By Noelle Boughton

I remember being a young journalism student and feeling too shy to meet people. I read Barbara Walters’ 1970 classic, How to talk with practically anybody about practically anything, and discovered one of the keys to her social success was asking people about themselves because, she said, people always like to talk about themselves.

The other part of her success, of course, was that Barbara Walters listened. So, I schooled myself in her example and have spent my life listening – to friends, clients, interview subjects, my husband’s congregants, and now that I’ve published a book, even to people who come to my readings and workshops and want to share their stories.

I’ve begun to think, though, that listening is a dying art. Some people are good at it, but far more are happy to talk about themselves without doing any listening in return.

My life is peppered with examples. My husband and I just had one of his old school chums and her husband for dinner. We’d moved a lot and hadn’t seen them for a decade, so were looking forward to a great “catch-up” visit. But, we soon discovered this clergy couple turned every discussion back to itself. By the time these two left, we wondered how they managed in their careers if they never listened to anyone.

Soon after, a widow from our old community visited. We’d always admired the way she engaged life, so were looking forward to hearing her adventures and sharing ours of settling into a new city. This time, she asked questions – about my book and whether my husband still did drama – then promptly filled in her own answers. After awhile, we stopped trying to respond, and when she departed, we were left with the impression that this woman didn’t have enough people in her life who could really listen to her.

Listening. Kay Lindahl has written about it in her wonderfully thoughtful book, Practicing the Sacred Art of Listening: A Guide to Enrich Your Relationships and Kindle your Spiritual Life. The book says the simple act of listening to each other can open the door to connection, understanding, and transformation. Lindahl offers ways we can listen to the inner wisdom in ourselves, the connections others are trying to make with us in conversation, and the sacred in the chaos of our lives. The secret, she says, is to slow down and focus on deep listening – to ourselves, to others, and to the sacred around us.

It takes time to learn a new habit, but listening is a valuable one. It can help you at work, in relationships, and in just getting to know other people in a more satisfying way.

Try it. You may like it! I know your friends, family, and colleagues will appreciate it. Even if they continue to only talk about themselves, they’ll feel you have heard them because you’ve given them the gift of listening. Then, maybe some day they can learn from your example, too, and return that gift of listening to you and others around them.

Noelle Boughton is a Toronto writer, editor, and author of Margaret Laurence, A Gift of Grace: A Spiritual Biography.