Ohhh Chrissy - I feel so sad for you right now.  I want you to think about this.  I'm a mom and I'll tell you what I think from that perspective.  My heart would be broken to know that my daughter was afraid to tell me this.  I might be shocked & sad & scared & angry and all that stuff, but I would pull myself together and look after my daughter.  

I hope you can gather up all your strength, find a friend or a someone to be with you if you need it, and just tell her.  The shock will just last a little bit, and then it will be over, and you can move on with her help. 

If you're worried about what she'll say, then have a friend with you, rather than doing it by yourself.  Don't wait long - just say it and let what happens happen.  I bet your fears are worse that what will happen.

We're here for you as much as we can be - there are some great people here, but you need to let your mom in on this.  Kidshelpphone would give good advice and your guidance counsellors at school have faced this before and can help as well.  Get help - the sooner this hurdle is done, the sooner you can focus on being healthy and finding a good direction to go in.

Prayers for you!

Hmmm, this is a tricky one. I'm glad you have the support of your father. It sounds like you are planning to keep the baby...are you going to raise him/her yourself? This will require a LOT of support from family and will isolate you from your peers (this is true even for my adults friends who have had children).

It sounds like you are worried about disappointing your mother. You don't say what you worry her reaction might be. Are you worried about her being angry and disappointed with you? She may be more angry when/if she finds out you hid the pregnancy from her. And she may well find out, even if you go live with your father and don't plan to keep the baby. If you have had a close relationship with your mom in the past, I would suggest telling her. She will almost certainly be angry for a while, but she will probably get over it, especially if she is truly concerned for you.

That said, I don't know your situation. If you are concerned that she might punish you severely or kick you out of the house, or verbally/emotionally abuse you if you tell her (i.e, call you a slut, disown you, etc.) it's probably best you don't tell her until you go to live with your father. I'm not suggesting your mom will go to these extremes, because most parents (in my experience) wouldn't do this: they love their children and will get over their anger and disappointment. However some people have very strong convictions about what is right and wrong, and believe teen pregnancy is a truly unforgivable sin.

I'm not a mom myself, but I'm no longer a teenaged girl either. If I'd got pregnant when I was in high school, my parents would have been pretty angry and upset, but they would have supported me and helped me get through it. They would have put up a lot of resistance to me actually having the baby, which would have been fair from their perspective: they would have wanted me to go on with my education and not have me saddled with the responsibility of an infant while I was still pretty much a child. If you're 3.5 months, I assuming you are going to deliver the baby, rather than end the pregnancy, which is definitely a choice that a woman has to make for herself. Still, I believe with all my heart now, and knowing more than I do about parent-child relationships than I did as a teen, in my parents' love.

Just wanted to let you know where I was coming from.

P.S. I didn't want to scare you with anything in the post above, but just to acknowledge that you may have some legitimate concerns if your mom has tended to be unstable in the past. I'm talking actually hitting you and putting you down, not yelling at you because she was worried and missed a curfew. It's important to make the distinction. Kidshelpphone is indeed a great resource.

Chrissy_Girl643,

I am pretty sure you can keep this secret until June. You are talking a month or two before delivery and thinking nobody will notice. Does your dad think you can keep it hidden? Did you tell him that was your plan?

Being a month or two away from delivery is pretty hard to hide. Trying to hide it is also dangerous to you and the baby. Trying not to gain weight to give the secret away is hazardous to the growing baby and you need pregnancy vitamins and pre-natal medical care.

That is why I would say that your "plan" is not a workable or practical one.

What other plans can you make?

It is natural to think "don't tell" when what we have to tell is unpleasant or we think it will make someone angry or hurt them. It rarely is best, and in the case of being that far along, I think mom will figure it out way before then. You will be not using feminine care products, which means she won't be buying them and you will not be throwing them away... you will be gaining weight... all the things that announce pregnancy.

So, knowing that it is not likely possible to keep it a secret, what do you think is the best plan?

Hi and welcome.

I do not think you can effectively hide a pregnacy that is 7 months unless you are quite obese to start with.  Even then , it is usually obvious.

You say you are 31/2 months and the baby is due in July or August.  That sort of sounds like you haven't been to see the doctor about this.  That is a dangerous thing to do.  You need to make an appointment with your family GP or your pediatrician right away.  They will certainly give you an exact date for the baby ( more or less)

And as a mom of two teens I strongly urge you to talk to her.  If she and your dad have a reasonable relationship, perhaps talk to them together.  Or ask a close friend or mayber your minister to sit with you while you talk it out.

sure she will be upset.  Probably mad, hurt and scared for you.  the dreams she has had for you and your future are now changed and that takes some getting use to but she needs to know. ASAP.

Your parents will want lots of details and if you are keeping the baby you might as well get him and his parents involved.  That young man is about to take on child support for the next 20 years and if he is also 15 then it will be his parents.

Of course that is assuming you are keeping the baby.  Perhaps you are thinking of adoption.

Whenever we make a mistake it is hard to face our parents but get it over with quickly and then talk about plans and the future.  If my duaghter had this news, sure I woudl be upset.  I woudl most likely cry.  But I would also be glad she had told me and then put my mind towards helping her figure out the best plan of action.  Whether that was abortion, adoption, parenting.

SO talk to her and get a doctors appointment asap.  If you are taking this baby to term it needs proper care and nutition and monitoring.  Among other things, if you didn't use a condom and are now pregnant you need to be checked for sexually transmitted diseases right away  as some are very harmful to the fetus.

So sit her down and say "mom, I need to tell you something and I want you to sit still till I am finished.  OK?  Mom, I am very sorry but I am pregnant.  I think "Jim" and I got pregnant sometime an November and I need your help.  I know you are upset and I am sorry.  But I need your help."

The other concern is for your baby. If you're planning on keeping the baby, which at 3 1/2 months is pretty much a given, you and the baby are going to have extra nutritional and medical needs. If you neglect these because you are hiding it from your mother, you are putting yourself and your baby at risk.

I'm willing to bet your mom knows anyways, and is witing for you to tell her. Women are usually pretty intuitive about these things.

The other thing you need to do is go to a planned paranthood clinic and get some help with birth control. You don't want this happening again.

Chrissy - I echo the other posters.  You are going to have to tell your Mom and the sooner the better.  Yeh - pregnancy is pretty hard to hide, especially after the sixth month, and especially to try to hide from someone you live with.

Unless your mother has shown in the past that she is emotionally unstable or violent -  don't be afraid to tell her.  Sure, she will be hurt, upset, disappointed, and probably angry.  But she will be a lot more all of these things if you try to hide the truth.  Beside although you say things are going well now, you are going to need your mother.  And unless your Dad is a very exceptional man, or has an exceptionally understanding and helpful wife, you are going to need your mother for quite awhile to come.

First - are you getting prenatal care?  Yes, you need it right from the beginning.  Your mother can help you arrange an appointment, and go with you if you need support.  She can also help you enroll in prenatal classes - in this city there are special ones for teen moms.

If you are keeping the baby you will need all the help and support you can get.  You haven't mentioned the father so I am presuming that he is not in the picture much.  Perhaps he is also a teenager - he may not have much to offer.  Both of you are still growing up yourselves and being a parent is an adult responsibility.

How do I know?  My daughter was a single Mom - and she was in her early 30s and had been out on her own for several years.  She lived at home with her father and I for the first five years - even then she found single parenthood difficult. 

There is the need to earn a living - or to complete your education - or both.  Babies are expensive.  I read recently that $10,000 is usually spend during the first year of a first-born baby's life.  I think it is possible to spend quite a bit less but still the figure will be in the thousands.  Where will you get that kind of money?  For a crib and mattress, stroller, infant car seat, high chair, swing, change table, playpen, toys and exercise equipment - for diapers - for infant formula and food - for medical care?   Who will look after the baby while you go to school - how will you pay for daycare?

How can you study during the baby's fussy period in the evening?  How will you get up to take care of the baby and get ready for school after being up several times in the night?  How will you feel about missing school sports, dances, trips, going to the mall, movies, hanging out with friends when you are home caring for the baby? 

You are going to need your mother's help.  Tell her now, so that you can go through this pregnancy together.  And make sure that you will have continued support when you move to your father's place.

I'm not trying to scare you - just to help you face reality.  I am praying for you and offer you all the virtual support I can.

You mentioned your mom talking about how good you've been, and the thought that comes to me is, you don't cease to be good just because you're pregnant, even if that pregnancy was the result of mistakes. You have a million decisions to face now and you need to believe in yourself, that you are still a good person. Your mom's reaction will be about who she is, not about who you are.

What do you think your mom's reaction would be?

Oh Chrissy - please, please, please tell your mom so that proper plans and medical assistance can be sought for you and your baby.  I don't know your relationship with your mom but many women really appreciate the wisdom and support of their mothers during pregnancy, childbirth and beyond.  Don't deprive yourself or your baby of this help because of fear. 

I agree with others, you likely won't be able to hide your pregnancy until June. How far away does your father live?  A plane trip may not be possible or advised. (most women are fine then but if you have not been receiving medical attention, you might not be aware of the potential dangers). 

I realize that this is a scary time but you do need to share.  Good luck...cms

this is pretty much my feelings as well.  being so young, your body doesn't have the reserves that a woman in her 20's or 30's would have, so by not eating the proper diet, your baby is at risk.  you need to see a ob-gyn ASAP to get started, because your dietary needs are going to be a little different. 

and yeah, BIRTH CONTROL.  its out there, find a professional who can tell you how to use it properly.

Hi  Chrissy, everyone has given you good advice - tell your mom, seek  medical help and some pre-natal care. Can you tell us if your dad is enouraging you to tell your mom?

((((Chrissy)))))) no more advice than what people above have given I just thought I'd add my support for you, this can't be an easy time for you.

Hi Chrissy. I am roughly twice your age, and I'm due to deliver my second child in 2 weeks. So, I'm going to be really blunt - but I don't want to come across sounding harsh. I understand this is a really tough time for you, but you've decided to continue this pregnancy (since you are past your first trimester) so now you have to grow up really fast, and face the responsibilities you have decided to take on. Here is my advice:

Right now the LEAST of your concerns should be telling your mom. I know it must feel like a huge hurdle, but guess what? In comparison to what you have ahead of you - whether you raise the baby yourself of place it for adoption - this is going to be a piece of cake.

Just get it done. Do it alone, with a friend, with your dad, or even get your dad to do it for you, depending on how scared you are and what your reasons are for feeling scared. But however you do it, do it in the next 7 days. Set yourself a time limit, and just do it. Because you have got to move on to FAR more important issues and decisions.

Do you have a family doctor? Have they referred you to an OBGYN (an obstetrician/gynecologist which is a doctor for women and babies)? If not, get a referral from a doctor this week, even if you have to go to a walk-in. You will likely not have an appointment at your OBGYN for a month or so, but you need to get scheduled now.

Have you started taking prenatal vitamins including folic acid? If not, head to your drug store and look for vitamins that say "prenatal". The best brand is Materna. If you smoke, quit. I mean that - that was part of the responsibility you took on when you decided to carry this baby. Absolutely no alchohol, and absolutely no medications - not even cold medications or headache pills - except regular Tylenol (not advil or aspirin). You would be amazed at the things that can damage a baby in the womb. Anything other than tylenol and you need to check with your pharmacist or doctor before taking them.

Do you have someone to talk to about what you are going through? Have you deccided whether to keep the baby or put it up for adoption? If you are thinking of keeping the baby, what is your plan of action to finish your education and financially pay for yourself and the baby? I would encourage you to speak either with your OBGYN (once you get an appointment) or with a women's health clinic in your neighbourhood about these issues, so they can refer you to resources in your community that will help you with these decisions.

Best wishes to you for a healthy pregnancy!

Chrissy, I echo the statements above, you need to talk to someone and you need to get prenatal care. Frankly if your father is aware that you are pregnant I'm bit surprised that he has not insisted on getting you to see a doctor.

If you can't talk to you mom than consider talking to Public Health Nurse in your town or city.  You can seek assistance from a Guidance Counsellor or Child and Youth Counsellor at your school.

The bottom-line, is that you need to ensure that your health is taken care of, and also if you plan to carry the pregnancy that you ensure the health of the baby that will be born.  For example there are ultrasounds that will need to be done, measurments, etc, all conducted by a doctor.    The first ultrasound will be due long before June when you go to your dads house.

Holden

(((Chrissy)))

You have gotten some great advice from the posters above. Check your wondermail - I've sent you a message.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

I have updated the page, and answer some of the questions

Hi Chrissy

You certainly have a complicated situation.

This is what i read:

you live with your mom because she has custody of you

you don't like her boyfriend and are a bit afraid of him

you think your mom will be upset ( sure she will, your dad must have been too)

your boyfriend is in the picture and will contribute money ( if you aren't marrying him get that on paper, child support for the next 20 years is pretty expensive)

you and your dad think you can keep this big secret from your mom.

So, here is what I think.  You are doing a big disservice to your mom and the love she has for you.  Your dad is helping in this but lets admit that he isn't an unbiased person, he divorced her and is complicate in helping keep a secret.

imagine this child of yours in 16 years not telling you the most important thing that has happened in her life.  how would you feel?

I still maintain that you need to tell your mom.  I don't know what the custody deal is, but in many instances once a child is 14 she can choose where to live so you may quite legitimately live with your dad.  If that isn't the case you simply can't move in with him.

i think your dad is making a big mistake too.  He is letting his anger at your mom cloud his judgement about this.

I am glad you have seen a doc and that you are taking good care of your health.  He will have stressed the no smoking and no drinking I hope.

your young man is on disability of some type.  And it sounds like you are going to finish high school.  I assume you are in grade 10??? so I am glad that you are planning on getting an education. 

It is scary having a baby.  It is an amazing amount of work and requires tremendous effort.  The fun stuff is only a small portion of the day to day work involved is raising a little person.  However i am sure that with suport you can manage, however you will need tons of support.

Think of a 24 hours period next September.  It is Tuesday morning and you need to be at school at 8:30.  The baby ( 6 weeks old or so) wakes at 6 for a feed.  Then you pump the rest of the milk in your breasts to save for the next feed when you are at school.  It is now about 7:30.  You get dad to put the baby to sleep and dash into the shower, eat breakfast and run to school.

Dad feeds the baby at 8, then at 11 then at 2 while you are at school.  In between he does the laundry and starts super.

You get home from school at 3:30 and take over.  ( meanwhile at school you have used a quiet room to pump your breasts at 10 and at 2) The baby now needs to eat around 5 so you quickly put your home work away, change your clothes and feed her at 5.  Sadly that is a busy time so you share holding her while everyone eats dinner.

She sleeps a bit so you do some homework from 7 - 8 when she eats again.  More home work till 11 when she eats again.

finally to sleep , baby wakes at 2 for a feed.  Back to sleep at 3 and up at 6 for the next feed and to do it again.

Eventually she will eat every 4 hours or so but often it takes a good hour to feed and change and setlle a baby . 

That is not to say that a baby isn't an absolute joy but the work involved is enormous.  You will need all the help you can get.

Tell your mom

wow.  so many changes.

I recommend you get independent counsel from someone other than your mother, father, or boyfriend.     Possibly a guidance counsellor.  Possibly your minister or a mentor from your community.

I would be concerned given the situation you are describing on multiple areas, the least of which is financial. 

Each of the items below I would be concerned about standalone.  When you combine them all, wow.

You are transitioning to live with your father.  How long ago did you live with your father? What are his expectations?  If you haven't lived with him for more than 3 years, or in the city he lives in currently, then, that alone is a significant change.

Your father is advising you, and is comfortable advising you, to hold this back from your mom.  Wow...that crosses a line for me...given that your mother / daughter relationship seems fairly average.  If you continue to follow this advice, then, I would wonder what your relationship & support from your Mom will be like.

You are moving when you are in your 7th month to a city quite distance from where you are.  What support arrangements have you made for there?  Do you have a doctor lined up? What about transport to/from hospital / doctor.

You are dating a fellow that you knew since you were 9, and he was 13.  You became pregant with him, when you were 15 and he was 19.  That is a fairly significant difference for the 19yr old in particular. so...it raises red flags.

You are going to be living with your boyfriend?  That is a fairly big step.  If not, what are the plans for his involvement?

He has a learning disability and is getting some form of assistance.  Is he currently located there, or will he be transitioning to a new social network system / support group?

Sorry...I just see so many red flags...

I suggest that you sit down with someone who can ask you questions...and knows you...but is not intimately involved with you

Chrissy, I am really reassured that you have seen a doctor and have established a relationship with them whereby you have shared your situation with them, and that you are looking after your's and the baby's health.

I am sitting here, remembering what it was like when I was 15. Remembering how uncomplicated things were - even the things that struck me as really complicated at the time, things that I thought were so monumental, and now in hindsight... were just blips on the screen of life. They were so managable and flew by so easily, despite all the teen drama that most of us girls manage to find during that time of our lives.

But Chrissy.... this is so much different than that. This is not going to be one of those blips. If you are going to take on this challenge then you have got to be realistic about it... and it is SO HARD to truly be realistic about adult issues when you are not an adult. It is doable - but REALLY HARD.

First, you need to listen carefully to what some of the folks here have said about the arrangements and relationships at play... you mentioned that you were involved in Children's Aid and your mother has sole custody. Is there a reason for that? Is there a reason that someone determined your father to be an inappropriate caregiver? Or did he choose to leave? It sounds like your mother had a complicated situation when you were little... and it sounds like you have concerns about her current boyfriend.

These are all valid... but you need to be very careful that you are not turning to your father as a way of turning against your mother. As others have said, without knowing all the details, it does seem inappropriate that your father would assist you in hiding this from your mother. For a lot of the adults here, it strikes us as immature and irresponsible... not qualities you can count on when you are about to have a baby.

You also need to think carefully about why you have been "looking forward to this baby for a while now". A counsellor may be able to talk you through your feelings.  You need to be absolutely certain that you are not viewing the baby as a companion, a new beginning, a way out, a light at the end of a tunnel, etc. This baby is going to be a gift no matter what, but you need to make sure that this gift is right for you and that you are right for this gift. Again, talk to your doctor about counselling asap, so you are prepared no matter what your final decision.

As lastpointe indicated, you need to do some detailed thinking about how your days and nights are going to work. And as busy as that sounded, all the moms and many of the dads here know that there are about 50 other things that need to get done in a day with a baby that lastpointe didn't mention (I'm sure in an effort not to overwhelm you).

Thank you for sharing this experience with us and I hope some of the advice you find here is helpful, and not too intimidating.

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do for you and your baby. Good on you.

Hi Chrissy_Girl - first, welcome to WonderCafe.  I'm glad that you found your way here, and that you trust our community enough to ask for input on your situation.  Lots has been said ... lots for you to think about, and I'm sure you're doing just that.  I hope you can find someone outside of your family, as suggested, to talk with about making suitable plans for you & your baby.

You do have some legal info to sort out in terms of where you live etc.  The best place I know of for you to get some info about that is Justice for Children & Youth, as it seems you may live in Ontario.  http://www.jfcy.org/ Check them out - give them a call - talk to somebody there who really knows the scoop.

I must admit, I'm kinda surprised to see your bf is on ODSP - most 20 year olds with learning disabilities (and there are many of them) are not on ODSP & are finding some sort of meaningful work to do to support themselves.  It worries me that your parenting partner seems unable to look after even himself at this young age.  That's a big complication in my view, taking a long term look at how your life might unfold.  You say that bf will help your father look after the baby while you are at school.  Just wondering ... what will happen when/if your father is no longer available to help raise the child?  There are so many possibilities to think about.

Anyway ... just my two cents worth.  I hope you keep hanging around here at the Cafe & joining in our many discussions - you'll have lots to offer! 

Just a further thought - maybe invite your mom to come with you to your doctor's appointment later in the month - let her know about the situation with the doctor present - might be a bit easier.

I echo some of the concerns raised above by Cate. It is great that you are involved with a doctor, to me that is the most important step.  However, I think that your plan may unravel with your dad, if your mom has custody, especially if this was as a result of Children's Aid Society intervention. As someone noted above, if the CAS set this up, I suspect they would not support a change to that arrangement??  Also remember once your baby is born, if the CAS was concerned that you were at some risk at your father's home for example, they could potentially have concerns not only for you (because you are still under 16 and a child within the meaning of the Child and Family Services Act) but also for  a baby once born.

I like Pinga's suggestion above, that perhaps if you are nervous about your mom and her boyfriend's reaction, that you should seek some advice from a counsellor at school, a trusted teacher etc.   My advice however is to seek out the support of a professional adult; I know that teens tend to want to seek advice from other teens, but quite honestly any teen is going to be out of their league on questions of this sort and would most likely lead you down a path you don't want to follow.

Holden

I have a couple questions that I'm surprised other's haven't raised.

1- You said you live 7hrs from your father now. Assuming that your boyfriend also lives in the area. How is he going ot help your father when you are at school? Is he moving there with you?

2-Since you're moving before your due date have you found a doctor where your father lives that you can go to once there? It's great that you have been going to one now but it's not pratical to go 7hrs for appointment.

3-You said that you had a job lined up that you could work at home and do. I think that's a great idea but thinking about school and what other people have said about raising a baby I have to question if you're going to actually have time to do this. If there isn't time what are your alternate plans for finances?

(I would add, have you actually earned that via this job...or is that what someone is telling you -- what is your outlay for this job, if any)

I don't know enough about CAS to comment on your fears about your plans, but I understand your fear.  I do think your mom needs to know, but somehow you need a support plan from everyone - your Doc, the CAS worker, your mom & your dad.  It would be nice if you could make a good arguement for going forward, and win over the CAS agent with a good plan, even if your mom is not entirely thrilled. 

I see this as a turning point with your mom. (indeed, it is at any age)  Maybe with the doctor involved & other people around to coach you both (yes adults need help too) you & your mom can come through this time with a shared love (the baby) and a new respectful relationship with each other.  I hope so!

I share Pinga's questions about your job.  New babies take a ton of energy, emotional & physical, and they ought to come first.  Your best bet is to make your job about finishing school, saving money, washing diapers, breastfeeding, cooking well & cheaply, and helping other people manage the bread-winning for a little while until things settle for you.  I lived that life (except the school part), and I found it was a source of pride to do so.  for help, check out www.stretcher.com -this was a wonderful source of support & ideas at a time when we needed all the help we could get.

We are all concerned and as such we are coming across negatively when you read all of them at once.

I certainly feel that a baby is a wonderful and exciting event in anyones life.  It is a time to be cherished and remembered and there are so many things to do to get ready.

I am unsure of why you are moving to your dads unless it is to get away from your mom's boyfriend.  If you have been under the care of the CAS and your dad lost custody there must be some background there you don't know.  Your dad is not going to be the person to get the info from and perhaps your mom isn't either.

but Holden had a very good point.  If your dad lost custody of you for some reason, he may be deemed an unfit guardian for a child's ( you are a child under the law) baby.

If you attend church, go talk to the minister.  He may know alot about the family background and he will certainly be an adult without anything to gain in the discussion. 

You have a few immediate concerns:

where will you live starting in June when the baby is born

who is living there ( you , baby, one of your parents, your boyfriend?)

how will the group support itself.  It is very possible that the baby will cost $1000 each month between diapers, clothes, extra laundry, cribs, strollers, toys, formula or alot of good food for a breast feeding mom,

your BF is involved, which is great, how will the two of you parent the baby. 

How much money is he contributing. ? There is a scale on a web page, but I can't find it ,which dictates based on fathers income how much he has to contrribute by law. ( Holden??)

what about his parents?  is living there an option?  How much are they aware of the situation and how much money will they contribute monthly for the baby's life.

who is the new doctor and hospital in the new city if you move

New high school?

new friends? ( no other friends to support you)

realise that a baby is a full time job.  Caring for a baby and the home and the cooking and shopping is a job that requires organization, patience, love, and more patience.  Who is doing that job while you are at school.  My daughter is just graduating grade 12 this year and that is a pretty much full time job too. 

there is no question you can do it.  you can get help for sure but I question why the move to an area with no friends and only your dad to support you.  your mom and BF parents aren't there to assist.

tell you mom, today

Hi Chrissy, Looks like you've got a lot of input allready, and that you have this quite thought out. I'm sure you know it will be hard, for all three of you. It's great that you have your Dad's support, and your boyfriend will be around. You sound fiesty enough to stick it out and be there for your child.

I think you should wait til you're at your Dad's before telling your Mom, then if she gets difficult, you have some distance between you, and you have your Dad there to comfort you. But I think she needs to be told. Can you move to your Dad's any sooner? She will certainly see you are pregnant if you wait til June to move. You will start to show at 4 months. Maybe you could go to your Dad's for a long weekend, or for spring break, and phone her to tell her from there? Telling her sooner rather than later, and bearing the risk of a verbal beating, will help to show her how responsible you've become, whereas if you wait, she will think that imature. Be brave!

Good luck, and continue to post here if you have questions or frustrations down the road.

I'm wondering if the timeline coincides with the 16th birthday?

I'm wondering if there isn't a third choice somewhere here.  Christy is afraid of how her mother and mom's boyfriend will react - but I'm not sure moving 7 hours away to her father's place is the right thing to do either. 

The CAS is already involved.  Are there any homes that would take in a teen-aged mother (who is still a child herself) and her baby and offer support for the next year or so? 

Also, I'm very much concerned about the boyfriend (baby's father).  He is five years older than her - that's a lot at their age.  He is an adult.  Although she may not want to admit it, she is a child.  Some people would consider this rape - whether she consented or not.  Also he has his own problems - as someone has mentioned, he isn't able to support himself, let alone a child for the next 20 years. 

I don't know what arrangements are being made with this young man - if he is moving to Elloit Lake to help support and care for the baby.  If he is, what living arrangements has he made.  I would be very concerned if Chrissy's father is going to allow this young man to live with them.

(Incidently someone close to me got pregnant at 15 with a 20 year old man.  They got married shortly after the baby was born.  Within a few years they had two more children.  Then, as she matured, she discovered that they didn't have anything in common except the children, and that she no longer liked his treating her like a child.  The marriage broke up - a nasty divorce.  Two unhappy adults - three very upset children.  And this was despite the fact that he had a relatively good job and could financially support the family.)

Chrissy - be very careful.  We care about you.

Hi Chrissy,

Like your Mom, I have a 15 year old daughter too. This must be a very difficult and confusing time for you. Here's the thing... I'm thinking that your Mom is probably already noticing your pregnancy changes but may not know how to deal with the big picture yet. Sometimes as parents, wanting to accept change can take longer while we figure out how and what we can best do to help and support our children. Your home situation sounds a little complicated but try to remember that teenage years can be complicated in the best of situations. Parents usually do the best they can -  trying to find the right balance between giving their teenagers space to grow while still protecting and nurturing them. We understand that these years are designed to be an incredible time of challenging character growth. We also understand that it's natural for teenagers to feel grown up already, though we know from experience that so many wonderful growth times still lie ahead. Chrissy, you are obviously very mature for your age - maybe helped by your older boyfriend - but 15 is very young to try to handle this on your own. It sounds like your Dad means well but realistically you need live-in parental support now. Your body is about to change dramatically in this next phase of your pregnancy and your baby deserves the best of nutrition and support. I have to believe based on this posting that you want the love, help and support that your Mom should be able to give you. Your fear of her reaction may be valid - she may be angry at first but this is usually just a mask for disappoinment and confusion. Give her time to process. Yet, since I don't know you personally and just in case you're right about being asked to leave (though doubtful)... maybe you should confide in another adult as well. Do you have a minister you can talk to, a god parent or a favorite teacher? Another responsible adult could be a big help. Maybe they will help you talk with your Mom or maybe they can offer you a home away from home for awhile if need be. Whatever you do, please don't feel alone because your not. I will watch this discussion for more updates or questions from you. Please stay strong and have faith in all that's good.

Hi Chrissy,

Thanks for answering all of the questions that were posted here for updates. It has helped to clarify the situation and I think the posters above have given many helpful suggestions.

I would get as much information as you can about the details of CAS and what your mom having custody of you means in terms of what limitations family court can impose on you. She can't make you terminate the pregnancy (I don't think she could have done that even if it weren't all ready so late in the game). I don't know the details of why your father wasn't allowed access, but if CAS was already involved because of abuse/neglect on his part, you are going to have a whole herd of problems to deal with. Pregnancy is hard enough without all of this. The most likely scenario is that CAS will take your baby away and put it in foster care, which is worse for a baby than if adoption is planned prenatally.

I'm no expert on CAS, but you need to consider that you may not be able to control all the decisions about your baby if they are involved. If possible, get the information  from people who work with CAS to help you decide how likely it is that your baby would end up in foster care and how to prevent it, if possible. There are wonderful foster parents on this thread, and fostering is a good system, but the system can fall short in so many ways.

I think Michele is right that your mom may well have noticed you are pregnant and not want to deal with it, especially with the more detailed information you gave us about how you think she will react. You imply that she is very involved in her own issues and problems and has a lot of stress. Still, life happens, and trying to protect her and yourself from this will probably backfire and create more problems. The suggestion to try to take another trusted adult (school teacher? school counsellor? friend? even your doctor) into your confidence who could be with you when you tell your mom is a good one. You want to come from a position of relative strength, that you are being the responsible one in telling her this, if possible. She may go completely ape and say something hurtful and it will help to have someone there on your side. Another adult, if possible.

I agree that most of your teenaged friends will be way out of their league here.

Did you ever have a counsellor/social worker from CAS visit as a child who you had a good relationship with? They are very well trained to deal with these types of family situations. If you're not connected with anyone, see if your doctor knows one, or whether there are any community resources in your area.

hi Chrissy,

We haven't heard from you in a couple of days and I hope you will be back.

You don't need to change the original posting, just post into the thread and tell us what is up.

It is unclear why you are moving to your dad's and you mention that your mom will  continue to have custody of you when that happens.

that isn't correct.  I am not sure who has told you that if she has custody you can just move and certainly if your father lost costody of you for some reason involving the CAS there will be issues.

I know we have been thrwooing alot at you.  It is partly because so many of us our mothers of daughters and know that we would want to know and hlep our own daughter.

I think that your plan of having the baby , keeping it and continuing school is feasable but difficult.  You will need all the help you can get.

when you head back to school in September you will be about 4- 6 weeks post partum depending on when the baby is due in July or august.  I want to tell you that for the first two week sof my son't birth, i didn't even get out of my nightgown.  I had to work hard to get a daily shower between baby care, baby feeding, eating, sleeping every chance I could get.  i was two weeks before I even went outside for a walk.  those first 2 - 3 months when you never sleep more than 3 hours in a row are exhausting.  dont' fool yourself into thinking it will be easy.

Hi Chrissy;

There is no way you can hide being pregnant that long.  Soon you will have morning sickness and your mom's boyfriend will know.  My guess too is that your mom is already starting to suspect.  If you are afraid of your mom's boyfriend talk to your guidance counsellor at school and he/she will help you get out of the house before he finds out.

So far that is the only advice I would repeat.  You don't need to live in a stressful house keeping a big secret.  That is too hard for an expectant mother.   You have to take care of yourself.

A few points to add, in no particular order.

1) Someone asked me an opinion on child support, the simple answer is I'm not sure.  CAS matters go before the Child and Family Services Act court (provincial division) or the Superior Court of Justice depending on the County or City.  Child Support is really the role of the Children's Law Reform Act Court, which determines Custody and Access or the Superior court in a matter that is there for Divorce and Custody Access reasons.  Children's Aid doesn't get that involved in support payments (some counties may more than others).  Also, I would never want to be seen to dispense legal advice (outside of my scope of practice).  If a person wants to know about support they can call the family responsibility office or contact a lawyer for free through the Law Society of Upper Canada, Lawyer referral service (in the yellow pages under lawyers).

Having said all of that above, my experience with young dads is that unless they have some source of employment income you usually don't get much from them in terms of support because they don't really have much to give.

2) Someone above suggested just moving to dads and keeping this from mom. I can tell you that if the CAS placed Chrissy with her mom (I'm assuming from the posts above that they did) they are very unlikely to accept this move. 

Remember they have the authority to remove her if they have grounds and if she is seen as being deceptive or if the baby (once born) is put in a situation where he or she may be a child in need of protection then there is a risk that baby will be removed (apprehended).   I know this may not be pleasant to consider, but in my experience lying or misleading the Society leads to a bad outcome.  People mistakenly believe that they can run away from the CAS, it's not possible, they are in every County and City in the Country.

Bluntly put Chirssy, honesty and openness is your only option if plan to parent.

3) Someone above raised the question of legality of the relationship with the boyfriend. If I read the posts correctly he is 19, Chrissy is 15.  The poster is correct the age of consent in Canada is now 16 however, there is a 5 year near in age exemption if the younger person is 14 or older and the older person is less than 5 years older and not in a position of trust.  So although the arrangment might not be what a parent would want, I don't see anything illegal here.

Chrissie,

i hope you are hearing all this advice that you simply can't avoid the CAS by moving to your dads.

Talk to your mom.  Call legal aid for some advice.  Call the CAS and ask to speak to the social worker for your family.

and talk to your mom

Hi Chrissy, I just wanted to add a few resources for you to look into in the coming months.

Planned Parenthood offers programming for young parents, there should be a branch somewhere near you. I would encourage you to look them up. Also, call your Public Health Nurse (talk to your school guidance counsellor if you don't know how to find your public health nurse) for information on free seminars and workshops for expectant and new mothers.

If your boyfriend is intending to be part of caring for this child, you should require him to attend some parenting seminars with you and read some parenting books. Parenting is extremely difficult if you intend to do it well. You need to do everything possible to provide a safe and nurturing environment for your baby, which includes making sure the baby's father is prepared for what he's in for, before the baby arrives.

Some books to look up at your local library are: What to Expect When You're Expecting, What to Expect the First Year, The No-Cry Sleep Solution, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk (it's early for this book in practice, but not too early to teach yourself and your boyfriend how to see things from your child's perspective). 

I'm sure others know of more titles that would be helpful, those are the ones I've used myself.

Educate yourself and your boyfriend, and pull in every community resource you can. Hope to hear from you soon.

Cate, those are all books I rec. also

I really have bad feelings about this. When a child ( and she is a child) has to go on a public forum to ask for help and direction, I fear something is not right.When a 15 year old goes on WonderCafe and I imagine receives wondermail from some of us and they pop up in the incoming mail as "there is mail for you on WonderCafe", and as a parent you saw it, would you not be questioning who it was from?

Come back chrissie and let us know how you are.

Chrissie be informed and do everything you can to come up with a plan for yourself and your baby. Use every available support--Public Health, and yes CAS. Try not to let any custody stuff between your parents interfere--once the baby arrives. s/he will be the only focus, so it won't matter what your alliances are....

I hope  your parents can put their differences aside and support you for the sake of both you and your little one...

Chrissie be informed and do everything you can to come up with a plan for yourself and your baby. Use every available support--Public Health, and yes CAS. Try not to let any custody stuff between your parents interfere--once the baby arrives. s/he will be the only focus, so it won't matter what your alliances are....

I hope  your parents can put their differences aside and support you for the sake of both you and your little one...

We may not have heard from her because she didn't like our advice.

or she has had alot of last minute homework.

I hope she comes back.

I agree with cate that you need to be doing alot of reading on baby books and children books.   Baby books by Penelope Leach are good ones too.  Head into your town's library.  They will have a large baby/parenting section and ask the librarian.

While it is too soon to start buying things it isn't too soon to start planning.

For instance if you are going to breast feed and attend school you need to look into how that will work.  Where in the school could you go at lunch , in private, to cleanly pump your milk and freeze it.  Ask the guidance counsellor if you could use an office / staff freezer.

If you are formula feeding, head out and price formula, bottles, liners, nipples , cleaning tools.......  all the things you will need.  A good person to ask would be the Public Health nurse or the parmacist in your towns drug store.  Ask for pamphlets from the Nurse about how to sterilize bottles.  That is very important.

Start pricing out diapers.  There may be quite different prices from store to store.

While you don't need this stuff yet, you do need to create a budget of how much money you will need.  ( hint , a new born baby will get her diapers changed with every feed which can be every two hours but more commonly every three hours.)  So you need to plan 10  or so diapers each day.  Ask whether you town recycles diapers, we do here in toronto now.

One thing that often surprises new moms is the frequency of feeds and why it changes.  As you read your books,  you will see that as a baby goes through it's periods of growth every two weeks or so it keeps changing it's feeding amounts and times.  that is why it is always such a hard thing to predict.

If you feed a baby at 6 a.m.  the next feed will occur around 8:30 - 9 a.m. ( in general)  that is the same time, even if you just finished feeding, burping, changing, changing again, and settling her to sleep at 7:45.  Sometimes a baby eats quickly and sleeps easily.  Sometimes the entire process can take an hour and a half or longer.  My eldest never ate quicker than 1 hour, so I was always at least 1 hour and 15 minutes of getting him back to sleep.

So start reading and start your planning process so you have some idea of how much money you will need each month for the babies needs alone. 

or...she isn't a 15year old, and this was just one of those theoretical posts written by someone else.  (We presume and always go with a real person, but honestly, we never know)

Guys, she lasted posted on the 10th.  Today is the 13th.  Given what is going on in her life, and the fact that she would need to post some time when she can be in private, less than 3 full days is hardly a big window.  I know you're all worried, and there is lots of good advice and caring going on here, but take a collective deep breath and give her a chance to get back to us :)

Sorry I haven't gotten back, I have been caught up on a lot of homework. Taht's what happens when your in 2 grade 11 classes, and your only in grade 10. But this is all great advice. I am going to get some parenting books, and start to read those, and since I love reading that shouldn't be a problem. I have also found the number for the CAS and I am going to see about that, and mayb go down there and book and appointment. I am currently bringing in some income right now babysitting, so that way I can have some money if I run out of the things I need to support it. I was also currently helping my mom with some financial problems she ran into, so I was a bit busy with her. I will try to post as much as I can, and when I have my spare period to keep you updated. But besides that I don't know much when I can get on. Over the March break I won't be able to post unless I go to a friends house that would be the only time I would have the net. But besides that I will try.

Chrissy, no need to have us add  to your stress. Do what you need to do...and take care of yourself, both for the short & the long-term, and for that baby you are carrying...peace.

RevMatt: good point.

Hope you don't have too much homework on march break chrissy have a fun one.

I am just wondering if you've made a choice on how to or if you're telling your mom.

I have talked to my brother about it, and he says that if I need him there, then he will be there to back me and help me. We have thought about it and decided that I will go out for his son's birthday party, and then might come back, and tell them together.

I'm glad you have a family member on your side and you know about this who's near by. I'm wondering if you are having issues with your mom's boyfriend and what you think his reaction will be perhaps talking to your mom when he's not around and having her tell him later once she's digested this herself and had time to come to terms with it herself have her tell him.

So glad to hear you have an older brother who will be able to offer you some support.