My ex-boyfriend and I are very dear friends; but it was a bit of a unique situation in that we'd been best friends for almost ten years before we'd started dating, and we'd discussed 'what if' before we started going out. It was important to both of us to maintain the friendship and we have. Not to say it's been easy; it was definitely hard when we both started seeing other people, and the first year or two after we broke up definitely involved navigating some mixed feelings and - by extension - mixed signals. But it was worth the effort for sure in our case; others it might not be, just like some friends shouldn't stay in touch. I think a good rule of thumb is if your reasons for breaking up would also be a reason for breaking up a friendship, or if it is more stress and trouble to maintain the friendship than to lose it, that sort of answers your question. Otherwise it should be doable.

As for the new significant other being OK with it? Again it's case by case. Obviously it was very important to ME to find someone who understood that Nick and I were friends; but if you aren't that close to any of your exes - as my husband isn't - then obviously it isn't a dealbreaker. And if you in fact have SERIOUS issues with exes - abuse, for example - then it is perhaps even preferable to have someone who cares about you enough and is protective enough that they wouldn't want you exposed to that again.

I've just come out of a (nearly) three year relationship of which we spent a year living together.  So far, I have no idea how to be away from him and have no memory of what my life was like without him.  When we see eachother (which is much less often since he's moved an hour away), it's like we haven't stopped dating.

I know that it's not healthy for either of us, but we haven't figured out another way to act around each other. 

Speaking of Exes...mine already has a new bf...fml lol

As-salaamu alaikum

-Omni

I'm having trouble because, I've dated before but I cut all contact after I stop seeing someone. If it didn't work I need to never see them again and it's awkward whenever I see that person and then I forget about them and heal.

But I just started dating this guy. He's special. I like him more than I've ever liked anyone. Basically I have a huge crush and I'm really falling for him. But he's best friends with his ex-girlfriend from high school. And...it weirds me out! How do I really know he's really over her? He says they grew apart gradually and broke up in Grade 12 on good terms. But he talks about her. It's def. weird to me. She knows him really really well and they hang out a lot apparently. I trust him not to cheat on anyone, he's not that kind of person. But I wonder what kind of feelings he still has in his heart. I know that he really likes me back. I really want to be with him.

Help

Yikes...and I thought dating just the opposite gender was hard...you have if rough xD

I wish I could help you but I have neither experience in this situation, nor should I be giving relationship advice from the looks of my non-existant one lol.

As-salaamu alaikum

-Omni

My daughter dated a guy in grade 10 and 11 off and on.  By grade 12 he had admitted being gay and had a guy in his life.

But they continued to be friends and still are.  She became friends with his new guy, that guy joined the groups of girls and guys that hung out together and everyone seems fine.

I don't know if her ex boyfirends new boyfirend felt odd about it or not, but it does seem to work out fine for her.  There is certainly no issue on her part about wishing he wasn't gay and trying to get him back. 

I've generally remained on good terms with exes. Unfortunately I've lost touch with some and I deeply hate that, there's one in particular I'd love to get back in touch with. With facebook I have found a few old friends and gf.s. It's all good.

You will always have to deal with "feelings" of someone for someone else with whom they were in a previous relationship with.  Even if they never see the "ex", the feelings are still there.

I think for any relationship to work you have to be secure in the fact that the person you are involved with cares for you, and that they can have other friends in their lives, and the other friendships won't take away from your relationship.  That can be hard to do in a new relationship or a romance that is just starting.

Hope, peace, joy, love . . .

Like Omni, I'm really not in a position to offer any sort of advice, but have you talked to this guy about this?  And by talk, I just mean some casual questions -- don't get too deep or confrontational with the questions.  After all, you trust him, you're just hoping to get a better understanding of him and his friendship with this girl.

But others may say these questions are a bad idea.  So whatever.

The reason most give for not being in contact, is that they hate the person  LOL or they still have "those kinds" of feelings, one ended it when the other was not ready, there is still sexual tension... In some cases, those obstacles are not there.

In this case, perhaps they both knew it was more friendship, it ended because it ran out of options and there is no tension because one is open with the other that "you aren't exactly my type"  LOL

Some of my gf's thought they should have no contact with ex's. I found it rather weird. To me, you spent time together, there was more than romance and unless they were evil monsters why wouldn't you at least be civil? I am friends with most my ex's and my wife is friends with all of hers. The degree goes from civil to very close still.... There was a time I lived with my ex and a current at the same time. My wife and I lived for a short time with her ex. There was shared property and it can happen that before one is prepared to sell or able to move, that there is "someone else"  either might be dating.

We have each met immature people who thought folks should burn pictures, never speak to an ex, never mention thier name..... It sets off red flags. It usually says they are either immature, insecure or jealous.

If someone wants to cheat they can, without having to recycle. If it is not over, then it isn't. If there are still feelings, there are.

This, according to you, is not that you think he has bad intentions, so.... What is the problem exactly? Do you know?

Kinst, my advice is that you may need to deal with your own stuff around ex's. I only say that because it may cost you someone you really like if they start seeing red flags because of it.

Why do you end all contact?

What would it say to you if someone was jealous of a contact you had or wanted limit your contact with people or pick your friends?

Give what you expect to get.

Many in the GLBTQ community still have frequent contact with ex's. It comes from those days of small communities and if we were not ok with seeing exes or being where they were, we would have to hide under a rock. Because they would be at gay events, gay bars, parties thrown.... We went to one dance and it was well outside Toronto and it meant most "the community" was there. It meant three of my wife's exes were in one room plus me. LMAO

Hmm ... OK here's where my story might be reassuring. First the NOT reassuring part; those feelings don't just disappear 100% completely. I am happily married for going on 5 years now, with a son, and would never trade what I have for my ex, as great as he is, but 'what if' always happens. Especially when you still get along well, and aren't exactly repelled by each other etc.

BUT ... now the reassuring part; it was said above that perhaps they can hang out with no tension at this point because there IS no sexual tension/unresolved feelings there, or hatred on the other end, either of which could indicate there are some unresolved feelings; so you can be reassured there. And my experience  speaks to that truth; my ex and I have had two difficult patches in our post-dating friendship; one was right after when there WAS still that 'well we've been bf and gf and had a certain relationship how do we go back to being 'just friends' when holding hands, kissing, cuddling is the most natural thing in the world?' and had to, again, deal with the first 'new loves' etc.

We went about 7 months speaking to one another very rarely, and seeing each other still more rarely. But we got past it and were basically OK; the other time was during a VERY hectic time in my current relationship; my now-husband had asked me to marry him but then took a job out of town and when he was at home I was at school etc. I was faced with committing forever to someone I barely saw; meanwhile my ex had just broken up w/his gf and was always a good go-to guy for advice, so yes looking at my future I looked to my past and thought 'would that be better?' - but it never seriously entered my mind to leave hubby for him, and the trust the three of us all had for one another (he and hubby are like, better friends than he and I are sometimes at this point lol) helped me be honest with both of them, and put some distance there to work on my current relationship. So take that as a sign; your new significant other is being up front with you that there's still a friendship with the ex; is clear they see each other etc. It's if and when that communication between the two of you clouds up that you need to worry.

Kinst, not to answer your question, but remember that Pilgrims_ Progress  and CrazyHeart  have chosen you and YouthWorker over the roofer.

^ I don't know if he knows that... Wasn't sure how to break the news to him...

You can be friends after some time has passed.  You cannot be friends in every situation.

Thanks for listening and the advice guys.

This might require some more information. He's bi, so I'm competing with girls or something. He's completely my type. He just brought me fair trade coffee before heading out. Massive crush. Anyways. He talked about it with me when he figured out I was jealous. He said that he's over her and all that stuff. And he said when he dates someone he wants to stay friends with them if it doesn't work. This is really different from me. I don't fully get it. But, I do believe very strongly that you can't start a relationship expecting the other person to change. It's one of my other relationship rules. I wouldn't ask him to ditch a friend. I do really like him the way he is. I'm just going to get used to it. My friends all agree, I have to just take the leap of faith.

I think different people have very different ways of dealing with exes. So even though his way is confusing & different from mine, I'm still going to make it work.

Well, my friend, I have no ex, and have never experienced a breakup. I suppose people who have can remain friends, but I have no actual experience to speak from.

No thank you. Thankfully my wife's ex is half-way around the world.

Interesting association there, Kinst!  I can see you're keen - hope it works out for you.

(If not, don't despair - crazyheart and I  will pool our savings and invest in a coffee plantation in Kenya for you. Fair trade, of course.) 

It's a sign of maturity when you can still care about someone even though you no longer have the relationship you desired ...... only immature losers hate their ex's and don't even want to have a basic cordial relationship with them or their friends ..... excluding psychos or people who have really really caused hurt and pain .....

My ex-wife and I spoke last at our son's wedding over a year ago, and then out of politeness and respect for our son's special day.  She has a multitude of problems including being suicidal and physically abusive.  We live in different cities.  One day,  I saw her in another city, and I walked the other way.  If you can avoid a bad situation, it's probably better than inviting an opportunity for trouble to brew.  One of her personalities tried to kill me when we were together, and I make sure she doesn't know where I live now.  She sought the divorce (a bad word in my cultural and religious background) so it's on her shoulders.  I don't have to talk to her, see her, hear her, or even smell her!  I have no residue of anger or bitterness.  When I've seen her lately, I've been indifferent as if I was looking at a stranger.  If you've been wronged, time wounds all heels.  Get on with your own life.

Ok  Kinst, so words mean things to different people... How does he describe bi? Is he currently attracted to members of both sexes or is it because of a past with women? Is it alternating? Concurrent? Integrated? Exploratory? Transitional?

I ask because bi is not one thing.

Let me also say I have no bi bias and I do not stereotype bi. I don't think all are transitioning between homosexual and heterosexual like those are the only two options. I also don't think they just want the best of both worlds. I see it as an orientation. I feel I need to make that clear.

For me, it would be important to know. My feelings, without full knowledge of the person, got me in trouble a few times. I learned the hard way that it does not mean alternating all the time. I learned the hard way that I cannot be with a concurrent or integrated bisexual, because I need monogamy. I had my heart broke once from exploration bisexuality. Yet, another time, the exploration was a wonderful relationship I would never have changed having. It lasted about 5 years. I also had one that was actually transitional. It just did not work out with the two of us.

My wife uses the label bisexual for herself. Her reason is because she has had meaningful and valuable relationships with men that she does not want to make light of or have people think were not emotionally and sexually satisfying. She has been exclusively with women for about 25 years. She is also fine with transmen and people like myself, intersexed. I knew what bi meant to her. So... I knew, getting in a relationship with her that there would be monogamy. I know that she is attracted to men and women and even those in between gender  LOL   I have no jealous feelings.

Again, it is a word that he uses for himself and that only he can define for himself.

You, by virtue of wanting to pursue a relationship with him, need to know what it means to him. Then, and only then, can you figure out what it means, may mean or will mean for you.

Um, I'm not sure what all that means but I wouldn't worry about me, he's a monogamous person & we've told each the commitment thing already. 

Ah, Jes, always a well of encouragement and sensitivity. 

Thanks hope it helps ....