her know you'll be there to listen next week, or next month, or six months from now, whenever she's ready. If she's never ready, at least she'll know she can talk if she needs/wants to. Also, don't be shy about giving her a hug, she probably needs it. I'm certain I would.

 How can I help my friend?  Well that is the 64 dollar question isn't it?  I think the answer is solidarity; we must unite with them in love to face and feel the future together.

What a heartbreaking, gutwrenching place to be in.  I can only second what Jon and Qwerty have said.  The other thing that comes to my mind is sharing memories and stories.

As I read Jon's post I was reminded of an old proverb, "It sometimes shows a great command of language to say nothing."  Sometimes it doesn't so much matter what you say as it is that you are there.

Thjoughts and prayers with you and your friend, NF.  Please keep us posted, exp. if there's anything we can help with.

Peace, RB

(((ninjafaery)))  very sad for you & this family - good answers above, nothing more to add, but while you're reaching out to her, we'll be here for you.

Bring Food-a casserole for her or her daughters family. It's one less thing for them to organize and they feel cared for.

Make her a cup of tea and just sit with her. If she feels like talking, great. If not, just having someone there can be comforting.

Just let her know that you care.

It seems the cruelest blow - to be predeceased by one's children.  It's just not the way we expect life to unfold.   I agree with all that others have posted above, ninja.   Be a loving presence, accept her grief and anger - don't be chased away by expressions of this, and don't try to talk her out of these feelings.   Hanging in there is often hard. 

On a practical side - you might considering offer this to the family, as a way to communicate with their circle of friends, without having to endlessly repeat the information (which in itself becomes exhausting) ...  www.caringbridge.org  is amazing free service where people can set up a webpage with journal and guestbook features.  Several of my close friends with cancer have found it invaluable to them. 

Ah ninjafaery, this is so sad. Good suggestions above ... I'll just offer my thoughts and prayers  for you as you support your friend and feel her hurt and pain. And we are indeed here whenever you need to talk, to share, to feel this community of support as you walk this journey with your friend.

((((((((ninjafaery))))))))

I'm very sorry to hear your news, ninjafaery - for your friend, her daughter, all that know and love them, and for you.

A stressful and heartbreaking time for them, but also for you as you love and support them, and experience your own heartache.

For your friend, like others have said . . . be there.  If it were me, I would like someone who I could count on to listen . . . that I could share my innermost thoughts, fears, and heartache, but not receive a "well it could be worse" response from.  I would like someone who I could count on to let me cry when I needed to . . . not to hush me, or try and cheer me, but perhaps pass me a kleenex.  I would like someone who would help with odd little things - perhaps picking up a quart of milk, running an errand, helping with a meal . . .

I'm sure you will do fine in the wonderful friend department at this time in your friend's life.

Let her know you care, and she will let you know her needs.

Be there for her.  Tell her that you will will help her anyway you can but don't leave it that.  Tell her that you are there to listen, to go with her to doctor appointments, etc. (if you are willing to do that) give her examples.

Hi ninjafaery,

Words are not needed.  Presence is.

Tears.  Hugs.  A shoulder to lean on and ears to listen.

Bring all of that and you have brought enough.

Grace and peace to you.

John

I would suggest going over to see her without asking. If you ask she might say no out of politeness perhaps, when really she could use a friend, though she doesn't know it. You may need to know it for her.

Also, don't put a limit on her grieving, if you can. My Mom had a best friend, who's husband died of cancer, and after a few years, my Mom had had enough of her best friend's grieving, and she wrote her off, literaly wrote her a letter to call their friendship off for the time being. I don't know the whole story myself, except that the friend had threatened suicide, but I am still in contact with Mom's ex best friend and I still call her Auntie, and offer my ear. It's a sad situation. Of cource you might find that your friend is also so changed that you cannot maintain the friendship, and if you do, that is the way it is. But I hope it doesn't come to that. It's a difficult thing. I am sorry to hear it, and she a mother with young kids. Just awful.

lots of good ideas, ninjafaery.

even just a little note to say "heh, i am thinking of you"....

 I would visit her, offer to drive her to visit the daughter if needed.  Sit and listen.  Let her talk or not.  WE often don't listen enough to others who are grieving and they sometimes feel they are burdening friends.  SO listen, cry, just be there.

Practically:  invites for dinner.  Offers to drive if required.  Drop off a casserole. Offer to take the grandkids for a day so hubby and mom can be with daughter..... 

Bring food and zip it .... till she feels like talking

When my mother was terminally ill, we spent a fair amount of time at the hospital. That time is a blur to me.  My mother and her partner lived in a condo complex that had a sort of courtyard set up. A few minutes after we had come home and turned on the lights, there was a knock on the patio door. A neighbour handed us a warm casserole of some sort, said goodbye and left. I think that was the most meaningful thing that happened during that time. She fed us when we could not even think of food, and did not burden us with her presence. It was so nice, and appreciated.

((((((((((((ninja)))))))))))))))

Thank you all so very much.  I'm getting that there are no words that can adequately address this tragedy, and none are needed. 

I've been in touch with some mutual friends, and we're going to coordinate something among us to support her meaningfully. 

Thanks again.  I knew you would all have something helpful to offer.

Hi Ninjafaery,

So sorry to read this awful news.  What a terrible time for your friend, her daughter, their family, friends and all who love them. 

Some suggestions:

1. "I'm here for the long haul."  These are words spoken to my mom by her friend when my Dad had his stroke.  Beautiful words.  They have helped, and she has backed them up with regular phone calls, rides to the hospital (mostly so mom wouldn't have to leave the hospital alone....that's really hard), muffins and meals for one dropped off every once in a while.  Constant and ongoing support.  Your presence, and the assurance to your friend that you will be with her on this journey....that's the best thing you can offer.
2. When my Dad got sick we were visiting the hospital a lot.  Meals were often on the fly.  A couple of friends bought us Tim Horton's cards for coffees & quick meals.  An awesome idea and very kind gesture.  I think I survived on Tim Horton's chicken wrap snackers for lunch most of December, January and February. 
3. Offering to do concrete things for your friend.  Someone offered to make my muffins for Treat Sunday at church so I wouldn't have to.  A friend came to my house the day after Dad died with a bucket, mop, cleaning supplies  and lots of hugs.  (amazing!)  Perhaps you could offer to do laundry for your friend or her daughter.  It's amazing how these "normal" day-to-day chores weigh us down when our hearts are somewhere else.
4. You mentioned there are children.  How old are they?  A friend brought activities to the hospital for my kids to do while we visited Grandpa.  It was a lifesaver.  Also it really warmed my heart that she was thinking of my kids.  The kids sometimes get forgotten a little bit in a crisis, and are towed along for the ride.  We acknowledge that they are hurting and yet when the medical stuff is being discussed and our fears surface, we tend to forget the needs of the kids. 
5. Once when I was really sick someone gave me a journal to write my feelings down.  It was awesome.  I wrote my thoughts, but also I wrote down notes about what the doctors were telling me each day.  (things can get blurry, so writing notes is helpful).   I also wrote letters to my family in that journal.  It's a book I still treasure to this day. When dad was sick a friend sent me another journal.  It is hard to read the entries of the journal now, but it will be a treasured keepsake of those visits with my Dad.  Journals are good.

Big hug to you Ninjafaery.  You and your friends are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you Busymom.  I'm taking notes.  I would never have thought of something so simple as a Timmy's card.  It would come in handy with grandkids and all the coffees and lunches.  There's a Tim's in the hospital too.  Definitely going to do that.

I'm hoping because she's an avid gardener, she'll be able to spend some time tending and weeding, which will be an outlet for her,   If not, maybe I could ask her if she'd like someone to weed and water, if needed.

Thanks again.

J.m. Nouwen wrote in his book "Bread for the Journey" some words that might be pertinent to your question -

Being with a friend in great pain is not easy. It makes us uncomfortable. We do not know what to do or what to say, and we worry about how to respond to what we hear. Our temptation is to say things that come more out of our own fear than out of our care for the person in pain. Sometimes we say things like "Well, you're doing a lot better than yesterday," or "You will soon be your old self again," or "I'm sure you will get over this." But often we know that what we're saying is not true, and our friends know it too.

We do not have to play games with each other. We can simply say: "I am your friend, I am happy to be with you." We can say that in words or with touch or with loving silence. Sometimes it is good to say: "You don't have to talk. Just close your eyes. I am here with you, thinking of you, praying for you, loving you."

I find it a struggle to BE with someone in pain but I'm helped by the memory of  having a friend love me that way.

Thank you Kay. 

I appreciate the reminder from Henri Nouwen that we need to empty ourselves of our own agenda to be present.  That's hard.  Not to flee into a more comfortable, "manageable" and distant place.

Hi ninja - you mention your friend is a great gardener.  A friend of mine was spending ++ time at hospital when her mom was sick, so I went over & edged & dug her garden for her one lovely day - it was an appreciated surprise as she had not the time or energy to tend to it herself.

Another thought ... here's a link to Alan Wolfelt's website - he''s a specialist in grief counselling - I have a number of his books & find them really useful.  The newsletter has some interesting articles ... this one on Companioning those who are bereaved.

http://www.centerforloss.com/centerpiece.php?article_id=105

Hi Ninjafaery,

I think you've had some very good suggestions. When I was reading through the many posts I suddenly remembered the Julia Roberts movie, "Step Mom". and the quote:

Isabel,"You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you... every single second. Don't you get it?
Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll think, "I wish my mom were here."
  Jackie Harrison,"And my fear is... she won't.

It's not quite the same circumstances, but what I remember the most about the movie were the tears AND the laughter. Julia Roberts took it upon herself to lurk behind the scenes and take pictures so the children would have more memories.

I think it's very important to encourage your friend to savour every moment she can with her daughter. Maybe they could plan a short vacation together with her family, if she has the strength.

Once you get over the shock, help her to remember even the dying get sick of dying, and welcome some levity and occasionally have things seem normal ,once in awhile.

This is a hard journey and I sense that you are going to be a very good friend to her during this time.

Years ago I went through a very trying time. I was very depressed and my friend was very worried about me. I was not eating properly. My friend came over with soup every day and literally spoon fed me. I remember turning to her and saying I felt like such a baby, "how long are you going to keep doing this?" Her answer? "Until you can do it yourself"

I will always remember the lesson she taught me. That friends are worth extraordinary measures and that sometimes it's just as simple as nourishing the body and being there while your mind heals and grows to accept things that are beyond our control.

waterfall, what a lovely story....thank-you  -- "until you can do it yourself"

I agree Pinga.

The words "how long are you going to keep doing this?" Her answer? "Until you can do it yourself" really struck a chord with me as well.  That's what a friend can do.....the things that we are unable to do for ourselves.

 What a beautiful post Waterfall.  I think this thread is beneficial to all of us who have friends we love and can support.

Thank you.

One other thought has come to my mind.

We were invited to a surprise birthday party in November for a friend who had cancer.  Her birthday wasn't until December, but the explanation in the invitation was that she would be more surprised in November.  The party was fantastic.  We all had such a good time laughing and sharing stories. Lots of photos taken and more memories made.   A wonderful night.

Her friends and family gathered again at the end of December for her funeral.   She was only 55.  While it was a sad occasion, we had the photos and memories of the happier occasion in November.  We treasure those.

I don't know if this idea of a gathering of friends would be helpful to your friend and her daughter or not.  Perhaps not such a big gathering, but a lunch with their closest friends or a girls day out?  There are still days to be lived.  There are still memories to be created.  There are still smiles to share.  Appreciate the exquisiteness of each day.....it's a gift.

Sing it Sisters!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thinking of you ninjafaery, and of your friend and her family. I haven't got anything to add to what people have said above...all are good suggestions.

You're in my prayers as well, ninja.  Your friend is blessed to have you in her life, holding her in love through this wrenching time.  I've read through the very wonderful comments and don't think there is much I can add.  Except perhaps to second the thoughts around bringing some levity into your friend's heart, if she is open to that.  Sometimes when we're journeying through illness and death, those around us expect us to be sad or grieving all the time and boy, can that feel like a burden!

It can be so uplifting and helpful to have a friend with whom we are free to laugh, no matter what is going on.  I remember when my older daughter overdosed (not fatally), one of my greatest gifts was being able to share moments of uproarious laughter with my best friend, and know that she did not think me in the least disrespectful or uncaring of my daughter's pain.  It was a relief and a blessing to have someone around who understood that I needed laughter to keep my spirit from breaking.

“Give to us laughter, O Source of our life.
Laughter can banish so much of our strife.
Laughter and love give us wholeness and health.
Laughter and love are the coin of true wealth.
Even in sorrow and hours of grief,
laughter with tears brings most healing relief.
God, give us laughter, and God, give us peace,
joys of your presence among us increase.”

(from Voices United Hymn #624)

This thread is helping me immeasurably -- to work through the shock and helpless feelings and to start shaping some concrete things I can do. 

Thank you.

She's begun to write longer emails to me.  That's good.  She's quite introverted (like me -- we "get" each other)  and has told me before she's more comfortable writing when she feels like it instead of talking on the phone or visiting. 

Her other daughter is amazing too.  She is a nurse who works with palliative children and has some idea how to move through this, even through the grief of having to deal with the loss of her sister.

My friend wrote,

"I don't know how to do this"  "I have nightmares and they're still there when I'm awake"

It's so heartbreaking.......

This is a sad reminder me of something my husband said when he was dying.

"I love the first minute of every morning. Just for a precious moment I don't remember what's happening to me."

Fear of death and all it entails can be so overwhelming. For some of us, spirituality maybe the only way to come to terms with this situation.

Ninj, encourage your friend to write. It is a wonderful source of comfort to get to know yourself and share your most intimate and real concerns with a true friend. 

Among many other good suggestions, I think this is important to remember. An acquaintance of mine recently passed away as a result of terminal cancer. Her friends and family, some of whom I know quite well, would tell me that, in her final couple of months, she was something of a jester/raven/mischief-maker. They talk about those times in admiring ways but what I hear is that they remember that some of her final days here were really fun and wonderful. They all remember that time as special and loving...humour was definitely part of that.

For a couple of years, a friend of mine & I planned a mystery visitor.   We rented a Santa Claus suit for two nights.  We thought of all the families in each others church that needed a lift.  We then bought a simple Christmas ornament for each, and treats..  We enlisted for one night a man from my church and the next from hers....that could be santa.  We made our lists..and when the night arrived, here is what we did.

She would go out in her vehicle, with her church's Santa to our church family members.  I would give the tips about the family. Things they needed to know, why it was important to visit, etc. ....She would drop off Santa, who would do his ho ho ho, merry christmas...and spread some joy.  

The families visited were seniors recently moved into a long-term care apartment, a family with teenagers where father was terminally ill, a child that was unwell and no prognosis was near, a family that was suffering due to a split..and so on.

What was given was joy..and mystery to the family.  What was received by us, was the amazing gift of what a laugh and a small thing can do.  The men loved doing it.

We haven't done it for a number of years, but, it reminded me NF, sometimes, it is the unexpected that brings joy.  The beauty of a flower ing  plant left  on a doorstep.  The joy of a treat.

so..maybe with easter coming...you may help her to leave an easter surprise on easter morning....plan on purchasing treats with her, then getting up early and sneaking them over....or being a mystery deliverer.....

find joy...and make a smile happen.

That would certainly be in charcter for her Pinga.  She's a huge propenent of "Random Acts of Kindness".  I can see how this would be of value to her.   Not sure she's there yet though.

such great ideas - I have nothing to add yet, but the Tim's cards and Waterfall's stories really stuck out in these lists. 

(((Ninjafaery)))  while you're supporting her, we can be here for you

Ninjafaery

I wish I could add something but most of what I was thinking has already been said or suggested by others. The only thing I can say differently is play it by ear according to your friend's mood on any given day. Some  ill  people don't want to do the traditional things associated with having a terminal illness.  They may prefer to block it out meaning not having friends and family  fuss over them. They wish to be normal like everyone else and treated as such.

I don't know how common these feelings may be but it was the case with my husband who passed from a terminal illness. He was in denial I believe and that may be considered unfortunate but we each do what we must do when we find ourselves in a situation such as this. He didn't wish to discuss  his impending death or the past or the future. He wasn't a spiritual person and audible God talk or prayers would have scared him. I respected his wishes and took good physical care of him while he was bedridden at home for 6 months. He never complained about anything. He watched a lot of T.V. He never was very good at communicating so I wasn't surprised that he chose not to talk.

Most of what  I had previously read or heard about the terminally ill didn't hold true in his case so I guess we are all individuals.  We can't stereotype. Just being there saying little or nothing, waiting for the other person to lead may be better than saying or doing the wrong things. Its a very sensitive situation.

God be with you and your friend. May God surround you both  with love and give you wisdom.

Thank you.

(((((Stardust))))

And I'm grateful for the continued support.

Thinking of you and your friend Ninja.....wishing you strength and peace as you support her on this difficult journey.

It's good to know you guys are here.  I'm so grateful for you all -- not just on this thread, but in your overall presence here.  Thanks for letting me just blather away.

I spoke with my friend today.  Couldn't keep back the tears, so we ended up just crying in one anothers arms.  It was ok.  We also talked about some ordinary things -- smoothies for her daughter because her mouth is sore, The importance of staying healthy herself.  She's preparing to stay on her feet through this by eating well and seeing the doctor for something to help her get some sleep.  Her strength is really showing.  We talked about the future needs a bit -- she knows she can't keep doing everything.  Fortunately, family and friends are rallying around.

She was laughing because her daughter just got her hair coloured and had streaks put in.  Turns out the streaks were the wrong colour, but her daughter laughed and said it didn't matter because she was going to lose all her hair in two weeks anyway!

She is wanting to get into her garden.  As I guessed she's seeing it as her best therapy, and she was really glad to know I'd care for it when things get busier, which they will.  Man, this is tough going......

Ah ninjafaery .... so tough. I bet your friend just felt encircled in your gentle, yet firm support and care as you held her. I can't imagine how hard this is for her and also for you as you support your friend. You can come here for care and rejuvination anytime. I'm thinking about you and your friend and her daughter.

((((((((((ninjafaery))))))))))

ninjafaery, it sounds like you are giving your friend just exactly what she needs to move through this...a safe and loving presence with whom she is safe to express whatever emotions she is feeling.  I think she is blessed to have you in her life.  Holding you in my prayers as well.

When in a crisis, it is always good to know that you have a friend to share with.

Good for you for being that friend

Good friends are like gold - precious gems in one's life.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ninjafaery))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Its very tough. For a mother to see her daughter go through this  it is almost as bad as having cancer herself I heard.

Oops...me stoopid. In my post above I didn't realize it's the mother of the person with cancer you're dealing with, not the patient.  Sorry.

We had a man in our apt.  building who had a cancerous brain tumor removed. After the surgery and chemo. I suppose  he looked  and acted like a totally different person. I saw him on the elevator and in the garage a few times. I knew his wife but not as a friend.  My husband knew the couple better than I did. Sorry to say I didn't offer his wife  help because I was too traumatized myself. I found it very upsetting and the words just  wouldn't come. They moved away and then we heard he had a fall on the sidewalk and banged his head, so unfortunate. He passed away.

Sending positive thoughts to your friend,her daughter, and yourself that you won't get overly wrought. You're doing good.

For You : Most Beautiful Heart

http://www.shockeys.com/friends/heart.htm

Be there for her as you were and are for me; your gentle, intuitve caring is who and how you are - she will see and feel and experience your love in everything that you say and do.  I am so sorry that this has happened; I am starting to believe that sometimes there is no reasoning in situations like this.  Your heart will guide you.

((((((((((((((((ninja))))))))))))))))))