Inport - welcome to the Wondercafe! I hope that you will find this to be a supportive and helpful place to be. I'm really honoured that you would be comfortable enough to tell us about who you are - congratulations on taking your first few steps towards coming out of the closet. I wish you all the luck in the world on this journey.

As a straight person, the only advice I feel I can offer is this: seek out any organizations in your community that are gay-friendly. If there are no Pride (or equivalent offices), there may be something else. Check out www.affirmunited.ca to see if there are any affirming United Church congregations nearby (other United Churches may also be gay-friendly, these ones have not only decided to make a public statement about it but they have gone through an intensive process around it). 

I hope you'll stick around and keep us posted as to how things are going for you!

Welcome inport ....... you are safe to discuss here.....

There are a few here that will pull a "Brainy Smurf" sort of thing and either directly tell you or allude to your sexuality as being against God and a "lifestyle choice" that you need to walk away from.    Those you need not take seriously as they know not of what they speak..

Goodness! ....what a tough road we have to walk ....

Coming out is so very hard .... especially with family ..... I know and I feel for you...

Know this ..... you are wonderfully made ....... and you have to be true to the truth that is you.    There will be opposition and disowning and distancing .....    A door will also open to new wonderful deeper relationships.

What you are is how you are made and that is not your choice .... it simply is what is.

Now ... what you do with it .... how you live out that truth is your choice.

What you leave to grow in the dark will turn out ugly and bad.

What you bring out into the light of day has the opportunity to grow into something beautiful.

I know the dilemma and the feelings .... but out of the closet we must emerge.

It is a matter of our core personhood .... we have to do it for ourselves ... we have to...

I wish you well on your journey out and I am here to support you as best I can.

Welcome ...welcome welcome welcome .......

Hugs

Rita

Greetings inport, and welcome to wondercafe .

I don't have any advice, but I wish you strength, courage, hope, peace, joy, and love as you make your way in this world, finding out who you are, what you want out of life, where you want to be.

Just like in real life, there will be many here who will be supportive and encouraging as you grow into the person you are, but just like in real life, there may be some who will be judgemental.  And just like in real life, we all need to tune out the negative, and focus on the positive, and be true to ourselves.

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

Oops, double post ;)

But I do want to add . . . that somegal and RitaG have shared some wonderful advice or information for you and will be some of the many who will be supportive and helpful - and my support and care is with you too .

inport, 

Welcome to the Wondercafe.

I am sure that after eight years, you realize that arousal at gay porn is not what makes one gay. I wanted to clarify that for anyone who may be "questioning" and might come upon this thread.

You speak of an "alter ego" and a girlfriend you recently broke up with. Would you say that you currently identify as gay, bisexual, poly, questioning, etc? I only ask to see if you are sure who you are at this point and because it determine what you are "coming out" to. 

Sometimes our "coming out" can happen when we are still ourselves unsure. That actually makes it harder for others to understand because we are unable to help them understand. 

My advice to people about to "come out" is to use resources that are available to you for preparation and as a guide. One such resource is PFLAG. The resources can address your own feelings, expectations, as well as prepare you for people's responses. They can also refer you to counselors that are gay-affirming. There is nothing wrong with preparing yourself with help. 

"Coming out" is very personal. When, how, to whom, to what degree... those are all your choices. Pressure or coercion from partners, friends, coworkers, family... is wrong.  In my opinion, some advice even is. You, and you alone, know your thoughts, feelings, history, etc. You, also know yourself and your family situation.

It is easy to say something and then find out the person they are telling is violent or the person telling was thrown out, etc. 

It is the same with admitting an affair. The partner could be violent, the person harmed, they could harm themselves in the aftermath. 

I take that all into consideration, as I have worked with both LGBTQ youth and battered women. 

For me, it is about empowering people in their choices with their safety at the forefront.

Some people "come out" all the way, some with friends, some with family and close friends... Those are decisions people make for themselves based on their own individual circumstance. 

For instance, some are prepared and can cope emotionally with rejection and others may not be able to, know they cannot or cannot right now. Those who might not be able to cope, are then at risk. For some "coming out" is even physically dangerous. 

Personal safety is always tantamount. Safety from others, but also safety from later making bad coping choices and even harm. 

I simply feel, having been there myself, that the risks of advice that fails you in what is always a unique circumstance is not a risk to be taken lightly. 

Seek advice. Listen. Weight the advice to your individual circumstances.  Be empowered to make your own informed decisions.

You are not alone.

PFLAG and many others have resources to help you in your decision making and along the process. 

Make good use of them and know you are supported no matter what you decide. 

My advice is too try and take things one day at a time.  What you may think about others, may or may not be true.  

You should also look for a support system with people with a good reputation that will not judge you, and will accept you as you are. This you can do if you come out or do not come out. People to look for include open minded people in your community (liberal churches, or perhaps those involved in progressive causes, like the NDP,(when I was 17 the first people I came out to where straight men and women, in the NDP and NDP youth)   liberal UCC churches or trade Unions. You do not need to come out to them before getting to know them, but if you focus on people that are more likely to be accepting of all, than you will have friends that support you regardless of what you decided to do or say to them in the future. 

I noticed your thread, inport, and I just wanted to say hi, welcome. I feel for you, having known others in similar circumstances. Sounds like you're feeling pretty isolated right now, not only emotionally, but also because you're working in a remote place. That might be something to consider too, if you're in a position to change jobs and work somewhere you like- - or find out how you might plan to change jobs if you wanted to- so you can work with supportive, open people. There are several youth employment programs out there to look into (generally 'youth' in emplyment terms ,depends on provincial policy on working age, but is up to 30 yrs old for many). I am wishing you all the best in finding the support you need for whatever you decide to do. I hope you enjoy WC and find support here as well.

A couple of small words, Inport, which I hope may be of some help.

Always keep in mind that the troubles you find yourself in, due to this situation, are not a judgement on you.

They are a judgement on us.

You have not failed. It is we, society, that has failed you.

I read this quote this week:

" Be yourself- you are the one most qualified for it."

Hello inport and welcome to WonderCafe.ca

First, and foremost, you need to find a place where you can be who you are and not feel conflicted about it.

When you find such a place then you can decide whether the closet is the place to be.

Leaving the closet without such a safe place will take a tremendous toll from you.

I have never had to struggle with what you are currently struggling with so the most helpful thing I can offer is for you to look for folk who have and pick their brains about how to survive in the closet or, conversely, how to step out of it while minimizing the actual harm to yourself in doing so.

Grace and peace to you.

John

...for me I have found that there are two significant differences between a closet and a coffin.....

One is vertical and the other is horizontal ....

One has a handle on the inside and the other does not.

Neither seems to be a healthy place for a living person....

This is just how I feel and I certainly don't expect others to feel the same.

Regards

Rita

Welcome to the cafe, inport.  I don't have advice on this but I will say that you are meant to be who you are...individually and uniquely, who you were created to be.  Know that deeply whether you are ready to or safe to express it openly.  

We all unfold in our own pattern, spiritually, physically, sexually and mentally....it's a journey that takes tenacity and courage...and much love.  From others, of course, but mainly learning to love our own uniqueness.  Safe travels!

hey import

just another note to say ....heh....hope you pop back in and get into dialogue. and to reinforce what others have said regarding your place here

 i am sure that you could wondermail someone if posting in here doesn't feel right at this time.  you just click on the little envelope beside their name and then send them a "wondermail" which is a messaging internal to wondercafe.

Inport, glad to see you've decided to drop in again!  I'll leave the advice to some of the others, most of it sounds good to me!

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

chemgal, I dont see Import's post

Crazyheart, you can't see the original post for this thread?

Sorry chemgal, Ithought you were saying that Import "decided to drop n again".

Oh, I meant to WC from when he was here quite a while ago.  He's not a complete newbie :)

ah, thanks

What is a closet and what is a coffin is determined by whether the person is alive.

Myself, I came out splintering the closet door. I was "out" by 15. There was no cracking it open and letting people have a glimpse. There was no tiptoe outside at night or stealing glances outside. I have never pretended to be attracted to men. I have never been on a date with a male. I came out as a lesbian at 15. In my 30's I was prepared to say, "this is more than being butch" and came out as TG.

In the most real terms I can think of, a closet would not have held my clothes, it would have been the place I hung myself.

That is me.

I have an elderly friend now over 90, He had never "come out". In that, I mean he had not told family, friends, neighbours, coworkers... the only people who had known were those he slept with. He lived almost his entire life in the closet. It was his home. He was not prepared to fight the fight he knew have to coming out. He knew that "out" was not a safe decision for him to make. He could not have lived with the repercussions. He smiles when he talks about his mother and father, knowing that had they known he would have more harsh memories than comforting ones. Now, he never married and lived a "bachelor" life.

I know of a couple both now elderly who are married to each other. They were once married to women and for many decades they had a "closeted" affair. They would still say they could not have told their wives and lost access to their children and made it through that. when the nest was empty, they "came out".

One friend lived very butch part-time and part-time was feminine. She was sometimes "in" and sometimes "out". She lived with a woman, who family thought was a "roomie". She donned a dress and make-up on the weekends she went to go see her family and elderly mother. She said that telling her mom would kill her, not mom, but her. So, she was "out" at work and "out" at home and "in" with family. That split was her life. It was what she chose.

So, one must decide what one needs for life to be meaningful and valuable and to be true to your wants and needs.

For most people "coming out" has been a process. They can forget that, speaking only of where they are now or what they think now. They can forget their own process or wish they had done things differently. They took baby steps or stole glances or lived in their own closet or have been or are partially out.

Heck, even for way out there me, my wife's coworkers have never heard about my gender. Why would they?

Find yourself first.... and then do what feels best for you.

Hi inport, welcome to wondercafe.

Freedom trumps fear.

You asked for advice. I don't think that you should allow fear to stop you from doing something that you believe to be right.

Ah to be young and in the arms of romance, challenge, beauty and youth

The disaster the strong winds of passion and self-hate, love and abandonment

Ah to choose a gender, a definition, a non-definition to have this the core of life

the crux of that matter

TWENTY ONE

write a poem, darling, you are what you imagine and what you imagine is real

because you are so young.  It is a lotus in itself and for me, for us to look at

merely porn

but for you to live is life; is beholding the Zen the state of rapture already

missing and the questioning and angst

Ah to be young

This terrible thing, this luscious question

on the tongue to taste the salt of the question on the lips ah

to be or not

Move to Toronto, Take at least $5000 to start.  Get an apartment, get a job, then go have coffee at the Second Cup on Church and take it from there.  Call it a year of discovery.  Take notes, read lots, talk to lots of really smart people and go from there.  This is the best advice you will ever get.

Thank you all for your adivice. It has been trueley inspiring and i have put all your thoughts into considerations and will be updating you on my status as it goes. currently I am still where i am. From the last time i posted and thank  you for the warm welcome back. This website has been amazing for allowing me to express my worries and opinions with really no judgmental people but openly minded and welcoming.

You are inspiring to others. You demonstate courage and a strength of character in being able to say outloud to yourself what many others are unable to. Some of whom visit WC, but do not post, will be inspired by you.  For these reasons you deserve to feel proud of you are.

Congratulations on taking this first step! My advise? Trust yourself - this is YOUR journey - and your life, so do what feels right... It's easy for others including myself to offer platitudes, but as we all know, we still live in a homophobic world -- only you know what feels safe for you, given your circumstances, the community you live in, the people in your life and so forth. I hope you know that you are a beloved and valued human being, whose sexual orientation is an aspect of who you are, and therefore a gift from God. You mention you are in the oil patch ... which suggests a particular sort of culture I am somewhat familiar with.  I hope you can find some support where you are living... If you ever want to take a road trip, I am very proud to belong to an Affirming Ministry in Saskatoon where we celebrate the inclusion of all people including gay, lesbian, and transgendered folks of all ages - Grovernor Park United. So if your in the area, I extend a warm welcome for you to come worship with us!

That was very nice to offer that seekandyoushall. Very nice!

And if your OILPATCH work brings you to the Edmonton area-there are many Affirming churches there-Southminister-steinhauer, St. Paul's, and many more that welcome folks who are gay.